You know it's been a good night out when you find pictures like this on your phone in the morning:

Festivities WOOOO!

Last night I went to the CRE christmas party. I think I was invited as I was the most likely to make a complete tit of myself. And I didn't disappoint. Oh my god I am such a loser. I had to do the walk of shame this morning. I also keep remembering odd snippets of the evening - such as when I tried to DJ, when I did some really comedic dancing, when I decided to lie down on a yoga mat in the corporate office, when I told someone that my name was Shitting Bear and generally OH DEAR. My one consolation is that I no longer work there so I don't have to do a repeat of last year when I traipsed in still in my dress to the sound of jeers from my erstwhile colleagues, who then started that persistent rumour about the threesome which DIDN'T HAPPEN. Anyway. Someone told me something about the guy I was seeing back then but I can't remember what it was other than that he had sex with someone who I think was my friend. I could be imagining this. He had "an underdeveloped torso", according to R, so yeah I win. Errr yeah I got quite shit faced cos it was free wine and I called someone a psycho without realising they were standing behind me. I also stole someones hat. I do that quite a lot. Hmm. So yes lots of wine and a stolen crate of beer and smoking in peoples offices and KISSING and drugs and today my face really hurts.

I am like sooooooooooooo not going to the library today.

Can I go and pet the alpacas?

I'M BACK!!! Did you miss me? Since getting home I have danced around my room to the Lightning Seeds. Man, I love the Lightning Seeds. G called me up asking if he could come round and I said NAH cos I'm going to a PARTY and then when I hung up I thought oh BOO I should have said yes as I could do with a hug. He is currently refusing to get me a christmas present though we have come to a compromise where if I give him 15p he will buy a mini bottle of gin and steal me the first-class in-flight magazine. Oh SPOIL me why don't you.

The countryside was cool. Well, it was cold. I played my violin and ate a lot of cake. I was a bit stupid. Today I played the piano and I think I would like to play the piano a lot more but a) I don't have one and b) I am really lazy.

I think I'm going to have to radically rethink the whole what-do-I-pack-for-Hong-Kong idea as for ONE WEEKEND I filled a whole suitcase. I think I won't take any shoes. Plan.

chota-cock

In the morning I am off to the country... woohoo! So far I have packed a pair of shoes, my phone charger, a textbook, a woolly hat, painkillers, some kimchi and some green tea. I suspect that this is not quite enough.

My migraine seems to have gone, thank god. I kept blacking out and feeling feverish. My mum reckons it's cheese and dark chocolate, but I had ONE SQUARE of greens and blacks on Monday, and I don't really eat much cheese anymore. I still don't feel quite right - my muscles ache and I'm extremely tired. And I keep having nosebleeds. This is annoying.

In class today our teacher taught us useful phrases for bribery. He is seriously the coolest teacher ever. My friend said that she would fancy him if he was younger, more attractive and less Chinese. He wears slippers in class and is a little bit offensive, but really funny. Then I went to the common room where I fell asleep while reading. Actually it was the same book I was reading the other day when I fell asleep. I woke up half an hour later and P was sitting opposite me. He'd been there for 15 minutes. I asked if I'd been snoring, and he said no, but I'd been dribbling (I hadn't - I checked). Still, how nice is he for not waking me up? Most of my other friends would have done something mean to me, like I dunno, wake me up or jump on me or draw on me. We talked about christmas for a while and then went to get pizza and I realised I am going to miss him so much over the holidays.

I'm getting quite obsessed with True Romance. I know many of the lines off by heart now and I've downloaded some of the music. I remember when I first watched it, in the Wood Green house, with fuckface (my evil ex). We'd been up all night, and one of our housemates had the video, so we watched it. It's such a captivating film. I hope one day I can find a love like this, though obviously it would be preferable if I didn't have to become a call-girl first.

I found out something quite interesting about myself the other day which explains a lot.

Christmas preparations so far are up shit creek with total presents bought numbering ONE and number of trees decorated ZERO and feelings of festivity ZERO. Just as well I'm an atheist.

I should probably go and do something productive now like cut my toenails or go to bed. Live the dream eh.

migraine and related misery

I have a migraine, and it hurts to move my head. This is annoying as I was meant to go into uni and study, and then go to the gym, and return library books and all that jazz. Instead I am quite feverish and the only thing to eat is dry cereal as I can't face going to the shop. I also can't smoke as I have run out of rizlas.

Thus my life seems to consist of being horrible to my ex on msn, waiting for the others to get home so they can make me some tea, and listening to BBC worldservice in an attempt to learn some Chinese without opening my books.

Oh yeah and PANIC PANIC PANIC oh no can you believe what I thought hadn't happened has in fact just happened and oh christ this isn't making sense but yeah oh crap. I'm going to try and not panic a bit but part of me is thinking, ah you idiot, you brought it on yourself.

My hands won't stop shaking. Should I be worried? (or words dissimilar to that effect)

In the pub on Sunday, who should walk in but #1's ex boyfriend... with the girl he dumped #1 for. It was kind of awkward, although this new bint didn't know anything. Oh yeah, and she's a DOG. His loss.

Today I was loitering outside school (which omg reminds me - today I saw a man wearing just a mac, with no trousers, walking down the street) ANYWAY yes I was loitering outside school and who should come over but a guy I was at sixth form with. I was tempted to ask him if I was still the last girl he'd kissed (he's gay, and told me that kissing me had been a horrible experience) but I decided against it.

At the gym I managed to shave a whole second off my 2000m rowing. I was so very nearly sick. Then I took my feet out of the foot holding thing (christ, I'm verging on illiteracy these days - what happened to my vocabulary?) and they were covered in blood. I had to clean the machine. Moral of the story = wear socks.

My brother ate 2 pizzas. I was impressed. Fucking hell, if this reads like drivel you should hear me in person.

xi huan xi huan xi huan

Sometimes I go for days without my hip hurting too much. These last few days, it's barely hurt at all, apart from if I've been standing for a long time and when I'm in bed. But this morning it's really painful - it feels like something is trapped, or there is something out of place. I wonder whether it is rheumatic after all (instead of the cartilage), as it seems odd that it would sometimes hurt and sometimes not. Hmm. It's annoying. I've been trying to strengthen all my other muscles to compensate but my shoulder is quite double jointed and doesn't quite go in right, so I spend of time shrugging just one shoulder, which no doubt looks really weird. I probably look like that guy in Sainsbury's who's always twitching and shouting obscenities at old ladies. Though he has his willy out, so maybe not.

Yesterday I went to see Viv Youell's gig. She was really good, and not as nervous as she has been, which is nice. I kept pulling faces at her to make her smile.

In class yesterday I picked a fight about Taiwan. I reckon a Chinese invasion of Taiwan would be equally, if not more, "legal" than the American invasion of Iraq. This didn't go down well. I also took the opportunity to express my views on Pakistan. I think I said: "It's got it's grubby fingers in a hell of a lot of pies, the cheating bastards". I must learn not to personalise politics - or at least, politics outside the personal sphere.

On Sunday we were in the pub and my trousers fell down. I thought I must have lost weight but it turns out the string I was using to hold them up (yeah I know...) had broken. LOL.

Remould it nearer to the hearts desire.

The other day I got my shoe stuck in the escalator at Oxford Circus tube station:


I'd say my sock had a lucky escape there. And my toes, for that matter.

On Thursday I went to the London Bridge Vaults for C's birthday. The vaults is like a cathedral-stroke-catacomb. It's awesome. I saw a play there a few months ago but I still found it hard to get my bearings. It's also very dark in there. It was brilliant to see everyone, as much as I could see, at least. R and C took the piss out of me for ages and I promised to cook them a meal to make up for it. This somehow got turned into me making them Chinese food. Eek. As the night went on, C threw up, I somehow agreed to go rock climbing, we ate lots of crisps, and I got offered a job in Hong Kong (or potentially anyway). I got quite pissed and wandered about with C's brother and then started feeling a bit dodgy so I left.

On the way home I made a couple of mean phonecalls and then on the bus, I befriended some guys from Liverpool and we sang songs and I shouted "whey aye man!" at other people on the bus, and the Scousers invited me to a party, but I said no. When I got home I made a complete tit of myself on the phone and cried for ages and was generally an ARSEHOLE. I tried to sleep but my guts were having none of it, and I had to spend most of the night on the bathroom floor.

At 08.18, the next morning I woke up and amazingly was out of the house by 8.32 as I had to go to work. Christ. Instead of taking a packed lunch I grabbed a tin of soup. I threw on the clothes I'd been wearing on Tuesday as I knew they were semi-smart and not covered in alcohol or similar. I ran to the train station. The train was cancelled. I started talking to a woman. I then passed out. SHAME ON ME. It was kind of hilarious and kind of humiliating. The woman gave me a satsuma. Hahaha.

I had quite a hilarious conversation with my ex the other day:

Me: (general random abuse)
Him: ...
Me: (odd twinge of self-awareness) Am I a bitch?
Him: Yes.
Me: I think I should be nicer to you. Why are you so nice to me when I'm only ever mean to you?
Him: I like you.
Me: Fuck off.
Him: Stop being so paranoid.
Me: I'm not. Arsehole.

One day we'll get married and have children. Actually, we've already discussed this but only because we want to have a protracted custody battle with the sort of mud-slinging you normally find in a Paul McCartney divorce.

I bought some new speakers today and it's truly awesome. I'm not going out ever again. Though this could also be down to the fact that I am a disgrace. And I think I am being ignored. But seriously, have you any idea how great it is to play Basement Jaxx really loud in your room?? I've got a cup of tea, I have a HUGE bag of Japanese rice crackers - staying in is the new going out.

If I could only harness that generator, we could have a lot of fun...

You'll be pleased to hear that I am a bit more cheerful. I was doing my own head in, so what I must have been like to other people, god only knows. I apologised to him for being so miserable. He said it was okay and he liked my company and if he didn't like my company he wouldn't spend so much time with me. I was very touched. So touched, indeed, that I got on my train and burst into tears because I think he must think I'm okay.

What a load of snivelling bullshit. I need to grow a backbone.

Today I went to the doctor:

Doc: Hmm, it sounds to me like you have depression.
Me: ...
Doc: I'm going to prescribe you anti-depressants.
Me: I'm already on anti-depressants.
Doc: Are you? Ah, I see. Yes. You are. Right. I'll double the dose.
Me: Can I have some valium?
Doc: No.
Me: Okay.

The NHS is your friend. My nose, however, is not my friend. I've been sneezing so much recently that I've started getting nosebleeds and now my nose is bruised. I look like a cokehead.

I got a new phone yesterday and it is seriously so swanky. It has a 3.2 megapixel camera, which we keep calling a 3.2 kilometer camera because we're all techno-spazzes. I haven't quite figured out how to use it properly but that's okay. The only downside is that it's massive. But as they say, it's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean (I taught my German friend how to say that and it sounds really funny).

C got in touch, which was quite a surprise as the last time I saw him was when I walked out of his house having just had sex, announcing "I'm going swimming". In fact I think I was a bit of cunt to him all night, which, seeing as it was his birthday, wasn't that smart a move. I think I said some really awful things. I say "I think" as this was back in the days that I used to drink far too much (ie Summer 2006).

It was noted that all my ex-boyfriends haven't been interested in football. I was asked what they were into instead, and after thinking about it for a while, I realised that while two of them were into drugs, one of them was predominantly into his ex-girlfriend. Needless to say, this does not reflect well on me. I am going to have to start making better dating decisions.

I bought new speakers for my computer but they don't work. This would bother me a whole lot more if it wasn't for the fact that #1 is going away this weekend and I am going to take her room, with its SUPER KING SIZE BED (it deserves capitalisation) and dvd player. 再见 going out, 你好 video shop.

"Who are these 'hot chip' fellows?"

For the last three days I have felt like killing myself.

And I don't mean that in an emo kind of "boo my life is bad" kind of way. I mean that in the kind of, I don't know, there's something wrong with my head kind of way. And there really is. I've almost stopped eating, I am getting back into self-harming... I disgust myself.

On Friday night I went out and I had to try not to cry. Maybe it's being at ULU, maybe it's being around people I feel I have nothing in common with other than the character traits I abore, maybe it's because I miss my old life. I got home and cried for an hour. I feel like a fraud.

I've got to the point where I can't even go out and get away from things. I'm trying to keep busy, but everytime I do anything, I hit a wall. I went up to Camberwell. I got chatted up, I ran away. Like RAN away. I can't take anything as a complement.

I would like to combust in a shower of rainbows.

I am not a nice girl.

I convinced him to come round, though he had no idea how I was feeling. I don't think he knows that he's my last chance, my last hope. I don't think I could ever tell him, so we just talk, and we look at pictures, and eat food. I told him that I thought the best way to live your life is to have no expectations, but he knows me and he knows my expectations are too great.

I leant out of my window for hours and watched the sky.

Today everyone came home and I entertained everyone with stupid behaviour. I cut my hair to amuse myself. I danced about in a towel. I ate some cereal and wanted to emoliate myself. I obsessively organised things. I turned down invitations because I can't face seeing my reflection in other people's eyes.

Ironically, today I stopped in the middle of the road and I thought that maybe, perhaps, possibly, the world is okay.

Saturday

Yesterday I came very close to doing something I wasn't ever meant to do again. But I didn't do it because I'm not that stupid [yet].

I get the overwhelming sense that this is not my life.

"Why don't you just cheer the hell up?"

This week I have been trying not to spaz out so much. So far I haven't cried at school, although I was very close to walking out of class yesterday. Partly because I felt very uncomfortable, and partly because it was the biggest waste of time. Instead I whinged about it for a good 30 minutes, much to the amusement (?) of some and the visible distress of one girl, who is very nice but I think her niceness may be the main stumbling block. It was seriously a pointless lecture though. I have very little inclination to learn how "post-modernist" and "post-structuralist" as used interchangeably as labels. For a while I was staring into space trying to remember what SB had done for her A-Levels, and it was only when I was telling this story much later that I remembered the subject that had previously escaped me - psychology.

On Monday, F let me cut his hair. I was very nervous (as noted by some people, as they could see my hands shaking - thankfully F didn't hear, and my hands often shake anyway, so I'm fairly used to it) but it turned out okay! The grand event took place in the soas bar. F asked the barman if it was okay, and surprisingly, he said yes. I was a little concerned that it might go horribly wrong and it might be one of those situations where you wish you'd never said anything at all, and especially nothing like "oh, I'll cut your hair!"... Halfway through, I started thinking that I must know a bit how doctors feel, cutting patients and stuff, and that I suddenly had a new understanding of the medical profession, and that maybe I oculd have been a doctor after all as all you need is a smattering of knowledge and a healthy dose of bravado... Thankfully I soon came to my senses and realised that cutting F's hair is NOTHING like when M had to do her first operation and cut that mole of that guy's arm, and that I should shut the fuck up.

Part of me wishes I had done a science degree as I think it would be more useful, and I would really appreciate having tangible answers and facts and general coherance. I think I hate academia. I want to be a scientist. Obviously it's far too late for this, though my psychologist said I would have been a very good scientist if it wasn't for the fact that I have a very poor grasp of basic numeracy.

On Friday I finally went to the Korean restaurant everyone had been talking about. It was nice, but even better was the conversation, which I wouldn't have been averse to continuing forever were it not for the fact that the restaurant closed and so we wandered about and went into a building that looked like the embodiment of the Third Reich. I went home and got very drunk with #1 and #5. #5 went to bed and #1 made me upset and I felt like a bad person. I don't really remember all that much about what happened next. I was woken up the next morning by #5 who started laughing at me as I was lying on top of my bed with the light on, my glasses on and a book clutched in my hand. The glasses are now fucked, as the frame is quite twisted. They have also left a bruise on my face. Still, I take it as a sign of my hardcore status that I went from what was clearly a pitiful wreck to sitting in a restaurant within an hour, reading the weekend papers.

I saw the James Bond film again. I thought it was awesome again. Everyone should go and see it. Daniel Craig (or Craig David, as F keeps calling him) is the sex. Truly, THE SEX. The kind of sex where you break furniture. You know what I mean. After we'd watched that, we went into Chinatown for a big meal. And I mean big. I had a proper pot belly afterwards, which I was alternately proud and ashamed of. I saw some squid in a restaurant window and I now have more questions about squid anatomy than is really necessary.

slight misunderstanding

The other day I was saying to my cousin about how I'm not allowed to go out with brown boys anymore. He suggested I find myself "a nice Hindu boy".

I think that he thinks that I'm a racist now.

Last night I went out with coursemates, which was quite nice. Although I must learn to be nicer. As I was going to the loo, someone shouted my name - my friend from school and his girlfriend! It was so cool to see them, and so completely random. It's the guy I bump into in the most random places. We're going to have a reunion of people from Cambridge sometime before Christmas, which will be cool, although I should get my hair cut before then. Man, I am so shallow.

The other day I was on the tube and I saw my ex boyfriend. I contemplated saying hello but then I realised I was in my gym clothes and so I hid behind a large suitcase.

我来了！

Today, omg omg omg, we won the pub quiz. I was shocked. I thought we'd got about 5 right. Clearly, my faith is lacking somewhat. We won a grand total of £40, which, split 10 ways, doesn't add up to a lot, but still. Pretty impressive. Although I think the fact that we were the largest team and we're MASTERS students probably had something to do with it... Lording it over groups of three eighteen year olds is probably the new vogue. Let's make it so. You're born in 1988? I'm better than you. Yeah.

I can't seem to shake this malaise. People keep asking me if I'm okay. Well, actually, I say "people" when I mean "realistically, not that many people but I'll exaggerate if I want to". I was described as "edgy" today. What does that mean? I find it hard to get out of bed, although the sub-zero conditions in the flat don't make it a lot easier. This morning I wandered about the flat and put off making calls by reading last weekend's Guardian magazine (can you see a recurring theme?) and then frantically typing letters to people using one hand as the other was hidden under the blanket. It's freezing in the flat but I refuse to put the heating on, especially after last winter's £400 gas bill. Nah mate. I'll take hypothermia. At least it's FREE. Anyway, the malaise isn't shifting. I feel really bad. I am so apathetic about everything. Meh (indeed).

The maliaise does lift a little when I get my arse out of the flat and I do slightly more constructive things. I went to the gym today, though I started feeling really weird and a bit panicked. Still, I had my super-cool knitted shorts on. I love those shorts. I don't care that they cost far more than you'd think, per square inch of fabric, or that they're handwash only (it's a lie, I put them in the washing machine and they're fine), or that they're ridiculously warm. I am known for these shorts. These shorts are a part of me. I wear my shorts with pride. Although I suspect I would wear them with even more pride if I were to lose weight. But that would involve kicking my addiction to yoghurt covered raisins. And that, my friends, is an impossibility. To some people, I am known for my "middle-class, guardian reader snacks". It's like the tupperware, LSE library 2005. Me + tupperware = yoghurt covered (I think it was) apricots = good times. Of course, me + Red Bull + Pro Plus + dissertation = spaz times. Good god, I think it's been engrained on my memory. I should probably start work on my dissertation NOW to avoid that. Unfortunately, my general brain-fuck-up, aka dyspraxia, means I can't/won't, and thus the inevitable spaz out will ensue.

After the quiz, we wanted to watch the Bond film again, but it was sold out until the 23:00 showing. I would have been happy with that (it's probably warmer in the cinema than at home) but there was all this talk of night bus booooo, so we didn't. Ice cream was mentioned as a possibility, so we went to Sainsbury's and got ice creams. There's something so satisfying about an ice cream, especially out of season. Things out of season are always great - like indoor picnics cos it's raining outside, or hot food in the summer. There's also something equally nice about wandering about London. I think, armed with a travelcard, it would be completely satisfactory to wander about forever, given the correct company of course. I think my current plans for the future are to wander about - first London, then Hong Kong, then China, then who knows where. I'll occasionally take pictures on my phone and I'll drink lots of tea and have plenty of pairs of fingerless gloves. Sometimes I'll make people laugh and they'll take me out for dinner. Other times I'll have a gourmet meal of lemonade and crackers, or whatever else I fancy. Of course, by then I will have overcome my shyness and will be charming, pretty, thin and witty. I shoudl really stop dreaming about a fantasy existence and get on with my real one. In other words, shut up and do your homework.

"You live in... this??"

Today I woke up feeling really crap. I was kind of stuck into position by the blinding pain in my hips and back. So I lay still and hoped it would go away. Someone opened my door but didn't see me under the blanket. After a while the pain went away and I got really cold, so I put on two jumpers and got back in bed. I woke up 3 hours later really sweaty. This is why I missed uni today, for the first time ever.

Last night there were floods of tears, which wasn't very happy. #1 wants to come to Hong Kong with me for six months, which should be cool. We are going to get the tiniest flat (HK is expensive) and have a curtain seperating our sides of the bedroom. I am clearly going to have to learn how to be a bit tidier before then.

The weekend was HILARIOUS and the new James Bond film is freakin' ace. Went to a gig, spoke German and Chinese with an Italian accent, went to the 12 bar, went to the library, ate lots of Chinese food, wandered around for hours, ate gruel, went to the cinema, wandered around more and then sat on my bedroom floor. That was the weekend. On Sunday I sat vacantly in my room and then had a tantrum and decided to throw away all my belongings. I really miss someone, but I can't say anything to that person. But it's like they are the only person making me cheerful at the moment and I want to tell them everything.

I will NEVER learn.

Although my sense of disillusionment right now is SKY HIGH.

yakshemaaaaash

Rules of karaoke:

1) Just don't
2) If you really must, don't wear a skirt that goes see-through when lights shine behind it
3) If you fail on the first two counts, at least ensure no one videos it

On that basis, marks out of ten for last night: 0 (Britney song, check; skirt, check; camera phone violations, check)

Today has been wholely unproductive as I have spent most of the day in my pyjama's listening to Lady Sovereign. I panicked that I had eaten too many carbs but I think it's okay (one bowl of cereal, one piece of toast), but I'll go to the gym anyway. Also going to see a Tibetan film later so I should probably get dressed and stop thinking I can be a grime star. Or, as was suggested last night, Chinese rock stars (I could sing canto-pop, right? yes?).

Last night was well fun though - we came 3rd in the quiz and won a bottle of wine! Awesome. Then we went to ULU where said karaoke took place. Today I am taking it easy (see above), which means cancelling on R, who I think just wanted to come round and have sex with me anyway. No big loss. I am so over sex. Dying alone doesn't seem like such a bad prospect as even if you're in a relationship, you're only ever this far from being off the team. So quit that smugness, couples, you could be like me soon.

Also, being single is far more conducive to walking around in a blanket and not shaving your legs. Let's face facts.

I wish this was a brief description of recent activities but I fear it is yet more drivel

Today I had acupuncture, which was pretty cool. It felt really funny. I had planned to take a picture of it, but when it actually happened, I thought hmmm, maybe no one will want to see a photo of me with pins sticking out of my bum? And also, my leg was spasming and I had to hold it down. I must have looked a right state. I'm already pretty shaky (cue me, circa Sunday night, deciding to do some sewing and being laughed at by #1) but it just tipped me over the edge, I was like a jelly, and I had to concentrate very hard not to let my leg move too much as I had more pins in my feet. It felt awesome though and I can't wait for next week... although sitting down is a bit uncomfortable, as unsurprisingly, it feels like I have been jabbed in the bum with needles.

At the weekend I met up with an old friend and had a lovely night. We went out (in Croydon) and then when we got back home, the good old antidepressant sickness kicked in and I spent the night puking. On Sunday I crawled home and got into bed, emerging a while later to eat some cereal and then go back to bed, and call my mum. I read last weekend's Guardian Weekend magazine. #1 gave us all dinosaur stickers to put on our bedroom doors, although we had to promise to think up suitable noises for them. I chose the Lambeosaurus (I had to, really!) but I don't have a noise yet. Today in the bar I did some dinosaur noises for people and they kinda looked at me funny. I think I mainly just slept on Sunday though, which is pretty much the last time I slept.

Yesterday was Monday, and I dragged myself into uni for an action-packed lecture, and then went to meet A for lunch. It was lovely to see her. She's so cool. Like, maybe a bit intimidatingly cool and so self-assured and confident. I think if she was someone else, I would be too scared of her... But she's A and I've known her since I was 16 or whatever I was. She said I looked like a pixie. What's with this pixie thing? I'm trying to look like I'm a sensible (okay, that's a lie...), intelligent, cool, something person and everyone thinks I look like a fucking LEPRACHAUN. Anyway, went back to uni, puked, went to class, sat silently, was given pity looks (I saw them, you bastard), and then went to see my dad, who made my printer cartridge work. Woo! It was nice to see him too, although we'd only spoken the day before, so we didn't have a lot to talk about.

We read The Crucible today. It was fun. I was a comatose girl who wasn't really in a coma and tried to jump out of the window. I'm still feeling sick and I am living almost entirely off cereal (and yoghurt covered raisins). I should try and eat vegetables, blah blah blah. I have been told that I have no decorum and that I shouldn't speak/act like such a boy. Which is why I a) still find "Mike Hunt" amusing, b) had a loud and animated discussion about penis size outside uni with people I barely know, and c) I am currently sending text messages about having a wank wearing a Michael Jackson tshirt.

Oh yeah, and drama funding is going tits up. Need to get my arse in gear.

cooler than cooler than cool

So I had a nice quiet night in after a long day studying. Which means I fell asleep under my coat in the postgrad common room and then started drinking. After drinking with SB and her sister, and then the others, I went home and #1 and I had 2 bottles of wine each. We thought there was a fire and I ran down the fire exit to warn the people - dressed in only a blanket - but there was no fire. Then I told her the thing I don't tell ANYONE (that's right, you don't know) and she thought I would be sad but I was like, yeah man, I probably fucking deserved it. So she gave me a hug. We both ended up in tears. But it was a nice night anyway.

In other news, I have cognitive dyspraxia and I am back on antidepressants because I just want to die. Kept that kind of hidden eh? On the plus side, it surpresses your appetite. So maybe I'll lose all that weight I put on.

On a more cheery note, I can do really good dinosaur noises. I am soooooo cool.

Lambeth Council

Lambeth Council are cunts. What's the fucking point in saying that students don't have to pay council tax when it's actually a big fat lie? I actually don't feel at all bad I just told them to fuck off. The moron on the end of the phone (and yeah, I've done customer service before, so I know what it's like) was refusing to accept my point, despite agreeing with each of my points individually. What the fuck am I paying my £28.25 per month for? I am genuinely annoyed.

I don't know where the sun beams end and the starlight begins, it's all a mystery...

I can't figure things out. Either I am being a complete bitch, or... Or... I don't know. Things at the Mansions are really weird. As everyone who's spoken to me in the last month knows only too well, I'm not getting on with #5, aka Lego. None of us are. I've not been at home very much because I can't study here, thanks to her taking over the living room (and my inability to study in such close proximity to my bed... mmmm, sleep...), and also because she winds me up. She asks me constant questions and tries so hard to be nice that it clearly doesn't come naturally to her. I think she'd like us to think she's a nice girl, but I just don't, it's too forced. She's clearly insecure - aren't we all? - but she tries to get round this by acting superior to the rest of us. Her job is more important, her degree... In fact, we're merely plebs and there's no point explaining anything to us because we just wouldn't get it. And this is all fine. I just don't come home, and I avoid rooms that she's in. And this is all fine.

And yet... Today she cried because I'm being so horrible to her. Yesterday we snapped at each other and today she did something of monumental stupidity and #1 had the audacity to say it was a bit silly. I can't figure out whether I'm being unreasonable or what. I just don't know, I'm so entangled in this situation and I feel sick when I hear her walk down the corridor because she makes me feel ashamed of myself, in a way. She's 4 years older than me, but I feel I should set the example. And I'm not. #1 asked me if I thought we should ask her to leave, but we can't do that. I need to grow the hell up and get on with things. But part of me - the stubborn part - says why should I, why should I have to adapt to this, this is my house. I think I'm just not a nice person, because a nice person would be more tolerant and let her have the living room and let her ask questions and let her dictate how everything is done. I feel like a failure for letting it get like this.

I really miss S and I don't know how to sort that situation out either.

I feel utterly miserable. I'm trying to keep really busy. I feel sick and I can't sleep. All my joking around is worth shit because I feel worse than I have in ages.