I think it has just hit me that it's over. Like properly hit me. And no amount of drinking or cracking jokes is going to make it better. People think I'm in a good mood today, but really I'm just pedalling so hard to try and make it all stay still. Before midday I take five pro plus and then I throw up all my lunch, which is the only meal I allow myself. I don't want to exist. All this 'feeling pain makes you feel you're alive' bullshit is wrong. I'm not angry any more, I'm not all self-righteous with my "why me, I'm such a nice person" crap. I'm just overwhelmingly and completely all encompassingly sad. But it's fine. I'll pretend and I'll put on a show and I will try to scrape my insides off the soles of my feet. And I'll pretend I'm not drowning in a sea of loneliness. I feel ill all the time now- I'm always shaking, I feel so sick. It's like nerves. I'm so apprehensive about the future because if this is what it's going to be like, then I want no part of it. I don't know what to do. He sent me a text and I was so happy but I felt like I'd been kicked. This is the most horrible thing, and I would give anything if it could just be okay again for an hour or a minute even, and for him to hold me again. I wish I could just vanish from the face of the earth.
My abject misery aside, I think everyone should say well done to all the people who got their exam results today. I'm very proud of all of them.
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2 comments:
Oh Lamb :(
Life is fucking hard sometimes, sin't it (god, that sounded trite)
I wish there was some sort of magic wand we could wave to fix up the people who deserve, and banish from memory the ones that don't. I think they were onto something in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" don't you?
Please try not to feel too lonely, there are obviously people in your life who care very much about you, and what happens.
Take care.
x
Call me x
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