Honk if you're lonely tonight

- Wake up Potta! I'm going to see a rapist. Should I take the 37 bus?

Awoken from a bad sleep, I give #1 a hug and lock the door behind her. I contemplate eating something and eventually decide to eat a bread roll. Food has lost all appeal. I haven't eaten carbs properly in about a month. I am well aware that this is a problem but there is nothing I can do about it.

Morning television sucks. I don't know, it just seems like life is a series of cheap shots. I go back to bed, and retrieve my copy of Charlotte Gray from where it has got trapped between the bed and the wall, and try and get lost in the book.

The phone rings. I ignore it. Then I remember my resolution to answer my phone a bit more often. It's #1. She couldn't find the rapist. She comes home and we have coffee. She's angry and sad. I want to help but I don't know what to say. She leaves to go back to work and I wander about in my room, aimlessly picking things up and listening to TV on the Radio.

Yesterday I spoke to G and he laughed at me for being such an alcoholic, though it's not really funny. I told him about P. He laughed at me again, cos he thinks I'm being ridiculous about the whole thing. He says I should be more proactive. "'No' is so negative," he told me. "It's far easier to say 'yes'." I didn't tell him about A, I don't know why.

S thinks it sounds like a fairytale but I think it sounds like yet another fuck up on my behalf.

Last night I got out all my old photos and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. Today it's not quite so funny and I'm getting tired of feeling so rundown. I can't go back to bed because I have a test tomorrow. I don't want to do the test because I lose at Chinese, but I console myself with the thought that things will get better.