oh hi i upgraded your RAM

A few days after xmas and I'm still at my parents house. I could get quite used to this. I have been sleeping 14 hours a day, having cups of tea made for me, and eating lots of fancy cheese and lebkuchen. It's quite warm here, I can have 2 hour baths, I have been playing my violin a little bit and they have modern stuff like broadband and phone reception and mains drainage and stuff (this is quite new). Occasionally I do something productive like unload the dishwasher, but mainly I potter around and pluck my eyebrows and paint my toenails, or just sit and look at the xmas tree. I am becoming really knowledgeable about computers and can make computer jokes and everything. I'm such a geek.

On the downside, I have done no work. I've done a bit of Mandarin, but only a little. I haven't even touched the foreign policy books I brought with me, and still haven't thought about my other essay, which may have to be on modernity as it's the only topic I even vaguely remember. I miss my friends. I miss my music and I lie in bed listening to my mp3 player to get to sleep. I miss #1 a lot. I miss P a lot. I miss having a pint in the Commercial. I miss London. It's very quiet here. I wouldn't mind going home so I can change some clothes and go to the doctors and flirt with the barman and eat some proper vegetables, like cabbage. LOL.

I got really nostalgic the other day about how things were when I was 18. Not really in a good way. Things were rubbish. I can't believe G cheated on me. Arseface. And then things with my ex- I was so obsessed with him, in not a very healthy way. But we did have lots of good times, and it's hard at the moment to resist calling him to say hi. If he's in the country. Obviously I wouldn't actually call him, as he's BAD NEWS and if he's in the country, he should have called me first. And what would I say to him anyway?

Enough of that. I got some cool presents, including a tool kit, a plastic dinosaur and glow-in-the-dark fridge magnet letters. I have put some on the radiator in my bedroom. They say ARSE COCK WANK. My mum was not amused but I think it's generally been accepted that I have some sort of tourettes. Today we're going to Milton Keynes to go to Ikea and Marks and Spencers. It's going to be awesome.

Early Xmas

I shouldn't be here still but I slept all day. I have packed some books and can't find any socks.

On Thursday it became apparent that I'd missed going to the library, but it turned out to be a good day as #1 and I went to the pub, where I got the number of the barman. #1 says that he fancies me. I'm not sure, but then I'm a spaz when it comes to this. She kept trying to make me say stuff and concoct excuses to speak to him, but I'm really not very good at this whole thing. I texted him yesterday, he's texted back. We'll see.

Then we came home and I cooked a mushroom risotto, which was DELICIOUS, but then I sliced the top of my finger open grating parmesan. It bled for 2 days. Including on the living room rug.

I'm going to try and update this while I'm at my parents. I seriously can't live without the internet nowadays. There was a problem yesterday and I thought I would go mad through boredom. Hah. I lose.

Brrr. No really. Brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Fuck me it's freezing. I'm wearing two jumpers and two pairs of socks and I'm still really cold. I'm glad I spent all day in bed. Essays - nah. Staying under the duvet watching episodes of a show about some Canadian white trash - yeah, like all the way. It's super-foggy outside too. I seriously doubt I will be going out again until spring or something.

Last night G came round and we went to the pub. #1 came along too and we got far more smashed than I thought we would. I climbed on top of #1 and told her I loved her and we kept exclaiming how much we'd missed each other. She reckons that if one of us had been male, we would be so well suited to each other. How crap would it be if your soulmate (or similar less-cheesy sounding alternative) was the wrong gender to fancy you, or you them? Though it would be about my luck. I seem to have a real thing about unrequited love. Actually, my "love life" (and I think the quotation marks are fitting) is somewhat of a joke. I could write a really good book. When I get dumped for the immortal words "I'm going to marry my cousin", I don't blink as this has become NORMAL. My ex boyfriend was a compulsive liar. And I've just realised that this is applicable to all of my exes. Fuck. Dying alone suddenly doesn't seem like such a bad idea when you think about it.

Anyway, things with G took some amusing turns as he accidentally let slip in the pub that he'd cheated on me. I got really sad cos I suddenly wondered whether he'd loved me at all - though I know he did. Hmm. He won't tell me who it was but I have my suspicions. He also said that despite the fact that I screwed him over (when I met someone I thought was (and still suspect could be) the love of my life), he still thinks I'm trustworthy and that I've never done anything bad to him. This is quite clearly a lie. Then he said that he liked me. Erm then I was sick. No actually. So we left and went home and cooked a pizza and G got really stoned and I had to feed him water cos he couldn't do it himself, and then we fell asleep and hugged all night.

But this is no fairy tale happy ending as he will be shagging someone else by tomorrow. And although we quite clearly love each other in some sort of retarded way, and we spent the day watching tv and hugging and kissing and being stupid, it doesn't actually mean anything as I don't think I really mean anything to him. This makes me a bit sad.

However. And there is always a however. However, G has been giving me dating (or "snaring") advice and his verdict: I am in with a chance. So we'll see, despite the fairly unanimous conclusion that I will never do anything about it, as "it's too late" (G's words) and "I'm a spaz" (my words).

It's been quite a week of revelations as I was informed that NO my brother was not named after the guy who lived across the road from us, he's named after my grandpa. Also, did you know that in the countryside they don't have mains gas? I feel like Town Mouse whenever I go to the countryside.

Christmas preparations still stand at zero.

You know it's been a good night out when you find pictures like this on your phone in the morning:

Festivities WOOOO!

Last night I went to the CRE christmas party. I think I was invited as I was the most likely to make a complete tit of myself. And I didn't disappoint. Oh my god I am such a loser. I had to do the walk of shame this morning. I also keep remembering odd snippets of the evening - such as when I tried to DJ, when I did some really comedic dancing, when I decided to lie down on a yoga mat in the corporate office, when I told someone that my name was Shitting Bear and generally OH DEAR. My one consolation is that I no longer work there so I don't have to do a repeat of last year when I traipsed in still in my dress to the sound of jeers from my erstwhile colleagues, who then started that persistent rumour about the threesome which DIDN'T HAPPEN. Anyway. Someone told me something about the guy I was seeing back then but I can't remember what it was other than that he had sex with someone who I think was my friend. I could be imagining this. He had "an underdeveloped torso", according to R, so yeah I win. Errr yeah I got quite shit faced cos it was free wine and I called someone a psycho without realising they were standing behind me. I also stole someones hat. I do that quite a lot. Hmm. So yes lots of wine and a stolen crate of beer and smoking in peoples offices and KISSING and drugs and today my face really hurts.

I am like sooooooooooooo not going to the library today.

Can I go and pet the alpacas?

I'M BACK!!! Did you miss me? Since getting home I have danced around my room to the Lightning Seeds. Man, I love the Lightning Seeds. G called me up asking if he could come round and I said NAH cos I'm going to a PARTY and then when I hung up I thought oh BOO I should have said yes as I could do with a hug. He is currently refusing to get me a christmas present though we have come to a compromise where if I give him 15p he will buy a mini bottle of gin and steal me the first-class in-flight magazine. Oh SPOIL me why don't you.

The countryside was cool. Well, it was cold. I played my violin and ate a lot of cake. I was a bit stupid. Today I played the piano and I think I would like to play the piano a lot more but a) I don't have one and b) I am really lazy.

I think I'm going to have to radically rethink the whole what-do-I-pack-for-Hong-Kong idea as for ONE WEEKEND I filled a whole suitcase. I think I won't take any shoes. Plan.

chota-cock

In the morning I am off to the country... woohoo! So far I have packed a pair of shoes, my phone charger, a textbook, a woolly hat, painkillers, some kimchi and some green tea. I suspect that this is not quite enough.

My migraine seems to have gone, thank god. I kept blacking out and feeling feverish. My mum reckons it's cheese and dark chocolate, but I had ONE SQUARE of greens and blacks on Monday, and I don't really eat much cheese anymore. I still don't feel quite right - my muscles ache and I'm extremely tired. And I keep having nosebleeds. This is annoying.

In class today our teacher taught us useful phrases for bribery. He is seriously the coolest teacher ever. My friend said that she would fancy him if he was younger, more attractive and less Chinese. He wears slippers in class and is a little bit offensive, but really funny. Then I went to the common room where I fell asleep while reading. Actually it was the same book I was reading the other day when I fell asleep. I woke up half an hour later and P was sitting opposite me. He'd been there for 15 minutes. I asked if I'd been snoring, and he said no, but I'd been dribbling (I hadn't - I checked). Still, how nice is he for not waking me up? Most of my other friends would have done something mean to me, like I dunno, wake me up or jump on me or draw on me. We talked about christmas for a while and then went to get pizza and I realised I am going to miss him so much over the holidays.

I'm getting quite obsessed with True Romance. I know many of the lines off by heart now and I've downloaded some of the music. I remember when I first watched it, in the Wood Green house, with fuckface (my evil ex). We'd been up all night, and one of our housemates had the video, so we watched it. It's such a captivating film. I hope one day I can find a love like this, though obviously it would be preferable if I didn't have to become a call-girl first.

I found out something quite interesting about myself the other day which explains a lot.

Christmas preparations so far are up shit creek with total presents bought numbering ONE and number of trees decorated ZERO and feelings of festivity ZERO. Just as well I'm an atheist.

I should probably go and do something productive now like cut my toenails or go to bed. Live the dream eh.

migraine and related misery

I have a migraine, and it hurts to move my head. This is annoying as I was meant to go into uni and study, and then go to the gym, and return library books and all that jazz. Instead I am quite feverish and the only thing to eat is dry cereal as I can't face going to the shop. I also can't smoke as I have run out of rizlas.

Thus my life seems to consist of being horrible to my ex on msn, waiting for the others to get home so they can make me some tea, and listening to BBC worldservice in an attempt to learn some Chinese without opening my books.

Oh yeah and PANIC PANIC PANIC oh no can you believe what I thought hadn't happened has in fact just happened and oh christ this isn't making sense but yeah oh crap. I'm going to try and not panic a bit but part of me is thinking, ah you idiot, you brought it on yourself.

My hands won't stop shaking. Should I be worried? (or words dissimilar to that effect)

In the pub on Sunday, who should walk in but #1's ex boyfriend... with the girl he dumped #1 for. It was kind of awkward, although this new bint didn't know anything. Oh yeah, and she's a DOG. His loss.

Today I was loitering outside school (which omg reminds me - today I saw a man wearing just a mac, with no trousers, walking down the street) ANYWAY yes I was loitering outside school and who should come over but a guy I was at sixth form with. I was tempted to ask him if I was still the last girl he'd kissed (he's gay, and told me that kissing me had been a horrible experience) but I decided against it.

At the gym I managed to shave a whole second off my 2000m rowing. I was so very nearly sick. Then I took my feet out of the foot holding thing (christ, I'm verging on illiteracy these days - what happened to my vocabulary?) and they were covered in blood. I had to clean the machine. Moral of the story = wear socks.

My brother ate 2 pizzas. I was impressed. Fucking hell, if this reads like drivel you should hear me in person.

xi huan xi huan xi huan

Sometimes I go for days without my hip hurting too much. These last few days, it's barely hurt at all, apart from if I've been standing for a long time and when I'm in bed. But this morning it's really painful - it feels like something is trapped, or there is something out of place. I wonder whether it is rheumatic after all (instead of the cartilage), as it seems odd that it would sometimes hurt and sometimes not. Hmm. It's annoying. I've been trying to strengthen all my other muscles to compensate but my shoulder is quite double jointed and doesn't quite go in right, so I spend of time shrugging just one shoulder, which no doubt looks really weird. I probably look like that guy in Sainsbury's who's always twitching and shouting obscenities at old ladies. Though he has his willy out, so maybe not.

Yesterday I went to see Viv Youell's gig. She was really good, and not as nervous as she has been, which is nice. I kept pulling faces at her to make her smile.

In class yesterday I picked a fight about Taiwan. I reckon a Chinese invasion of Taiwan would be equally, if not more, "legal" than the American invasion of Iraq. This didn't go down well. I also took the opportunity to express my views on Pakistan. I think I said: "It's got it's grubby fingers in a hell of a lot of pies, the cheating bastards". I must learn not to personalise politics - or at least, politics outside the personal sphere.

On Sunday we were in the pub and my trousers fell down. I thought I must have lost weight but it turns out the string I was using to hold them up (yeah I know...) had broken. LOL.

Remould it nearer to the hearts desire.

The other day I got my shoe stuck in the escalator at Oxford Circus tube station:


I'd say my sock had a lucky escape there. And my toes, for that matter.

On Thursday I went to the London Bridge Vaults for C's birthday. The vaults is like a cathedral-stroke-catacomb. It's awesome. I saw a play there a few months ago but I still found it hard to get my bearings. It's also very dark in there. It was brilliant to see everyone, as much as I could see, at least. R and C took the piss out of me for ages and I promised to cook them a meal to make up for it. This somehow got turned into me making them Chinese food. Eek. As the night went on, C threw up, I somehow agreed to go rock climbing, we ate lots of crisps, and I got offered a job in Hong Kong (or potentially anyway). I got quite pissed and wandered about with C's brother and then started feeling a bit dodgy so I left.

On the way home I made a couple of mean phonecalls and then on the bus, I befriended some guys from Liverpool and we sang songs and I shouted "whey aye man!" at other people on the bus, and the Scousers invited me to a party, but I said no. When I got home I made a complete tit of myself on the phone and cried for ages and was generally an ARSEHOLE. I tried to sleep but my guts were having none of it, and I had to spend most of the night on the bathroom floor.

At 08.18, the next morning I woke up and amazingly was out of the house by 8.32 as I had to go to work. Christ. Instead of taking a packed lunch I grabbed a tin of soup. I threw on the clothes I'd been wearing on Tuesday as I knew they were semi-smart and not covered in alcohol or similar. I ran to the train station. The train was cancelled. I started talking to a woman. I then passed out. SHAME ON ME. It was kind of hilarious and kind of humiliating. The woman gave me a satsuma. Hahaha.

I had quite a hilarious conversation with my ex the other day:

Me: (general random abuse)
Him: ...
Me: (odd twinge of self-awareness) Am I a bitch?
Him: Yes.
Me: I think I should be nicer to you. Why are you so nice to me when I'm only ever mean to you?
Him: I like you.
Me: Fuck off.
Him: Stop being so paranoid.
Me: I'm not. Arsehole.

One day we'll get married and have children. Actually, we've already discussed this but only because we want to have a protracted custody battle with the sort of mud-slinging you normally find in a Paul McCartney divorce.

I bought some new speakers today and it's truly awesome. I'm not going out ever again. Though this could also be down to the fact that I am a disgrace. And I think I am being ignored. But seriously, have you any idea how great it is to play Basement Jaxx really loud in your room?? I've got a cup of tea, I have a HUGE bag of Japanese rice crackers - staying in is the new going out.

If I could only harness that generator, we could have a lot of fun...

You'll be pleased to hear that I am a bit more cheerful. I was doing my own head in, so what I must have been like to other people, god only knows. I apologised to him for being so miserable. He said it was okay and he liked my company and if he didn't like my company he wouldn't spend so much time with me. I was very touched. So touched, indeed, that I got on my train and burst into tears because I think he must think I'm okay.

What a load of snivelling bullshit. I need to grow a backbone.

Today I went to the doctor:

Doc: Hmm, it sounds to me like you have depression.
Me: ...
Doc: I'm going to prescribe you anti-depressants.
Me: I'm already on anti-depressants.
Doc: Are you? Ah, I see. Yes. You are. Right. I'll double the dose.
Me: Can I have some valium?
Doc: No.
Me: Okay.

The NHS is your friend. My nose, however, is not my friend. I've been sneezing so much recently that I've started getting nosebleeds and now my nose is bruised. I look like a cokehead.

I got a new phone yesterday and it is seriously so swanky. It has a 3.2 megapixel camera, which we keep calling a 3.2 kilometer camera because we're all techno-spazzes. I haven't quite figured out how to use it properly but that's okay. The only downside is that it's massive. But as they say, it's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean (I taught my German friend how to say that and it sounds really funny).

C got in touch, which was quite a surprise as the last time I saw him was when I walked out of his house having just had sex, announcing "I'm going swimming". In fact I think I was a bit of cunt to him all night, which, seeing as it was his birthday, wasn't that smart a move. I think I said some really awful things. I say "I think" as this was back in the days that I used to drink far too much (ie Summer 2006).

It was noted that all my ex-boyfriends haven't been interested in football. I was asked what they were into instead, and after thinking about it for a while, I realised that while two of them were into drugs, one of them was predominantly into his ex-girlfriend. Needless to say, this does not reflect well on me. I am going to have to start making better dating decisions.

I bought new speakers for my computer but they don't work. This would bother me a whole lot more if it wasn't for the fact that #1 is going away this weekend and I am going to take her room, with its SUPER KING SIZE BED (it deserves capitalisation) and dvd player. 再见 going out, 你好 video shop.

"Who are these 'hot chip' fellows?"

For the last three days I have felt like killing myself.

And I don't mean that in an emo kind of "boo my life is bad" kind of way. I mean that in the kind of, I don't know, there's something wrong with my head kind of way. And there really is. I've almost stopped eating, I am getting back into self-harming... I disgust myself.

On Friday night I went out and I had to try not to cry. Maybe it's being at ULU, maybe it's being around people I feel I have nothing in common with other than the character traits I abore, maybe it's because I miss my old life. I got home and cried for an hour. I feel like a fraud.

I've got to the point where I can't even go out and get away from things. I'm trying to keep busy, but everytime I do anything, I hit a wall. I went up to Camberwell. I got chatted up, I ran away. Like RAN away. I can't take anything as a complement.

I would like to combust in a shower of rainbows.

I am not a nice girl.

I convinced him to come round, though he had no idea how I was feeling. I don't think he knows that he's my last chance, my last hope. I don't think I could ever tell him, so we just talk, and we look at pictures, and eat food. I told him that I thought the best way to live your life is to have no expectations, but he knows me and he knows my expectations are too great.

I leant out of my window for hours and watched the sky.

Today everyone came home and I entertained everyone with stupid behaviour. I cut my hair to amuse myself. I danced about in a towel. I ate some cereal and wanted to emoliate myself. I obsessively organised things. I turned down invitations because I can't face seeing my reflection in other people's eyes.

Ironically, today I stopped in the middle of the road and I thought that maybe, perhaps, possibly, the world is okay.

Saturday

Yesterday I came very close to doing something I wasn't ever meant to do again. But I didn't do it because I'm not that stupid [yet].

I get the overwhelming sense that this is not my life.