I am so over this.

It seems like I am incapable of having a nice straightforward time. Like Monday, I go out, and I find out that lots of things I took as a given were in fact a big pack of lies, and that actually, I was right to be worried about being abandoned, because (and yeah yeah this sounds paranoid) it was actually part of a plan! Ho hum. Then on Tuesday, what was meant to be a nice glass of wine with (admittedly a fucking delicious) supper turned into two bottles of wine and me and SB sitting on the balcony in the rain going "it's so mild, isn't this pleasant?" but then realising we were cold and wet. But more headfuckingly weird was the incessant "you should be together, he's really lovely, he really loved you, why don't you get married and have some babies together", which although well-intentioned, is messing with my head.

Last night, which was meant to be a quiet drink after work, ended up with all sorts of stuff I won't detail, but then me leaving early so I could go home and meet SB. I went into #1's room and she told me something that wasn't even bad for fuck's sake but I started crying because I just started thinking that I'm no ones favourite, I'm no ones special person or whatever, I'm just... well I don't know, but it's not great. In the end she kicked me out of her room and I waited for SB but she didn't come until 8am. Then today at work, which I was kind of dreading, I find out a whole new level of shitness and I just think, fuck this shit, I want to cry. Part of me thinks 'a friend wouldn't do that', and part of me thinks 'well actually they just did and are you that desperate to hold onto anyone who says they're your friend that you'll let them do that and make out like you don't really mind', and unfortunately I kinda say yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh to the last one.

But, and this is no consolation, however shit work is, I'm going to feel awful when I go home. Not only is there an unfolding 'situation' I need to think about, which doesn't really affect me but bothers me anyway, but #1 is having some problems I need to help her with. And SB is moving to Hackney, so I am a bit sad. Why? Because GUESS WHAT STOP PRESS (and all that) - I am being abandoned. Again. Or I'm not, but it feels like I am, so I am going to get hideously drunk.

One good thing is that with this new terror alert, the planes won't be flying. I live under a flightpath and I sit outside and watch the planes and think about where the people are going and where they have been and what they have to tell people on arrival, and whether they're happy about it or worried or completely ambivalent. I wonder whether any of them are as precious (and I'm aware this sounds ridiculous) as N, and I think no, no, they can't be. And then I cryyyyyyyyyyyyyy. #5 found me doing this the other day and she was like "oh, are you thinking about a certain air steward, perhaps?" and I just started babbling on about Heathrow and promises and ex-girlfriends and why I would never forget that he wouldn't even look at me.

I saw a pigeon trying to eat a rock and I hoped it would break it's break and then I felt really guilty. G went to Jamaica and all he could tell me was that he saw a chicken standing on a pig. I am so over this.