"Who are these 'hot chip' fellows?"

For the last three days I have felt like killing myself.

And I don't mean that in an emo kind of "boo my life is bad" kind of way. I mean that in the kind of, I don't know, there's something wrong with my head kind of way. And there really is. I've almost stopped eating, I am getting back into self-harming... I disgust myself.

On Friday night I went out and I had to try not to cry. Maybe it's being at ULU, maybe it's being around people I feel I have nothing in common with other than the character traits I abore, maybe it's because I miss my old life. I got home and cried for an hour. I feel like a fraud.

I've got to the point where I can't even go out and get away from things. I'm trying to keep busy, but everytime I do anything, I hit a wall. I went up to Camberwell. I got chatted up, I ran away. Like RAN away. I can't take anything as a complement.

I would like to combust in a shower of rainbows.

I am not a nice girl.

I convinced him to come round, though he had no idea how I was feeling. I don't think he knows that he's my last chance, my last hope. I don't think I could ever tell him, so we just talk, and we look at pictures, and eat food. I told him that I thought the best way to live your life is to have no expectations, but he knows me and he knows my expectations are too great.

I leant out of my window for hours and watched the sky.

Today everyone came home and I entertained everyone with stupid behaviour. I cut my hair to amuse myself. I danced about in a towel. I ate some cereal and wanted to emoliate myself. I obsessively organised things. I turned down invitations because I can't face seeing my reflection in other people's eyes.

Ironically, today I stopped in the middle of the road and I thought that maybe, perhaps, possibly, the world is okay.