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Sunday night, and I have, quite unintentionally, managed to get a bit tipsy. I say unintentionally as 1) I hadn’t planned to drink, and 2) I didn’t plan to drink this much, even if I did have a drink. However, there we go.

On Thursday I met J after work. We went to the Monarch for some drinks, and then went back to his. He really is amazingly lovely. We didn’t end up going to sleep until pretty late, which was a bit silly really as I had work the next day. In the morning, I felt really shitty so decided not to go to work. J is quite phenomenally ill and gave me some more germs to help prolong my cold. Much appreciated. I’m sure drinking beer and doing coke didn’t help, but I don’t normally feel that rough when I wake up- its not like we drank a lot- so I’m pretty sure it was some sort of mutant cold. Everyone at work is ill- about a third of the staff (or so it seems) have been ill this last week. One of the press officers had blown his nose so much that it was bright red. Anyway, I called in sick and lay on the sofa at J’s house, feeling pretty sorry for myself. He cooked some food, as he was having massive cravings for pork chops (so much so that he got the Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall meat book and brought it to bed to help him decide what exact part of a pig he wanted to get. Although I wasn’t really all that hungry, I appreciated the food (obviously not meat for me!), and proceeded to spend the entire afternoon safely ensconced on the sofa, like a lazy bastard.

We decided to watch a film, and after some pretty idiotic behaviour on J’s part (not putting the sound on on the dvd player), we watched ’28 Days Later’. I’d watched this ages ago… I think it was back when I lived in Wood Green, so it really must have been quite a while ago (why I remember that I watched it there, I don’t know- you would have thought I would have tried to erase that horrible house from my memory). Anyway, I remembered that I’d enjoyed it. Especially the shots of a deserted London at the beginning. I know it’s quite sad, but I’m fascinated by this city. It really is more like home to me than anywhere else I’ve lived (admittedly that list is not huge- the fens and Cambridge). Going back to the film: it was far better than I remembered. I had completely forgotten about the middle. It was, in parts, quite gory, but it was fabulous- though in a gratuitously violent way. I’ve watched quite a few zombie films (it was pretty much the staple diet of things to watch when I was with G), and this is one of my favourites. Having said that, I don’t know whether my taste in films is all that great. I don’t think I’ll ever be a movie critic anyway. For what it’s worth, I would highly recommend ’28 Days Later’ to those who haven’t already seen it.

On my way back from J’s, I decided to pop in at B’s house. I’d completely forgotten that they live on the same road- only about 100 metres from each other in fact. The light was on in B’s room, so I called, and went round for a cup of tea. B is a friend from sixth form who I had a strange encounter with months and months ago (that’s detailed way, way back in this blog). It was nice to see him, though he was very stressed. He’s always quite stressed. He’s been a dj for about as long as I can remember, and it seems to be going pretty well for him. He plays at all sorts of venues across London. It’s not really my type of music, but it’s still pretty impressive, especially as he’s also doing his degree.

On Friday night I somehow managed to get pretty slaughtered on wine, by myself. At some point I tried to do the guardian crossword, and I actually managed about half of it. Clearly that’s the way to do it- although if I could find a way to make my eyes stay in focus, that would really help. At about 2, my housemate and one of her Geordie friends got back, and I went to her room to drink beer and laugh hysterically. We were being pretty loud, and one of my other housemates was obviously pissed off as she kept getting up to slam doors. It was fun though, despite the fact I couldn’t understand some of what they were saying. Sometimes, with strong accents, it really is like a different language. They invited me to sleep in their bed, but I recalled how cramped it was the last time I shared a bed with two other people, and went back to my own room.

In the morning I was woken up by a steam train. At first I thought I was hearing things, but no. it was a steam train. I have no idea why a steam train was going through Herne Hill station on a Saturday morning. I decided to head into Soho for the afternoon, just for a wander, so after a very long shower, I set off. It wasn’t all that great. I browsed some bookshops and saw a tourist fall over and nearly get trampled. I then came back home and attempted to understand my housemate’s boyfriend’s explanation of the offside rule. He’s a Spurs fan, like J, so I took the piss out of the game last weekend (which constitutes my entire knowledge of football). My ex rang and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner on Tuesday. I told him I had no money, but he said he’d pay. I don’t really want to see him, but he’s going away for a year or something so I suppose I should, seeing as he wants to see me. He kept calling me ‘sweetheart’, which I was getting a bit narked about. He said that the meal would be ‘no strings’ and that I shouldn’t think he was being ‘too forward’. I told him fat bloody chance. How can you be too forward with someone you lived with for three years? And ‘no strings’- for him to even think that I would think it was anything more is stupid. I don’t want to be his friend, let alone anything more. I don’t think he is a nice person, and he certainly isn’t one that I want in my life. Which begs the question- why meet him for dinner? Well, I will get a great deal of satisfaction out of showing him that I’m far happier without him and that although he shat on me for years, I’m not that little girl anymore.

Then I cracked open some more wine and watched ‘Final Destination’. I’d seen the sequel, but not the first one, and I reckon the second is better. The deaths were all funny though. Blood and guts galore. Gosh, I’m pretty weird like that…

After the film, I started to mope around, feeling sorry for myself. I was getting super paranoid. I was also trying to decide if I was crazy and whether I should start taking my medication again. I really have no idea what I’m doing with my life and it’s getting me down. In the end, I decided that I would apply for my masters, try for funding, try and sort out China, apply for jobs, and various other things (none of which I’ve actually done today). I decided not to take my medication again as I have spent the last month and a half trying to come off the stuff, and although I don’t like feeling like crap, I hate the withdrawal of the drugs even more. With the SSRI’s, you have to choose whether to take them properly or not at all. I’m not getting back in that cycle of taking them again, as it will take me a month to get used to them again, and however long to come off them eventually. As long as I’m not killing myself, it’s okay. If I do start feeling really bad, I will just ask for some diazepam or something. No more bastard SSRI’s. My other decision was that I really wanted to watch ‘East is East’, which I remembered I had on dvd. ‘East is East’ is possibly my favourite film. I’ve seen it about twenty times and know the lines well before they’re said, but I love it and I still find it hilarious. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t find it so funny if I hadn’t have been with my ex (a British Pakistani, with the family to match) or if I didn’t have a pretty dysfunctional family of my own (though of course, nothing like the Khan family). Then I fell off the bed (I’m not sure how) and fell asleep while on the phone.

Today has been quite a lazy day. We all went to Escape, a pub in Herne Hill, as it has wireless internet, but we couldn’t get it to work. My housemate told me that her friend had said that she would never wear what I wear, but that it looked good on me. I then started to worry that I look like a tramp. I don’t think that was helped particularly by the fact that I was wearing a nightdress over jeans in the pub. I did a bit of reading for the masters that I may or may not ever do. I cooked a pretty fabulous curry and ate far more than I should have. My housemate laughed at my bedroom so I spent an hour or so tidying and cleaning it. I also had a nice chat with J on the phone, who might be coming round tomorrow (I suppose would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of the reason I was making my room less skank was because of that). Having spent most of Saturday night convincing myself that J didn’t like me (I’m paranoid like that), it was really cool to talk to him and think to myself that- oh my god, maybe he does like me? Which’d be good as I like him. It feels good just going with it actually- although it’s not something that I do naturally as I worry too much about everything. I think that as long as I don’t let myself get overtaken by paranoia, then I will really enjoy whatever this is with J. oh, and if he learns to mumble less on the phone as he is damn near incomprehensible when he mumbles!!

This evening, as I already mentioned, I got pissed. My housemate suggested having some vodka as she was pretty wound up and wanted to chill out before going to sleep. Instead, we ended up behaving like silly girls and we drank lots of vodka, sang stupid songs and tried to decide whether we could get away with putting the plug that had fallen into a pint glass of water into the mains ever again. I didn’t really see a problem with it, but she pointed out that the danger of death was quite high. And I think that’s my weekend covered. I still have a cold and I’m horribly congested still. I continually feel like I’m going to sneeze, and my nose just will not stop running. The earache and swollen glands have gone though, so I suppose that’s some improvement. I think I have acquired a drinking problem. However, that is not something I am willing to deal with, now or in the immediate future, as at the moment, I’m having fun. Right, now bed, as I need to try NOT to sleep in in the morning. Good night!!