A bit of an update to my life

Whenever I'm away from a computer, I can think of loads of things to write in my blog. But put me in front of a computer- as I am all day- and I can't think of a single thing. Having said that, nothing I can think of is particularly insightful or interesting, and most of the time, I'm incapable of thinking of anything at all. I spend a lot of time and effort trying to distract myself by doing other things, such as copious drinking, reading, aimlessly surfing the internet, etc. None of these are really working. I'm not sleeping very much because I find it hard to fall asleep, and once I am asleep, I despise the dreams I'm having. And then waking up is horrific- I am jolted awake after four hours, and although I can sense something is wrong, I can't quite place what it is. Then I realise, and I feel at once empty and full of sadness/anger. I can't believe this has happened- or more accurately, I don't want to believe this has happened. I miss N more now than when he was in Singapore, because then at least he was going to come back. And now? Well, now, I just feel like a mug. I keep crying.

I can't stop thinking about it all, no matter what I do to take my mind off things. Work is a real struggle, because putting on this facade is difficult and tiring. I can manage it around people that I know (although I found an even easier way of dealing with things is to not tell anybody, avoiding all the questions like "but I thought he really loved you?" - yeah, well so did I) but I am finding talking to people on the phone really difficult. Especially at the moment, as so many people calling up are being horrifically rude, clearly as some sort of cosmic joke. I dread picking up the phone because people shout and call me names and stuff. I can understand that they're upset or aggrieved about something - or else, why would they be calling? - but why pick on me? It's really not helping. I'm so unhappy here for other reasons too.

One thing that is useful is that I know that I start my masters in a few months. If I didn't have that, I don't know what I would do. I was talking to R (who is finally back from her holiday and is being so lovely) and we agreed that it will be good for two (main) reasons: 1) academic development, hopefully leading to a better job, and 2) personal development. Then again, I'm apprehensive about attaching too much importance to my masters/the next year, as I'm worried about investing too much hope in it, because I can't face another dream being destroyed.

I just think it was a really awful thing to do to someone.

As this is meant to be an update of my life, I guess I should mention what I've been up to. Obviously there was the Deloitte ball, which I already mentioned, last Friday. On Saturday I went to the Rise Festival in Finsbury Park, which wasn't all that great (it was crowded, I felt awkward/unnecessary/pitied, etc). I was going to go to some random birthday thing but I started crying on the bus back from Elephant so I went home instead, hung out with #1, got very drunk, cried for about six hours solidly. On Sunday we decided to clean the kitchen, so we stuck Radio 3 on and cleaned everything- surfaces, walls, skirting boards, floor. We got through a fair bit of Jif, that's for sure. All the time I was cleaning, I was thinking that N was probably doing the same thing right at that moment (I was right). By about midday, the kitchen looked amazing, and I pottered about for a bit before going out to Dulwich to meet P. P is a girl I was at uni with, who I hadn't seen in ages. I'd forgotten just how lovely she is, and how much we have in common. I really enjoyed seeing her again, and we're going to see Pirates of the Caribbean next week (I think it sounds like an awesome film and I can't wait!). I walked home from Dulwich- it's quite pleasant, and I like walking, even though I didn't have my mp3 player (normally a necessity). In the evening I went up to Harlesden, where we drank wine and pimms and made hummous and talked and made plans. S and D are so sweet and I love them a lot.

Every day that passes, I get angrier, more regretful and more morose, because this is not how things were meant to be.