I don't know where the sun beams end and the starlight begins, it's all a mystery...

I can't figure things out. Either I am being a complete bitch, or... Or... I don't know. Things at the Mansions are really weird. As everyone who's spoken to me in the last month knows only too well, I'm not getting on with #5, aka Lego. None of us are. I've not been at home very much because I can't study here, thanks to her taking over the living room (and my inability to study in such close proximity to my bed... mmmm, sleep...), and also because she winds me up. She asks me constant questions and tries so hard to be nice that it clearly doesn't come naturally to her. I think she'd like us to think she's a nice girl, but I just don't, it's too forced. She's clearly insecure - aren't we all? - but she tries to get round this by acting superior to the rest of us. Her job is more important, her degree... In fact, we're merely plebs and there's no point explaining anything to us because we just wouldn't get it. And this is all fine. I just don't come home, and I avoid rooms that she's in. And this is all fine.

And yet... Today she cried because I'm being so horrible to her. Yesterday we snapped at each other and today she did something of monumental stupidity and #1 had the audacity to say it was a bit silly. I can't figure out whether I'm being unreasonable or what. I just don't know, I'm so entangled in this situation and I feel sick when I hear her walk down the corridor because she makes me feel ashamed of myself, in a way. She's 4 years older than me, but I feel I should set the example. And I'm not. #1 asked me if I thought we should ask her to leave, but we can't do that. I need to grow the hell up and get on with things. But part of me - the stubborn part - says why should I, why should I have to adapt to this, this is my house. I think I'm just not a nice person, because a nice person would be more tolerant and let her have the living room and let her ask questions and let her dictate how everything is done. I feel like a failure for letting it get like this.

I really miss S and I don't know how to sort that situation out either.

I feel utterly miserable. I'm trying to keep really busy. I feel sick and I can't sleep. All my joking around is worth shit because I feel worse than I have in ages.