veto veto veto YOU

I am veto-ing this essay. I have written nothing, I have the inclination to write even less. I missed my appointment with my supervisor today, which is really crap because a) I kind of need to see him about my dissertation of doom, and b) I have a really illadvised crush on him. Okay, yeah yeah, you shouldn't fancy your teachers, but he's really lovely and we agree on loads of anthropological things and I just kind of trust him... However he thinks I'm an odd girl, cos I was so tongue tied for half of our last meeting, and then I decided to tell him that I'm bulimic. Why did I think he'd want to hear that? I figure SOAS is much cooler than LSE, the teachers are so much more chilled. Needless to say, I didn't fancy any of my LSE teachers (even though Alan Sked spent 3 years trying to have a threesome with me and my ex), except maybe my historiography teacher, but then, only a little, because his hobby was making figurines of battles. Seriously, I googled him and he has a whole website about it. Legend. Come on, everyone has to fancy their teacher at some point. It's the whole power thing - it must be, or why else did everyone fancy that fucking bitch of a woman (the one who said "one day, I'm sure you'll find something you're good at" JUST BEFORE MY FINALS)

In summary, screw the essay. Veto it (that's only really funny if you're in my politics class).

Today I was a really, really nice girl. I went to Kings Hospital for someone else and pretended it was for me. Although that could raise slight moral problems, as my "nice" act involved lying to the NHS, I wouldn't consider it in any way immoral. It's the tip of the iceberg of what I would do for that girl. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would do the same for me - which I know is a really terrible and selfish thing to think - because I would seriously do anything for the people I care about, and yet - I don't know - and yet I'm sat here by myself trying to convince myself not to do all the things that I do (the bad things). I'm going to fail my exams. I didn't do my essay today because I got up really early to go to the hospital, and then have been too tired and anxious all day. I think I try to justify my existence by doing good deeds, which is a fairly good indicator of how little I think of myself.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty chirpy, what with seeing everyone and all that. I do really like everyone at SOAS, and it's such an awesome feeling to get to school and have people say "I've missed you so much, let me kiss you!" and stuff like that. Loads of the people who couldn't come to my birthday were around, which was lovely. I went for a pint with D, who was calling me a filthy heterosexual. I wish I'd made more time for him this year, he's a very very interesting guy and one day we will be the hottest academics in the whole country :) And then I'll exploit the power relations in the opposite direction and snare me some 18 years olds. Then of course THE INCIDENTS last night were pretty hilarious. I tenuously made up with G, though I didn't believe a word he said. Come on, the boy's a compulsive liar. So I lied and said that I'd got given a car for my birthday, but I wouldn't drive over to see him cos I didn't like his house or his face. I can't believe earlier in this post I was talking about how I was a nice girl.

I just can't help feeling like I'm being abandoned. When SOAS is over, everyone will leave for all over the world and I am worried that no one will keep in touch, with me at least.

All I ever do is complain eh.