Perhaps it's time to be honest.
I'm completely freaked out. I started crying in the road because I have the largest struggle ahead, and I know that I know now what I have to do. I am absolutely terrified, because to do it, I would have to dismantle my life. And that is a horrific thought, even though I know it would be much better in the end. I don't know whether I can live with the literal "deconstruction". I certainly don't think I should inflict it on my housemates.
The truth of the matter - well, the truth, the truth.... Isn't that subjective? Enough joking, enough fooling around, with all my bravado and my bullshit. The truth is ugly.
Hi. I'm 22, I'm doing a Masters, which I'm doing terribly at. I have pretty much ZERO job prospects. I'm have bulimia. I cut myself. When I can't cut myself I find anything to hurt myself with. I have a problem with alcohol. I lie about all of this, to you all, to myself, to whoever.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm so tired. I want to sleep forever.
But I have to go and be sociable. I will pay for all this deceit.
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3 comments:
Hats,
I left my laptop on whilst I fell asleep. Your LJ comment concurrently confused and scared the hell out of me. I havent read your blog in too long. When you check this - get on msn. We should meet. Today if possible. Or asap. I wont be too far from my room all day so message me and we'll arrange something x
grr my msn is totally inoperative x ill call you tonight. theres some rubbishy halls party. if you fancy there IS reason to turn up. a) drinks in fancy colours and b)the possiblity of ditching the party with said drinks.
Best of luck Hattie, I hope things get better for you. If you need anything to help just gimme a bell innit.
BTW 'tis total bollocks about you being unemployable. You've got an LSE degree, soon to get a masters and you speak Chinese for frick's sake. Have you thought of the foreign office?
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