let's just keeping touching, let's just keep singing...

I have come to a very frightening realisation. On the coach on the way home today, it came to me just how bad things have become. Thankfully, I have lost the ability to cry, or I would have cried all the way home. This is deliberately cryptic because I haven't told anyone about this. This afternoon I had a nap and when I woke up I wished I had never been to sleep. How can a dream be so real, and so painful, and so brutally correct about the future? How can that thing have happened in my dream in such a horrific way? I half wish I'd never dreamt it, though really I'd do anything to go back and do it again, even though it was a dream. If there was any chance it could happen in real life, I think I would cry. But it won't, I know it won't. Possibly because it's what I want most. I could scream with how much this is getting to me, and how much I just wish there was even the smallest chance. My mind is going over all the things that have already happened, and try as I might to construct something positive out of it, all I can see is a colourful blur of catastrophe. This is terrible, truly terrible, and if I could stay in bed forever and ever I would crawl in right now, and never go out, and never see anyone again. I feel sick.

On a completely unconnected note, I have had a good weekend. We went to the countryside, to #5's mum's house. #1 and I rocked up there without even washing, so spent the afternoon having a bath and getting ready, and marvelling at the house. In the evening there was a murder mystery party! It was so cool!! It was 1920s themed, and I was a belly dancer. I looked quite ridiculous but it was fun. Everyone was really nicely dressed up, and despite my fear of my own social retardedness, I didn't spaz up too much. At about midnight I found #1 curled up on a bed, so I put her to bed. Lightweight. I had a snog (or ten) with a very attractive 22 year old (kinda young for me!) and his friends took the piss out of me. I like to think I redeemed myself with my words of wisdom later on to an upset girl. I guess while I am not always a nice drunk, I can be nice sometimes. And thankfuly I wasn't the murderer, or the murdered one.

In the morning I woke up on the floor, covered in scratches, next to the boy I'd been snogging. #1 and #5 were in the bed (the bed I should have been sleeping in until I decided I wanted to do a bit of teenage fumbling on the floor!) and they peered over at me and mocked me. I was wearing only my pants and my sleeping bag, so when I stood up to get in the bed (a bit of 3 in a bed mansions love) I flashed everyone. I bet that was appreciated. My hip is extremely painful today because of sleeping on the floor, though it was kinda worth it cos I fell asleep being hugged, which was very very nice. Still, I can now only sleep face down, star shape, which I suppose isn't a good thing.

Ireland beat England in the rugby at Croke Park. Like I even know anything about rugby.

I'm going to go and take some painkillers and go to bed now. I wish I had painkillers strong enough to blot out how I feel inside.