Just how much sweet chilli sauce can one girl have?

I've been well rubbish at updating this, because I feel like I am going slightly insane. I feel genuinely depressed, and not just situationally. Which sucks, I don't want to be depressed again. I'm so over that, I've been doing that for feckin years now. Part of me thinks I should go to the doctor and part of me thinks I should just get on with stuff. At the weekend I lay pretty comatose on my bed (on a goddamm Saturday night) actually thinking about killing myself. This isn't good. Of course, I am too apathetic to do anything about it, but it's not a nice way to feel. To compensate for this, I have been very hyperactive. Like, silly hyperactive. If my hip wasn't really painful then I would be running around, but I can't do that. One sure sign that something is seriously wrong with me is that my sleep is all wrong. I can't sleep properly at all, and part of this is that my hip hurts a lot, but part of it is that dreaming is a very dangerous thing when you feel like nothing is anything, if that makes any sense at all.

The worst thing is, I'm sure people know something is wrong, but I just ignore it and talk about stupid stuff, and then send panicked text messages at 2 am because I feel like I'm destroying myself. I love all my friends. They are putting up with a lot.

All that said, the past few days have been quite eventful, in a lazy Sunday afternoon kind of way. On Friday night I went out for a few drinks with some people from work, which was nice. Saturday daytime was cool as I went shopping with #1. I bought some new shoes, a pile of stuff from Holland and Barrett, and some books. Actually, in the bookshop it was quite funny cos the guy at the checkout (is that the right word?) said that there was a 10% discount for students. I told him I wasn't a student (yet) but he gave me the discount anyway. I suggested to #1 that it was because I was buying academic type books, but she said, quite loudly, that it was because I was a "dirty vegetarian tree hugging hippy student" but that's cos she's a filthy omnivore.

On Sunday I went to R's birthday celebration thing, in a pub in Ravenscourt Park, which was cool. I realised on the way home that the reason I act like such a complete twat (yeah, I know I said I'd cut down on my usage of that word, but it's too apt on this occasion) is because then people will laugh at my jokes, and hopefully then they'll like me. And if they don't laugh at my jokes, maybe they'll just think it's my jokes that are crap rather than the entire essence of my soul. I suck.

Yesterday spawned the line "it's like being in a room with one hundred Seth Cohen's" and today I found out that my friends dad thinks Marks & Spencers is called (seriously) Marks Expensive, and he genuinely thought the phrase was "next of skin", and for this reason, I love this man. Though not as much as the man at work who I swear is actually some sort of god. Yesterday I went to see some bands with S, SB and #5. I like it when my friends get along. It was a very nice evening. #5 and I got the train part of the way home with two of the boys in Esiotrot, who were possibly the sweetest boys ever in the whole world. It all went a bit wrong though cos me and #5 had to get another train afterwards, and there was a woman on the same carriage as us, talking INCESSANTLY about how her mother used to beat her, with her friend, a grossly overweight man from Paisley with aspirations to be some sort of psychologist. As I got off the train, I announced to #5 (slightly too loudly) that I'm not surprised the mother had beaten her, I was tempted to do so even now. Poor #5 had been trying to sleep but it was akin to sleeping next to a pneumatic drill.

I decided that I was going to become a nicer person (leading S to tell me that she will get me institutionalised before I can fully implement my admittedly rather stupid plan). Thing is, I decide things like that, and then spend the whole day at work laughing at people getting stuck in the revolving door.