Mmmmm books

I don't know what's wrong with me, why my moods change so much. Last night, on the way home, I felt really positive. I have a job, I've handed in all my work on time, I have a (semi) strategy to resolve how crap I am at Chinese, and things are going swimmingly with my friends, even the friendships I thought I'd fucked up through a combination of drunkenness and stupidity. I was looking at London by night from the top deck of a double decker bus, listening to music, and I thought, hey, this isn't too bad.

P seems to have made a reappearance, which is good. I thought his essay had actually swallowed him up. I kept talking complete gibberish to him, as I'd only had 3 hours sleep (essay) and I was happy to see him. Later on I started ranting on about how crap it is to be a girl, what with the fallings out girls have, and the bitchiness that is on the one hand expected, and on the other hand, completely criticised. I wouldn't want to be a guy either, which I think is quite a destructive tension in my life. I tried to explain this to P but I don't think he understood what I was talking about. Sometimes I just want to talk to (or is that "at"?) him for ever, because he's insightful at the same time as actually being far more innocent than I feel. That probably doesn't make much sense. I'm going to try and stop being such a mentalist all the time. I'm sure he's sick of me crying. (I'm sick of me crying)

Yesterday I actually felt warm for the first time in ages. The Bierodrome in Angel has a fire, and leather armchairs. All that was missing was a cat, curled up, and a tumbler of whiskey, and maybe some comfy slippers and a pipe. I suggested marshmallows but M told me I was americanising the experience. But as L said, he's German and he would probably try and stick sausages on the fire. We were talking about how we want to bring up kids in the countryside. Sometimes I feel so old. Youth of today, etc.

A called me earlier (but I was sleeping). He wants to go for coffee. I've decided to go because I'm civil like that, and cos it's on the way into town, where I'm going to the Oxfam Books and Music in Marylebone. Anyway, otherwise I would just stay in my room all day and cry and listen to German electronica. Yeah, cos I'm cool like that. Why do I feel so miserable? Shoot me please.