This is properly shit

This has been such a horrid day. But fucking hell, I am glad I live with #1. I was abandoned by like everyone in the world so I bought more vodka and I planned to get so wasted I would be able to sleep. However, #1 was home and we hung out and talked a lot and drank and even scrubbed the kitchen floor for a bit. I kept stopping because I kept crying, but it's so good to be around someone who doesn't mind that suddenly you've gone silent, and that you're just going to cry for a while. And it's so nice, it's honestly so nice, to be around someone who loves you and isn't going to change their mind (I don't think). Which is why I'm so lame and if she moves out, I will follow her and fuck everything else. Though I know, deep down, that sooner or later, she'll be like "oh actually, would you mind, can you just fuck off?" and I will have lost AGAIN.

She apologised for telling #2 about stuff, and was genuinely concerned I'd be annoyed, when there's no way I would. I'm glad she did. I can barely bring myself to speak to anyone- as witnessed today in Lesson In Social Awkwardness Part Million at the Rise Festival. I don't know what to say to anyone. "Hi, I'm completely screwed?" It wouldn't go down well. So I stay silent, and if I could disappear I would. I thought maybe it would be cool to go out but it was the worst idea in the world because everyone fucking knows and now I see, now I fucking see, that no one wanted to talk to me anyway and now why on earth would they? I wouldn't care but for the fact that everything is fucked and everytime I look at him I'm at once happy that he's still in my life and then stabbed with the pain of knowing that, no, surprise!- it's fucked. I am tempted to turn my phone off for a while but I can't because of the job hunt and the fact that the agency will call me. I didn't do anything wrong. But then that's what I'm saying a lot at the moment: I never did anything wrong. Apart from be the wrong person and be so fucking stupid and delusional that I could kid myself it wasn't like that. I'm such a fucking twat and I want everything to be... I don't know, just being nothing would be a start.

And then I made the big mistake of looking at my photo album, and it's like now I can see a million more layers to every situation. I put my music on "shuffle" and every song is like a knife twisting inside me. I can't stop crying and my insides hurt and why did no one tell me it would be like this?