hammerzeit

Last night was my birthday curry and drinks - it was really, really fun! I was so chuffed so many people came out, and everyone seemed to have fun. On the way there I had a minor panic attack and couldn't stop shaking because I was so worried. I don't understand myself. #1 was trying to calm me down, but I wanted to cancel the whole thing. I'm glad I didn't though, cos it was all cool. There were no fights (quite surprising given that a lot of my friends hadn't met each other and I'd probably bitched about them all to each other - kidding) and amazingly, we all fitted in the "VIP room" of the restaurant.

Anyway, I'm a bit of a twat on my birthday. This is a fact. I get it into my head that everybody should love me. I guess it wasn't helped by A repeatedly telling me how hot I was. The good news is that I seem to be getting to be less of a twat as I get older. Anyone remembering my birthday last year will recall that I burst into tears, spilt wine over myself and threw up. Niiiiiice. So yeah, big improvement this year. I also felt much more comfortable because I knew that everyone was there because they liked me, not because they had been invited by my exboyfriend, in a kind of mutual mental masturbatory session (I don't mean that to sound harsh - it's the truth).

Of course, it wasn't just my birthday - it was SB's as well. I'm so glad that now we get to spend lots of time together. It's odd how she was literally the first person I spoke to when we started sixth form, and we're still friends. I was really annoyed that I forgot her present. It's fucking awesome, in a totally childish way (despite the fact that we're "hurtling ever nearer to thirty").

I'm quite impressed that I have waited til this late in this entry to say what I will say next (see how grownup and mature I am?). Now I don't really know what to write. I kissed a boy who makes my insides feel like jelly. It's at once a great feeling, and a disconcerting one - I don't like feeling like I'm not in control, but all I want to do is kiss him.

Also... it's probably fairly obvious to anyone reading this that I self harm. Or at least, that I used to self harm and that I started again about three months ago. Last night was the first time ANYONE has seen me naked since then, and thus seen the 'evidence'. Come on, during the play why do you think I got changed over near the guys (it was dark and no one could see). Why do you think, when I was ill, I wouldn't let anyone in the room (I was wearing shorts and was too ill to get up and put on trousers). I know I'm a mess, it's a fucking joke that at the age of 23 I still believe that this is in any way a good thing to do. I feel absolutely fucking AWFUL that K had to see that last night. I feel sick to my stomach. I promise you that this is it, this is the extent of it. Please don't think I'm crazy. I'm not, I just have this one thing, that's it.

I'm alright though, everything's under control, and actually, I'm pretty happy. I had an awesome time last night. I've got a sweet potato with coriander for dinner tonight. I've got a CD of Serge Gainsbourg. I'm going to go and find out how to say "stop - hammertime" in Chinese now (can you hear the sweet sound of PROCRASTINATION??).