Why staying in is the new going out:

Staying in means drinking lots of tea. This is a good thing. I have drunk so much tea that I think I might pop. This is probably not such a good thing.

Obviously the story is far more complicated than that but now is not the time.

Tomorrow I am going to take down all the post it notes all over my bedroom because they're just making me feel guilty. There's nothing worse than being reminded of vocab that you didn't use in your exam, trust me on this one.

Actually, there's plenty worse but again, now is not the time.

three blind mice....

Today I have a lot of plans. I'm going to make some food with actual vitamins in it, REAL VEGETABLES shock horror. I need to stave off the scurvy. Obviously I'll have to go to the shops to do this, and that will involve getting dressed, so I'll do it a bit later. All I've done so far is watch the Grand Prix.

Poor #1 is really unhappy at the moment so I'm going to find ways of cheering her up. I don't really know any ways though. If I hadn't already given her all my music, I would make her a CD, but that would be kind of pointless. I feel quite impotent because there's nothing that I can do to help, but I'll give it a go anyway, even if it is just by her laughing at me.

I had a couple of very strange msn conversations yesterday. It's such an ambiguous medium, which doesn't bode well when talking to people whose lives revolve around ambiguity. We should go back to the good old days of typewriters and messenger pigeons. Last week, when I was in the library still, me and M were talking about how different things must have been back then, and how noisy the computer room must have been. I don't expect to ever hear from him again, which is a bit weird. But you know when you just sense that someone won't get in touch again because your purpose with them has been completed and fulfilled... that's how it is, I reckon. If he does get in touch, then that's great, but I hold out about as much hope for that as I do for some of my more unreliable friends ever sorting themselves out and being there more than just when they feel like it.

I was glad in the end that I went out yesterday because it was really cool. Legend's friends are lovely, and it was cool to see him again. I fell asleep on the night bus though and woke up god knows where. I haven't done that in AGES. Tonight I'm going to an 80's party with SS, and I'm going to wear legwarmers, though I sincerely doubt he will...

Off to make some food....

I don't feel like going out but I don't feel like staying in.

Wash your own windows you fuckers

So. I've finished my exams. Which means I've kind of finished university (again) but this time it's more serious because I don't have the option of coming back and studying some more (excluding PhD, which I think I am far too young to think about). So now I have to think about THE FUTURE and MY LIFE and MY CAREER. All of which I don't want to think about. In fact, all I want to do is wander around in my pyjama's and cry, which is what I've mainly been doing today.

I feel completely despondent and depleted and lonely. I'm doing my whole "I'm fine" thing but really, I am pretty fucking depressed.

I'm also pissed off with a few people, but now is not the time or the place. I think I'm pissed off with life generally, and the way that a couple of people have been acting - things that have/haven't been said, things that have/haven't been done - are, if not upsetting or puzzling, then at least downright rude.

Fuckit I'm ill again and there's no escaping it.

More tea, more painkillers...

Everytime I try and write anything in this, something happens that means I can't. Today, I get on the computer - quickly quickly though eh - and just check BBC news, and OMG ZOMG WTF the Cutty Sark is on fire??? Man, that's part of my childhood :( Gutted doesn't even begin to explain it. Me and the ship.

On Saturday I went out for lunch/dinner with SS and his fiance and about 8 others. It was really cool, we went to a Brazilian restuarant in Angel. I ate so much I actually thought I might pop, I felt really uncomfortable!! But it was lots of fun, it's wicked to get on well with my boss, even though he has now started calling me a hellish toad (I quite like that, it's Harry Potter-esque, no? and therefore part of my namesake...). In fact, the only downside was when the waiter put a chicken on my plate!! On top of my salad!! I thought I might cry, and I couldn't really say anything apart from "meeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh" or something similar. After dinner we went to The Green, which I'd been to before, but despite the sign outside saying that it was "london's premier middle class gay bar", I hadn't actually noticed that it was a gay bar.

Last night I stayed at the library til 4am and the incrimination (so to speak) continued, which was a very welcome revision break! Especially as during the course of the day I had managed to convince myself that I had tetanus (#1 says you can't get it from a rusty safety pin, but I thought that's how you got it?? And my finger hurts where it (ahem) "pricked" me, far more than you'd expect it to), and then convinced myself that my textbook was actually speaking to me, what with it's talk of bad students, alcoholism and domestic violence. Seriously, this textbook ain't for kids.

Today is my last exam and I have realised that it's hard to do revision/exams when you live far away and you still have to fit everything in and you're pretty much by yourself. For every one of my undergrad exams I had my ex to help me with stuff. Except when we were fighting, which was most of the time. But he did do sweet things, like he knew I'd be hungry so he packed some of the dhal (it was the 2-week dahl) in tin foil so it would stay hot and biked over to give it to me. That may of course have been the day I threw a chair at him, but whatever.

However, I am going to miss SOAS so much. I will miss this routine I have now - go to school, study in the library, chain smoke, maybe go to Tesco, smoke some more, drink ill-advised beer, take pro plus, study manically, and then chain smoke some more. Plus of course, last night's addition of handjobs in the 4th floor toilets.

Tonight I am going to get WASTED. Come join.

Life is best summed up in a Silver Jews song

I don't really have time to write much anymore, what with revision and generally living la vida library, but let me just say that I am very happy, and if I were to write more it would be very incriminating. Even though nothing has happened, to speak of. Ummm this is quite elusive, but I don't think it helps that I can barely speak english anymore. Plus, there's no need to incriminate myself at this point. I know what's going on, I think.

In other news, it's the final countdown with my exams, and I can't stop thinking about the most ridiculous things. F said the other day that we should make an alternative yearbook with the funniest quotes of the year. Inclusions so far are the comment about "he's going to be Gary Glitter in 40 years" and possibly the most ill-advised thing I ever said about my anthropology lecturer's parents sex life (ie "it's like picking your nose with gloves on". WHY?!?!?). Suggestions on a postcard please.

Also, after exams I'm going to be more of a human being and I might give my housemate back her duvet. In the meantime, the library beckons....

It's a very small (Lib Dem) World

Forgot to say - I'm going to whinge less and sing more.
I reckon things will seem better after exams.
Hopefully my body will hurt less and I'll be able to sleep properly.
"fuck chineseness", as the article goes.

In other words, I always really hated those people who whinged all the time, so I'm going to shut the fuck up.
Anyway, my hair is too cool for me to be miserable, and I'm starting to get a bit of a crush on this guy. That makes me sound like a 14 year old American girl.

Small world, seriously.

umbrella ella ella eh eh eh

When I fail my exams I am going to blame all the shitty music I've been listening to. You know how sometimes you hear a song and a YEAR later, you're still listening to it. Well, cast your mind back a year to this party I went to just after I was really ill, when I couldn't drink or eat cheese or any of the things I love so much... It was a party at some girl's house, I knew her through my then-boyfriend, who unbeknownst to me was planning not to be my boyfriend anymore but would be too scared to look me in the eye. The party was full of people I didn't really know and I talked to the Greeks, about when I'd come to their house and watched Eurovision and pissed off their Greek relatives by cheering Cyprus. Anyway, we were all sitting under a tree and eating strawberries and generally being very civilised, when it was decided that we should toast the marshmallows on the barbeque. I gave the job to N, my then-boyfriends then-housemate, and he put the marshmallow on top of a sausage. I tried to eat it, but I had to spit it out in a hedge, what with it being kinda meat-infused. Cue mockery. N tried it and he didn't make it to the hedge and nearly spat it on people's shoes. He threw an apple at me, I threw one back, he threw one harder - I have a scar on my face. it was all fun and games.

Later on, N's girlfriend played me this song (Nelly Furtado: Maneater) and I dunno, but it's not really losing any of its appeal. Which may be why I was singing it on the nightbus last night.

"I'm more of a gobbler"

It's been such a stressful weekend, what with the argument (which is all fine now) and us being potentially evicted. We made the mother of all spreadsheets and wrote the most awesome letter, so hopefully now we won't be homeless. I'm just so stressed - I want to cry whenever I look at my Chinese books because this stupid fucking grammar is too much for me. I need to try and think about a "career". Being served an eviction notice hasn't helped, and being in a perpetual state of having not enough money to sort things out is starting to get to me. Nothing changes but nothing stays the same.

I had a dream the other day that they had to chop my leg off, and now I'm scared to go and see my consultant.

The other day I admitted to this guy I know that I used to have a big crush on my sociology teacher, and it turns out that she's his teacher. I'm such a loser.

The facebook stalking has reached dizzy new heights, though it's not just me it seems...

I can't write coherent sentences anymore.

On the plus side, J is going to give me and #1 £50 if we strip off and snog for the Daily Sport. I'm all for it.

oi tea oi vey

It was kind of meltdown central here yesterday. #1 and I had an argument, the first argument we've ever ever had. I knew it was coming and I still acted like a twat. I knew when we were in the pub, and I knew for sure when she walked out of the room after calling me naive (on my views on policing, rather than anything else). But, we had an argument. And it was horrible and weird. I have promised not to carry on doing all the things that I was doing, ie not telling her what's really going on. Thing is, I knew she would be upset when I told her - which is why I didn't for so long. Then when I did, it was so late into it all that it was so much worse. And of course she was upset, who fucking wouldn't be upset when someone tells you THAT.

I need to stop talking about my feelings only when I'm drunk, or for comedy effect. I remember once P said you should make a joke out of adversity, but there comes a point when the people around you are sick of hearing the same old jokes, and would like to know how I really feel. I need to stop running away from problems, and I really need to stop overusing the phrase "I'm fine". It's scary, because I've compartmentalised everything for so long, and have tried to pretend that everything is and always has been fine. I need to get a grip.

There's a lot of things I need to change. My god, I'm 23 and I act like I'm 14. I have so many people I need to apologise to, and things I need to sort out. I wish the exams were over, as until they are, it's the perfect excuse to not change things.

I'm such a loser sometimes/all the time.

QOTD

Quote of the day yesterday comes from my mother:

"Men are single minded. All they're after is titties, bums and legs."




Seriously.

Discretion is my middle name

It's been pointed out that I'm very indiscrete. In fact, that I have a mouth like the channel tunnel. I don't think that's ENTIRELY accurate. I'd say I'm probably more lacking indescretion at work, which is perhaps a little bit foolish as surely that's where I should be more, I dunno, professional? It's nothing bad, mind, it's not like I've told any secrets or anything - yesterday was someone's birthday, and when it's a birthday, there's cake, a card and presents. So it's not like it's a SURPRISE or anything. Anyway, I found out about the birthday and bounded over to K to tell him, just as the birthday boy was walking past - though not exactly THAT near... Later on, the birthday boy looked on someone elses computer so see what time we'd bring the cake (again, not my fault, right?), and so he knew what to look for and when - if you know that, it's not hard to tell that I'm sticking candles in a cake and whatnot. So that was one incident. The other incident, where I admit I was completely indiscrete, was when I was jumping about and acting like a child with K, and said - really loudly - "where's SV?? I hope he hasn't gone yet!!!"... and OF COURSE he was right in front of me. Ack, it's not like I command any respect there anyway. In some ways that's a good thing - there are a couple of people there that I would not want respect from. But it does make me think, hmm, I'm 23 now, wouldn't it be nice if I wasn't treated like I was 15? Because being treated like a kid makes me act like a kid, and then it's a vicious cycle. And yes, I had a waterfight. And what??

I went to the library after work, cos I'm THAT cool, and stayed until about 2am. I got quite a lot of work done, though I was really pissed off because people were properly talking. I've never seen that in a library before. The acoustics there mean that it's fucking noisy anyway. I guess people made noise in the LSE library, but cos it was such a huge space, it didn't seem noisy. These stupid fucking girls, yesterday, chatting away. The only plus side was that they were speaking Urdu, of which I understand very little, so it didn't distract me as much as it might have done. I still told them to shut up though.

The other day I was in the lift talking to M about my hip, which has gotten really painful again. He asked when I was going to get my MRI results, and I said I didn't really want them until after exams because it was just another level of stress, just in case it was something bad - and if it's not that bad, then there's no real reason to know now. We were discussing how I had such a (and I quote) "spacker leg". Then I realised there was a man in a WHEELCHAIR behind me and I felt really bad. Oops.

My moods are all over the place at the moment. #1 is trying to pressure me into admitting there's something wrong but - seriously - I'm fine. Well, I'm not. I'm all over the place. But I don't see what talking about it will do. Funny how the only people who want to talk to me about it are the people I want to just pretend I'm fine, and the people who pretend I'm fine are the ones I want to talk to. It's probably an easy dichotomy to make, because the end result is the same - I don't talk about it - and I would justify it some other way if things were different. Anyway, yeah, I'm FINE.

Things I am going to do after exams:
1. Get hideously drunk
2. Join the gym again
3. Try not to get tendonitis again
4. When I am fitter, I'm going to invite myself along to the gym with SV and T, where I will no doubt try and beat them on the rowing machine and get tendonitis again
5. Go canoeing?? I haven't kayaked since I was about 15
6. Go camping
7. Visit my brother
8. Do a hell of a lot of karaoke

I just accidentally bleached my feet.

I can haz icecream thanks?

You know, if he wasn't such a dickhead at times, he'd be so great.
I'm not going to explain that further.

Today I finally handed in my essay. Woohoo!! Though I realised I did something stupid. On the submission form, I put the deadline as 23th April, when it was the 24th. And we lose 2% a day, so I just managed to lose myself 2%. Spaz. I had my last ever class at SOAS. It was quite a high note as it was with Song Laoshi. After the class, I went to have a word with him with A, and we told him that we thought he was great. Haha, how lame... Nevermind. I sat on the grass and chatted to A about politics for ages.

Later on I dropped by the bar and we drew a picture of O. It was AWESOME. He's quite a cartoon character anyway, so he's an easy target.

Ah, I'm feeling the SOAS nostalgia. Even though I haven't seen many of my friends in ages.

Work is alright as well, even though SS is away. Poor SS, I hope he's okay. I almost miss being called a loser, though I'm still being set up with a one legged diabetic prisoner, so that's some consolation. Tomorrow, me and SV are going to try and eat a whole loaf of bread and then I will try and touch his leg again. hehehe

Everything is aiiiiiiiiiiight. I'm doing some washing and I might even take my duvet to the dry cleaners at the weekend. I think I'm just sleep deprived. It's not so bad.

What kind of a university...

What kind of a university sends out an email like this:

I regret to have to inform you that there have been a number of incidents during 24 hour opening of the library that has caused a great deal of concern.

Students are reminded that sleeping in the library, and the consumption of food and drink is not allowed.

It's not like the old days, I'm telling you. I remember eating a curry in the library (with pasta, cos we'd run out of rice and had neither the time nor money to buy anymore) and then going to sleep in my sleeping bag under a table. I have come to the conclusion that although SOAS seems (and is in many, many ways) more relaxed than LSE, LSE is much more sleep-friendly.

University generally has turned into an unmitigated disaster. I'm looking at re-takes. My Chinese teacher is looking at me crying in his office. It's not looking great.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Oh god.
I must try and fight the urge to throw up everytime I find out something bad.
Seriously, the WORST thing has happened.

I'm sure I'll calm down in a while, but for now I'm just in shock because I never EVER thought this would happen, and also I'd kinda counted on it NEVER happening, and now it has.

Aaaargh and it's eclipsed all my good news, boooo :(

Must. Do. More. Essay. And. Less. Of. The. Panic.

貌合神离

Currently I am thinking about dropping out of uni.

Though apparently I will have to find £57 to pay a library fine before I do that. How did I get a £57 fine? It's all this one stupid little book, which doesn't even have 57 fucking pages. And of course, I haven't read it, bar the introduction, which I thought was interesting but inherently occidentalist.

I'm going to have to stop using long words and quasi-constructs if I'm going to quit uni.

I'm feeling disheartened with everything at the moment really. I went to SOAS after work and it was all weird. I don't belong there at all. Everyone was standing around playing pool, or watching people play pool. I have no interest in that - I used to do that when I was 17, and we'd skive off classes and go to WT's and drink lager. Maybe it's a rite of passage you have to go through, and in the UK you just go through it earlier, by necessity. I don't know. I find the attitude all wrong, as the boys - and it's always the boys who are playing - have some low-level sexism going on. It's very patronising, not to mention boring. Plus, some of the people who were playing were people who I tend to try and have as little to do with as possible. So it irked a little that I was spending time with them. There was something else that was weird too - a very strange dynamic that I couldn't quite place.

After work something else odd happened as well, involving me and a girl who has been trying her best to demonstrate to me just how little she likes me. Yesterday she really took the piss, and she needs to take herself, her attitude and her over-inflated sense of self and fuck right off.

I need to try and write things now. Tonight #1 and I are going out for dinner, and then to the cinema. It's going to be awesome :) But I need to make sure I've been productive between now and then, so I can really enjoy myself tonight. I haven't been to the cinema in AGES, so I'm very excited - and there's no one I'd rather go with than #1.

1 to the 2 to the 3 to the 4, limehouse police knocking at my door

I'm facing facts about my essay/degree - it's kinda fucked. But that's okay, I'm going to the disabilities office on Monday and I will tell Z everything that has happened, and it will all be okay.

Thing is, and I know this sounds ridiculous, I know I have profound thoughts about things, and I know that my views aren't stupid. I just can't face putting them onto paper. I don't want to commit. I've always been like that, not making that final effort in case it goes wrong, or deliberately sabotaging things when they're going a bit too well for me to be comfortable.

I'm such a loser - I have commitment issues with my ESSAYS.

nostalgeeeeeaaaaaaah

I was just thinking about how much I miss Lul. I haven't seen her in soooooooo long, since I guess when she woke me up at 5am to say bye, in Norway. I still owe her a pair of jeans, though they're the ones I have to wear under a dress cos they keep falling down.

Once Lul was convinced that the Chemical Brothers had subliminal messages in their songs. This is why I love Lul. And that she taped up the holes on her Silk Cuts.

veto veto veto YOU

I am veto-ing this essay. I have written nothing, I have the inclination to write even less. I missed my appointment with my supervisor today, which is really crap because a) I kind of need to see him about my dissertation of doom, and b) I have a really illadvised crush on him. Okay, yeah yeah, you shouldn't fancy your teachers, but he's really lovely and we agree on loads of anthropological things and I just kind of trust him... However he thinks I'm an odd girl, cos I was so tongue tied for half of our last meeting, and then I decided to tell him that I'm bulimic. Why did I think he'd want to hear that? I figure SOAS is much cooler than LSE, the teachers are so much more chilled. Needless to say, I didn't fancy any of my LSE teachers (even though Alan Sked spent 3 years trying to have a threesome with me and my ex), except maybe my historiography teacher, but then, only a little, because his hobby was making figurines of battles. Seriously, I googled him and he has a whole website about it. Legend. Come on, everyone has to fancy their teacher at some point. It's the whole power thing - it must be, or why else did everyone fancy that fucking bitch of a woman (the one who said "one day, I'm sure you'll find something you're good at" JUST BEFORE MY FINALS)

In summary, screw the essay. Veto it (that's only really funny if you're in my politics class).

Today I was a really, really nice girl. I went to Kings Hospital for someone else and pretended it was for me. Although that could raise slight moral problems, as my "nice" act involved lying to the NHS, I wouldn't consider it in any way immoral. It's the tip of the iceberg of what I would do for that girl. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would do the same for me - which I know is a really terrible and selfish thing to think - because I would seriously do anything for the people I care about, and yet - I don't know - and yet I'm sat here by myself trying to convince myself not to do all the things that I do (the bad things). I'm going to fail my exams. I didn't do my essay today because I got up really early to go to the hospital, and then have been too tired and anxious all day. I think I try to justify my existence by doing good deeds, which is a fairly good indicator of how little I think of myself.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty chirpy, what with seeing everyone and all that. I do really like everyone at SOAS, and it's such an awesome feeling to get to school and have people say "I've missed you so much, let me kiss you!" and stuff like that. Loads of the people who couldn't come to my birthday were around, which was lovely. I went for a pint with D, who was calling me a filthy heterosexual. I wish I'd made more time for him this year, he's a very very interesting guy and one day we will be the hottest academics in the whole country :) And then I'll exploit the power relations in the opposite direction and snare me some 18 years olds. Then of course THE INCIDENTS last night were pretty hilarious. I tenuously made up with G, though I didn't believe a word he said. Come on, the boy's a compulsive liar. So I lied and said that I'd got given a car for my birthday, but I wouldn't drive over to see him cos I didn't like his house or his face. I can't believe earlier in this post I was talking about how I was a nice girl.

I just can't help feeling like I'm being abandoned. When SOAS is over, everyone will leave for all over the world and I am worried that no one will keep in touch, with me at least.

All I ever do is complain eh.

I'd rather be in the pub.

An hour later, #1 came into my room to look for condoms. Then just now #2 came to get some. Two observations:

1) I should maybe set up my own pharmacy at this rate
2) They are quite literally shagging me out of house and home.

Boris Yeltsin has died, but to be honest I was always more of a Gorbachev girl anyway.