When I got back yesterday I drank a bottle of vodka and cried for hours even when I was so drunk I couldn't see. I passed out on the bathroom floor and then I was really sick. #1 put me to bed and stayed with me all night. I woke up at 05:30 and for a minute, I forgot. But then my head started to hurt a lot and I remembered, and I felt like I was kicked in the ribs. I sat on my balcony and smoked fistfuls of cigarettes. I'm smoking Marlboro Mediums as it seems apt to begin and end with the Mediums. I deliberated whether to call my mum at 6am but didn't. My feet are bleeding but I don't remember why, and I don't care, they don't hurt at all in comparison to this.
I'm at work and I keep crying. I want to go home. But I can't make it all that way, I can't do anything. And if I went home, I don't know what I would do. Maybe it's better to be busy. This hurts. This really really fucking hurts.
And I don't understand, I just don't understand how or why this has happened. Maybe I'm a bad person and I deserved it? But I don't think so. I was such a good girlfriend. It's just not enough. If I could make myself disappear, I would, because I can't talk or think or eat or read or listen to music or anything at all without it killing me inside. This is so fucked up. I hurt so much. I just want it to be some big mistake or to go back in time, but it's not going to be like that and it's never going to be okay. I'm fucked, I'm done, it's all over. This is horrible.
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2 comments:
Oh no! I'm guessing something has happened with N? I'm sorry if that's it, well, sorry whatever has happened that has obviously caused you so much hurt and upset.
I can't believe its something you have done though, so go easy on the self loathing eh? Be miserable by all means, but don't start beating yourself up. It's a cliche, but hang on in there? And for what its worth, you probably are better of at work, rather than being home alone.
Take care, Lamb.
xx
Love you x
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