Pandatime

Oi vey, it's been such a long time since I've updated this, and quite a lot has happened. Last week I had a bit of weird episode. It had been a while, and I had seen it coming really. But it was awful. For a time I had suspected that my grip on reality was not as good as it could have been, and I knew I was definitely mixing up my dreams with real life. But on thursday I woke up really upset (for a long protracted reason I can't go into) and by 10am I was in tears as B had shouted at me and called me immature and pathetic (though this turned out to be a joke). Going to the graveyard at lunchtime probably didn't help my mood. In the evening we had a work night out - a pub quiz, only I had to be the quizmaster. I think it really took whatever I had left in me because after that there was only so much conversation I could do before I went to the loo, looked in the mirror and thought "my god, I hate you"... I said goodbye to people and cried all the way to the station, where I then cried all the way home on the train and then cried walking back to my house. When I got home it all seemed to cave in on me and I don't really remember exactly what happened (except of course, I do remember - it's just I don't like to, so I don't). But then I lay in bed feeling very very scared, and very sad, and very alone. Eventually I fell asleep listening to my mp3 player.

On Friday I tried to pretend I was okay but I felt so sick with nerves about what J would say. In the end, J was the most lovely in the world about it. I feel so safe and happy in his arms. In fact, I would say that I am only about 75% of a person without him (though I will try not to think like this, as it is another 3 days until I see him - and also I sound like a bit of psycho). It took me a while to get used to having J in my life and I didn't really know how to be, but now I feel like I can't function without him. I just wish I wasn't such a mess, and so could be more fun/interesting/whatever I'm meant to be. And then J wouldn't need to worry about me so much.

The weekend was good. On saturday J got his new car and we drove out to my parents and spent the day with them. My dad was predictably odd and did his normal thing of pretending not to know the names of his kids. My mum gave me a flat screen monitor for my computer, which is awesome! I didn't realise how dreadful my old one was until now. I wanted to throw the old one out of the window but apparently it wasn't a very sensible idea.

On sunday we went to a mathmetal gig, but there wasn't quite enough calculus for my liking. One of the old guyts at the blues jam asked loads of questions about silent movies and we didn't have the heart to tell him that they're slightly before our time... On the way home I started to feel really sick and I am a bit worried that my insides are falling out because there is something seriously wrong with my guts. Oh well.

As soon as my hip is fixed I am going to rejoin the gym as J tells me I have "winter warmth" and then said something that sounded like "wibble wobble" but I wasn't listening by this point. The gym would be a good idea methinks.

The baby panda in Vienna zoo is called Fu Long!! I am so excited about going to see him, it's going to be really amazing. And Vienna will be great too - my first holiday in over 2 years (and first ever with J). February is too far away, I want to go now! I must try and refrain from jumping into the panda enclosure (like has happened at Beijing zoo twice in a year) to give the pandas a hug...