Hmph.

OMFG I can't believe how rude and selfish #2 is.

Anyway, back to the foray.

Mmmmm books

I don't know what's wrong with me, why my moods change so much. Last night, on the way home, I felt really positive. I have a job, I've handed in all my work on time, I have a (semi) strategy to resolve how crap I am at Chinese, and things are going swimmingly with my friends, even the friendships I thought I'd fucked up through a combination of drunkenness and stupidity. I was looking at London by night from the top deck of a double decker bus, listening to music, and I thought, hey, this isn't too bad.

P seems to have made a reappearance, which is good. I thought his essay had actually swallowed him up. I kept talking complete gibberish to him, as I'd only had 3 hours sleep (essay) and I was happy to see him. Later on I started ranting on about how crap it is to be a girl, what with the fallings out girls have, and the bitchiness that is on the one hand expected, and on the other hand, completely criticised. I wouldn't want to be a guy either, which I think is quite a destructive tension in my life. I tried to explain this to P but I don't think he understood what I was talking about. Sometimes I just want to talk to (or is that "at"?) him for ever, because he's insightful at the same time as actually being far more innocent than I feel. That probably doesn't make much sense. I'm going to try and stop being such a mentalist all the time. I'm sure he's sick of me crying. (I'm sick of me crying)

Yesterday I actually felt warm for the first time in ages. The Bierodrome in Angel has a fire, and leather armchairs. All that was missing was a cat, curled up, and a tumbler of whiskey, and maybe some comfy slippers and a pipe. I suggested marshmallows but M told me I was americanising the experience. But as L said, he's German and he would probably try and stick sausages on the fire. We were talking about how we want to bring up kids in the countryside. Sometimes I feel so old. Youth of today, etc.

A called me earlier (but I was sleeping). He wants to go for coffee. I've decided to go because I'm civil like that, and cos it's on the way into town, where I'm going to the Oxfam Books and Music in Marylebone. Anyway, otherwise I would just stay in my room all day and cry and listen to German electronica. Yeah, cos I'm cool like that. Why do I feel so miserable? Shoot me please.

My essay is a pile of wank.

Oh crap. I have an essay due tomorrow at 4pm. I've written 600 words, but seeing as at 10am today I'd written nothing, and in between then and now I've been to uni and been to a job interview. Oh, and I cut my hair again. I nearly cut my ear. At uni I was told I looked spruce. Heh. I only look in any way smart when I'm standing still. I fell down the stairs and now I have a limp. My hip is really painful, walking up slopes is tricky, which may mean I have to change my route home, to avoid Kings Cross station.

Jeez, why am I writing this? Like it's interesting. Hmm.

Got the job, I start on Wednesday. Yay for employment.

Oh, and it's official. I have a proper crush on the guy I had the sex dreams about. I saw him today and I was all bashful and it was a bit awkward in a nice way. He told me that I suck and that I'm a loser. But he was joking. I hope he was joking. I told my friend that I like him, in a very obscure way, but I think she's in some way psychic cos she knew. I also confessed to googling him. Hahahahah.

I hate my essay.

My winter "look" is getting a bit boring now, thanks

I keep having sex dreams about this guy I go to uni with. He's really cool. Obviously I haven't told him about the sex dreams. He told me something a while ago and I didn't believe it but I googled it and it's true!! I was very excited.

I haven't even started my essay yet. My main problem with it is that I just don't care.

I've started wearing a blanket in the library as the heating is broken. I look really homeless.

In Soviet Russia, flu will catch you!

Oh man, I am so bored. On Thursday I kind of collapsed at school and then had the journey from hell trying to get home, what with London having fallen in on itself in the wind. #1 made me some lemsip and I stayed up to watch the 10 o'clock news, then went to bed with a hot water bottle. Then I slept until about 5pm today, only waking up to take ibuprofen and to try and actually breathe. Flu is nasty.

Today I have been up and about a little. I went to Sainsbury's to buy the Guardian because they had whale stickers - yay. Watched a film. I tried to smoke a cigarette. I pondered the dream I'd had about a boy I probably shouldn't have been dreaming about, but why did I not realise how cute he was before? I also had a dream about the Pope so I guess I shouldn't read too much into my dreams.

You know those boxes of wine you can get? On Saturday night I stayed in and drank one of those by myself (2 litres, yes). I was remarkably productive and installed some stuff on my computer, had a mass cull of all the music I own but despise, and sorted out 3 drawers worth of junk I'd been carrying around. Then I was sick, really really violently sick, though I'm a seasoned drinker so I made it to the bathroom for that one. Result.

On Sunday/Monday the ongoing text drama continued with him saying "it was a joke" and "I like you" and me asking the girls on my course (who are great, by the way) what I should do, and in the end sitting in the SCR slagging off men.

I went to the ballet. Not the racist ballet (the ENB), I saw the Royal Ballet doing La Sylphide. It was awesome (but I suck at writing about ballet, so maybe I'll attempt it when I feel more well). In the interval, I was practising some hanzi and the man sat next to me asked what I was writing, and I told him it was a critical essay about some Tang dynasty poems. He was very impressed. As I would be if there was even a chance in HELL of me being able to write anything more than the juvenile scribblings I'm currently capable of.

On Tuesday I laughed a lot at my ineptitude, then went to my anthropology class where I sat on the floor and gazed adoringly at my new favourite teacher (he's so cool). Then this woman said the most stupid thing and I involuntarily had a sort of head-desk moment. P has since informed me that EVERYONE noticed, even the people who couldn't actually see me. Look, did I say I had social graces? No, so don't FLAY me for it.

G came to visit and he laughed at my poor taste in men (specifically, he informed me that the boy I maintain is truly beautiful is "nothing special"), and we had a lovely time not really doing very much. The others came home from work the next day and announced that we looked very loved up, and I guess we felt like that a bit cos he nearly missed his train cos we were kissing. Only real bad point was when we were play fighting and my hips got stuck. He said that he would still come and visit even if I was a cripple. Cos I'd still be able to have sex. I asked if he'd still see me even if I couldn't have sex, and he said he would. It's all very sweet, though really, it's meaningless.

I have decided I like computers. I think I would like to know more about computers if only so I could pretend I was clever when in fact I have come SOOOOOO close to stapling my ID card in the stupid automatic stapler thing.

A message I recieved this afternoon

In life we must produce and deal with substantial amounts of bullshit. Part of this process invloves lying, being lied to and tolerating or feigning tolerance for people who, in an ideal world, would be strangled at birth. If you know of an alternative to this perspective please let me know. Otherwise perhaps you could at least pretend you like my friends. I mean if I can do it I'm sure you can. Hope you're well.

This is bollocks, right? Firstly, what the fuck, who are you to tell me how I should act? Secondly, don't be a hypocrite and say YOU can do something when clearly you have TOLD ME that you have done the absolute opposite. Thirdly, what is this sanctimonious attitude?? I'm sorry I didn't like your friends - they were boring. That girl looked a fucking state as well and if I had to draw a picture of desperation, it might look like her (good teeth though). I wasn't rude to her. I did talk to your friends, even the one who was wearing 1980s aerobics clothes. I was civil. But that's as much as you're going to get out of me, especially on a Friday night, especially in Shoreditch, especially considering all the things that don't need to be said.

I don't know. You know, I'm SO SORRY I'm a social retard. You know me, you know how I am. You even pointed out that I change from one thing to another so you damn well do know how it is. If you bought anything I said about how happy I am and how I'm "an amazing human being" then more fool you as I only say that because it's a very very old in-joke and for fuck's sake, open your eyes, is this really a happy face? Yeah, I can be a bitch. So can you. So can everyone.

Anyway, I totally disagree with the whole idea of tolerating people. Why not be around people you actually like? I'm not being paid to talk to these people, it's not WORK godammit. Social niceties are a load of bollocks - why not be nice to nice people and mean to mean people? I'm fucking CIVIL to people I don't like. I would do anything for my friends. I'm not a bad person. Don't castigate me for having opinions that you don't like.

Next Friday I think I'll stay in and do my TAX RETURNS.

Bucket seal is not amused....

Honk if you're lonely tonight

- Wake up Potta! I'm going to see a rapist. Should I take the 37 bus?

Awoken from a bad sleep, I give #1 a hug and lock the door behind her. I contemplate eating something and eventually decide to eat a bread roll. Food has lost all appeal. I haven't eaten carbs properly in about a month. I am well aware that this is a problem but there is nothing I can do about it.

Morning television sucks. I don't know, it just seems like life is a series of cheap shots. I go back to bed, and retrieve my copy of Charlotte Gray from where it has got trapped between the bed and the wall, and try and get lost in the book.

The phone rings. I ignore it. Then I remember my resolution to answer my phone a bit more often. It's #1. She couldn't find the rapist. She comes home and we have coffee. She's angry and sad. I want to help but I don't know what to say. She leaves to go back to work and I wander about in my room, aimlessly picking things up and listening to TV on the Radio.

Yesterday I spoke to G and he laughed at me for being such an alcoholic, though it's not really funny. I told him about P. He laughed at me again, cos he thinks I'm being ridiculous about the whole thing. He says I should be more proactive. "'No' is so negative," he told me. "It's far easier to say 'yes'." I didn't tell him about A, I don't know why.

S thinks it sounds like a fairytale but I think it sounds like yet another fuck up on my behalf.

Last night I got out all my old photos and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. Today it's not quite so funny and I'm getting tired of feeling so rundown. I can't go back to bed because I have a test tomorrow. I don't want to do the test because I lose at Chinese, but I console myself with the thought that things will get better.

oh christ

Despite the whole no-drinking-in-january idea, I've now completely fucked it up. On Saturday I was meant to be writing my essay, but after the trip to Asda, I decided to have a glass of wine. A bottle later and I'm watching Top Gun on the sofa.

I finally finished the essay and handed it in yesterday (for what it's worth, it's shite). I planned to return my books and then go home and do things like EAT and SLEEP as I hadn't managed either in a while. But I bumped into F so we went to the bar. We discussed singaporean sex. Then D came along, I chatted to French-A and I was getting a bit hyperactive cos it was lovely to see everyone. Anyway, was feeling a bit pissed and thinking about going home and limiting the inevitable social carnage. Then my friend from secondary school, A, turned up, who I haven't seen in six years. It was so cool, he's amazing, and it was so funny reminiscing about everything. Long story short (my head hurts too much to write at the moment), I got very drunk, hung up on G despite him calling to ask how the essay had been (I am a bitch) said god knows what to P (doooooooooooooooooom), asked M if he wanted to come round for dinner, then went to a pub with A and had a fight with his friend and then went home and continued the drunken drivel about spreadsheets this time, and then me and A had sex.

This is despite me saying to F earlier that I couldn't be bothered to have sex cos it involved taking my clothes off.

I have yet more injuries, and managed to lose both my ring and an earring. Plus I completely spazzed up my dad's birthday and possibly my entire life. But I think it would be okay if I knew what the fuck wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf is going on and can I touch you again please?

A very brief update

As S has demanded an update, this will have to do...

My black eye has faded and I'm left with a scab, which I'm trying hard not to pick, cos I'm charming like that. It's still quite sore. I have a cold and I have snot in my ears according to the doctor.

I am in essay purgatory. It's due on Monday, I've written NOTHING and yesterday I had a complete change of heart and decided that I am a post-structuralist and now I am trying to alter my entire essay plan and I'm kind of wishing I'd read more Western philosophy as the crux of my essay seems to be me slating it in its entirity. Err yes. I've read Chinese anthropologists and philosophers though and I'm slating their Western-ness too. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo SOAS.

So I'm in my room surrounded by papers, listening to Holst. I haven't been sleeping well as I have a cold and can't breathe all that great. We're going to the Asda in Clapham tonight as a break from studying (and cos we only have the car for a little longer and need to stock up on food). I think they're trying to fatten me up cos I've lost so much weight.

I need to go and define footnotes, referencing and bibliography for P. And then try and find the departments essay regulations, like WHERE DO I HAND IT IN and other such related things, which can be summarised by the phrase: WHY IS SOAS SO UNORGANISED? I almost miss Carol Toms (LSE International History bitch of the century).

2007 so far...

Day 1 of 2007

Picture the scene. It's 8 am. I am awoken by a strange noise, which on opening one eye, I see to be my mobile, vibrating on the wooden floor. I ignore G's calls. I try to go back to sleep, but something seems strange. I slowly realise that I am not in my bed. I am on the sofa, with a rug on top of me. I am wearing my pants, some socks (which I clearly put on in the night as I had been wearing tights), and a yellow towel that isn't mine. This seems strange. I get up, as I might as well get a bit warmer, the towel and the rug not quite hitting the spot. I go into my room and find a nightie. I spy an upended glass of water on my bed. I briefly wonder why it's there but decide that these sorts of questions can wait til later. My room is a pig sty. Someone - maybe me, maybe little fairies - has emptied two of the drawers onto the floor. I leave my room before I notice anything else. In the bathroom, I try to take out my contact lenses but I only poke myself in the eye, and in doing so I vaguely recall throwing them on the floor the night before. Speaking of eyes, only one of mine can open. I peer closer into the mirror and see that I have a long red mark across my forehead - some sort of scratch - and a black eye. With blood on it. I go back to the sofa and get the spare duvet, and go back to sleep.

I am as yet uncertain as to how I got the black eye but it's very painful and swollen. I don't appear to have any other injuries, which is unusual as I normally bruise at least one of my limbs on a night out. New years eve was lots of fun with #1, with possibly too much brandy being consumed, plenty of dancing ON A TABLE (oh yes), and ohmigod we called the German a Nazi. I met a very sweet girl who told everyone she was my aunt, then I kissed some random man who I then spent ages ignoring cos I wanted to dance to the Ghostbusters theme tune. My phone informs me that I called P at 2.33 but I have no recollection of this, and he's now not answering my texts.

Day 2 of 2007

Contrary to all my new years resolutions, I have thus far spent the day in bed reading Jane Eyre. I have eaten a Flake and two mini Milky Ways. I have also spent a not inconsiderable amount of time looking at funny pictures of cats. I really need to do some washing.

oh hi i upgraded your RAM

A few days after xmas and I'm still at my parents house. I could get quite used to this. I have been sleeping 14 hours a day, having cups of tea made for me, and eating lots of fancy cheese and lebkuchen. It's quite warm here, I can have 2 hour baths, I have been playing my violin a little bit and they have modern stuff like broadband and phone reception and mains drainage and stuff (this is quite new). Occasionally I do something productive like unload the dishwasher, but mainly I potter around and pluck my eyebrows and paint my toenails, or just sit and look at the xmas tree. I am becoming really knowledgeable about computers and can make computer jokes and everything. I'm such a geek.

On the downside, I have done no work. I've done a bit of Mandarin, but only a little. I haven't even touched the foreign policy books I brought with me, and still haven't thought about my other essay, which may have to be on modernity as it's the only topic I even vaguely remember. I miss my friends. I miss my music and I lie in bed listening to my mp3 player to get to sleep. I miss #1 a lot. I miss P a lot. I miss having a pint in the Commercial. I miss London. It's very quiet here. I wouldn't mind going home so I can change some clothes and go to the doctors and flirt with the barman and eat some proper vegetables, like cabbage. LOL.

I got really nostalgic the other day about how things were when I was 18. Not really in a good way. Things were rubbish. I can't believe G cheated on me. Arseface. And then things with my ex- I was so obsessed with him, in not a very healthy way. But we did have lots of good times, and it's hard at the moment to resist calling him to say hi. If he's in the country. Obviously I wouldn't actually call him, as he's BAD NEWS and if he's in the country, he should have called me first. And what would I say to him anyway?

Enough of that. I got some cool presents, including a tool kit, a plastic dinosaur and glow-in-the-dark fridge magnet letters. I have put some on the radiator in my bedroom. They say ARSE COCK WANK. My mum was not amused but I think it's generally been accepted that I have some sort of tourettes. Today we're going to Milton Keynes to go to Ikea and Marks and Spencers. It's going to be awesome.

Early Xmas

I shouldn't be here still but I slept all day. I have packed some books and can't find any socks.

On Thursday it became apparent that I'd missed going to the library, but it turned out to be a good day as #1 and I went to the pub, where I got the number of the barman. #1 says that he fancies me. I'm not sure, but then I'm a spaz when it comes to this. She kept trying to make me say stuff and concoct excuses to speak to him, but I'm really not very good at this whole thing. I texted him yesterday, he's texted back. We'll see.

Then we came home and I cooked a mushroom risotto, which was DELICIOUS, but then I sliced the top of my finger open grating parmesan. It bled for 2 days. Including on the living room rug.

I'm going to try and update this while I'm at my parents. I seriously can't live without the internet nowadays. There was a problem yesterday and I thought I would go mad through boredom. Hah. I lose.

Brrr. No really. Brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Fuck me it's freezing. I'm wearing two jumpers and two pairs of socks and I'm still really cold. I'm glad I spent all day in bed. Essays - nah. Staying under the duvet watching episodes of a show about some Canadian white trash - yeah, like all the way. It's super-foggy outside too. I seriously doubt I will be going out again until spring or something.

Last night G came round and we went to the pub. #1 came along too and we got far more smashed than I thought we would. I climbed on top of #1 and told her I loved her and we kept exclaiming how much we'd missed each other. She reckons that if one of us had been male, we would be so well suited to each other. How crap would it be if your soulmate (or similar less-cheesy sounding alternative) was the wrong gender to fancy you, or you them? Though it would be about my luck. I seem to have a real thing about unrequited love. Actually, my "love life" (and I think the quotation marks are fitting) is somewhat of a joke. I could write a really good book. When I get dumped for the immortal words "I'm going to marry my cousin", I don't blink as this has become NORMAL. My ex boyfriend was a compulsive liar. And I've just realised that this is applicable to all of my exes. Fuck. Dying alone suddenly doesn't seem like such a bad idea when you think about it.

Anyway, things with G took some amusing turns as he accidentally let slip in the pub that he'd cheated on me. I got really sad cos I suddenly wondered whether he'd loved me at all - though I know he did. Hmm. He won't tell me who it was but I have my suspicions. He also said that despite the fact that I screwed him over (when I met someone I thought was (and still suspect could be) the love of my life), he still thinks I'm trustworthy and that I've never done anything bad to him. This is quite clearly a lie. Then he said that he liked me. Erm then I was sick. No actually. So we left and went home and cooked a pizza and G got really stoned and I had to feed him water cos he couldn't do it himself, and then we fell asleep and hugged all night.

But this is no fairy tale happy ending as he will be shagging someone else by tomorrow. And although we quite clearly love each other in some sort of retarded way, and we spent the day watching tv and hugging and kissing and being stupid, it doesn't actually mean anything as I don't think I really mean anything to him. This makes me a bit sad.

However. And there is always a however. However, G has been giving me dating (or "snaring") advice and his verdict: I am in with a chance. So we'll see, despite the fairly unanimous conclusion that I will never do anything about it, as "it's too late" (G's words) and "I'm a spaz" (my words).

It's been quite a week of revelations as I was informed that NO my brother was not named after the guy who lived across the road from us, he's named after my grandpa. Also, did you know that in the countryside they don't have mains gas? I feel like Town Mouse whenever I go to the countryside.

Christmas preparations still stand at zero.

You know it's been a good night out when you find pictures like this on your phone in the morning:

Festivities WOOOO!

Last night I went to the CRE christmas party. I think I was invited as I was the most likely to make a complete tit of myself. And I didn't disappoint. Oh my god I am such a loser. I had to do the walk of shame this morning. I also keep remembering odd snippets of the evening - such as when I tried to DJ, when I did some really comedic dancing, when I decided to lie down on a yoga mat in the corporate office, when I told someone that my name was Shitting Bear and generally OH DEAR. My one consolation is that I no longer work there so I don't have to do a repeat of last year when I traipsed in still in my dress to the sound of jeers from my erstwhile colleagues, who then started that persistent rumour about the threesome which DIDN'T HAPPEN. Anyway. Someone told me something about the guy I was seeing back then but I can't remember what it was other than that he had sex with someone who I think was my friend. I could be imagining this. He had "an underdeveloped torso", according to R, so yeah I win. Errr yeah I got quite shit faced cos it was free wine and I called someone a psycho without realising they were standing behind me. I also stole someones hat. I do that quite a lot. Hmm. So yes lots of wine and a stolen crate of beer and smoking in peoples offices and KISSING and drugs and today my face really hurts.

I am like sooooooooooooo not going to the library today.

Can I go and pet the alpacas?

I'M BACK!!! Did you miss me? Since getting home I have danced around my room to the Lightning Seeds. Man, I love the Lightning Seeds. G called me up asking if he could come round and I said NAH cos I'm going to a PARTY and then when I hung up I thought oh BOO I should have said yes as I could do with a hug. He is currently refusing to get me a christmas present though we have come to a compromise where if I give him 15p he will buy a mini bottle of gin and steal me the first-class in-flight magazine. Oh SPOIL me why don't you.

The countryside was cool. Well, it was cold. I played my violin and ate a lot of cake. I was a bit stupid. Today I played the piano and I think I would like to play the piano a lot more but a) I don't have one and b) I am really lazy.

I think I'm going to have to radically rethink the whole what-do-I-pack-for-Hong-Kong idea as for ONE WEEKEND I filled a whole suitcase. I think I won't take any shoes. Plan.

chota-cock

In the morning I am off to the country... woohoo! So far I have packed a pair of shoes, my phone charger, a textbook, a woolly hat, painkillers, some kimchi and some green tea. I suspect that this is not quite enough.

My migraine seems to have gone, thank god. I kept blacking out and feeling feverish. My mum reckons it's cheese and dark chocolate, but I had ONE SQUARE of greens and blacks on Monday, and I don't really eat much cheese anymore. I still don't feel quite right - my muscles ache and I'm extremely tired. And I keep having nosebleeds. This is annoying.

In class today our teacher taught us useful phrases for bribery. He is seriously the coolest teacher ever. My friend said that she would fancy him if he was younger, more attractive and less Chinese. He wears slippers in class and is a little bit offensive, but really funny. Then I went to the common room where I fell asleep while reading. Actually it was the same book I was reading the other day when I fell asleep. I woke up half an hour later and P was sitting opposite me. He'd been there for 15 minutes. I asked if I'd been snoring, and he said no, but I'd been dribbling (I hadn't - I checked). Still, how nice is he for not waking me up? Most of my other friends would have done something mean to me, like I dunno, wake me up or jump on me or draw on me. We talked about christmas for a while and then went to get pizza and I realised I am going to miss him so much over the holidays.

I'm getting quite obsessed with True Romance. I know many of the lines off by heart now and I've downloaded some of the music. I remember when I first watched it, in the Wood Green house, with fuckface (my evil ex). We'd been up all night, and one of our housemates had the video, so we watched it. It's such a captivating film. I hope one day I can find a love like this, though obviously it would be preferable if I didn't have to become a call-girl first.

I found out something quite interesting about myself the other day which explains a lot.

Christmas preparations so far are up shit creek with total presents bought numbering ONE and number of trees decorated ZERO and feelings of festivity ZERO. Just as well I'm an atheist.

I should probably go and do something productive now like cut my toenails or go to bed. Live the dream eh.

migraine and related misery

I have a migraine, and it hurts to move my head. This is annoying as I was meant to go into uni and study, and then go to the gym, and return library books and all that jazz. Instead I am quite feverish and the only thing to eat is dry cereal as I can't face going to the shop. I also can't smoke as I have run out of rizlas.

Thus my life seems to consist of being horrible to my ex on msn, waiting for the others to get home so they can make me some tea, and listening to BBC worldservice in an attempt to learn some Chinese without opening my books.

Oh yeah and PANIC PANIC PANIC oh no can you believe what I thought hadn't happened has in fact just happened and oh christ this isn't making sense but yeah oh crap. I'm going to try and not panic a bit but part of me is thinking, ah you idiot, you brought it on yourself.

My hands won't stop shaking. Should I be worried? (or words dissimilar to that effect)

In the pub on Sunday, who should walk in but #1's ex boyfriend... with the girl he dumped #1 for. It was kind of awkward, although this new bint didn't know anything. Oh yeah, and she's a DOG. His loss.

Today I was loitering outside school (which omg reminds me - today I saw a man wearing just a mac, with no trousers, walking down the street) ANYWAY yes I was loitering outside school and who should come over but a guy I was at sixth form with. I was tempted to ask him if I was still the last girl he'd kissed (he's gay, and told me that kissing me had been a horrible experience) but I decided against it.

At the gym I managed to shave a whole second off my 2000m rowing. I was so very nearly sick. Then I took my feet out of the foot holding thing (christ, I'm verging on illiteracy these days - what happened to my vocabulary?) and they were covered in blood. I had to clean the machine. Moral of the story = wear socks.

My brother ate 2 pizzas. I was impressed. Fucking hell, if this reads like drivel you should hear me in person.