It was kind of meltdown central here yesterday. #1 and I had an argument, the first argument we've ever ever had. I knew it was coming and I still acted like a twat. I knew when we were in the pub, and I knew for sure when she walked out of the room after calling me naive (on my views on policing, rather than anything else). But, we had an argument. And it was horrible and weird. I have promised not to carry on doing all the things that I was doing, ie not telling her what's really going on. Thing is, I knew she would be upset when I told her - which is why I didn't for so long. Then when I did, it was so late into it all that it was so much worse. And of course she was upset, who fucking wouldn't be upset when someone tells you THAT.
I need to stop talking about my feelings only when I'm drunk, or for comedy effect. I remember once P said you should make a joke out of adversity, but there comes a point when the people around you are sick of hearing the same old jokes, and would like to know how I really feel. I need to stop running away from problems, and I really need to stop overusing the phrase "I'm fine". It's scary, because I've compartmentalised everything for so long, and have tried to pretend that everything is and always has been fine. I need to get a grip.
There's a lot of things I need to change. My god, I'm 23 and I act like I'm 14. I have so many people I need to apologise to, and things I need to sort out. I wish the exams were over, as until they are, it's the perfect excuse to not change things.
I'm such a loser sometimes/all the time.
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