The Bridge

I went to Strawberry Fair yesterday with M and D. It was weird to go back to Cambridge after so long away. I kind of felt that I should know more, and instead I felt like a bit of an outsider in the city I spent so much time in. It was nice to see friends that I hadn't seen in such an absurdly long time, but it was also strange because so many people that I used to know weren't there. It doesn't feel like home anymore, while still being so familiar. I'm glad I left, but at the same time I feel like I left a part of me behind. Gone are the days when I could walk down the street in Cambridge and see people I knew at every corner, and I do miss that. It's an insular kind of place, and it would drive me mad to live there... and yet....

We spent a lot of the day with H, who I hadn't seen in about a year and a half. I've known him since we played the violin together at various music things, when we were about 13 or thereabouts, although we didn't keep in touch all that time, and only became friends again when I was 17 (Cambridge is small - you see the same people again and again). He's such a lovely guy, and it was so cool to hang out properly yesterday. We're going to set up a business selling armpit wigs, in honour of our friend W, who dyed his armpit hair on the train once. I do miss Cambridge. I need to make more of an effort to keep in touch with H, because a gap of 18 months is a little excessive, especially for someone so nice.

They had proper airport security at Cambridge station, with knife checks and sniffer dogs. It was quite strange, though good I guess - I imagine a lot of people got caught with drugs. Sniffer dogs always weird me out cos they look all friendly and then they ignore you (so long as you have nothing on you). However, as this guy I used to know found out, if you run over and start petting them, then they'll lick you and be all normal, and the police will haul you off and search you. Then find nothing and have to make an apology.

On Friday I didn't wear a dress. Or I did, but it wasn't really a dress, it was a skirt worn as a dress. I met C and we drank wine in the park before buying some gin to drink at the club, on the sly like. I had a really good time, talked to lots of people, had an argument with B (he said I was addicted to cutting myself, I said no, then I said yes, then we made up and had some shots), talked politics with O (he said I was actually quite clever, but I think we all know the subtext - I know more than he'd expect from a white girl, although by this point I was quite drunk so I have no idea what I said... how white is that), didn't dance... I like the people in drama society, and I'm jealous of everyone who'll be there next year. I wish I'd done my MA part-time so I could have more time at SOAS, and also so I wasn't so strapped for cash. Can't change it now I guess, though retrospectively it was a crazy idea to do it full-time while working this much.

I still feel very let down and pissed off about what I was told the other day, but I am not going to let it show. I'm also going to make more of an effort all round. Though not today, because today I feel really miserable, and I stayed in bed most of the day. I think it would probably do me good to talk to someone but I don't know who I should talk to, because everyone has their own problems, and only a limited time to deal with everything in. So I think I just won't, I'll just read more Sebastian Faulks and stay in my room a lot until something happens to change this status quo. Much as I dislike being an observer/passenger in my own life, I have come to dislike any actions I take, so for now, I'm taking a passive role.

I'd really like a hug, thanks.