My poor liver has taken quite a kicking

Wow, what an incredibly fucked up weekend. I don't really know how I feel about any of it. I'm in a bit of a funny mood right now. Sometimes I feel great. Yesterday I was on the bus, sitting right at the front, and the sun was shining on my face. I hadn't bothered putting my contact lenses in and I had my hat pulled down almost over my eyes (I figured it didn't really make much difference, I'm so blind without my contacts). I'd caught a glimpse of myself reflected off a bus, and I looked like a bit of a thug, to be honest, which I thought was pretty cool. Mainly because I never normally look like a thug, I generally look like quite a respectable human being. Or do I? Apparently I look like Katherine Hepburn. There's a programme on the Internet where you can match your face to a database of celebrities, and that's who mine came out with. Her and Ava Gardner, which I suppose is pretty cool, as they're both beautiful.

Anyway, to get back to the point. I finally got my mp3 player back in the most roundabout way ever. I'd left it at T's, and then what seems to have happened is he took it to the pub, left it there but somehow told his old boss that it was mine; he then brought it to my office but I wasn't there so he gave it to the press office. T hasn't been returning my calls or texts, perhaps because I wouldn't kiss him? I don't know. Part of my new policy is that I don't stress so much about people who don't call (I'm sure everyone reading this is sick of me banging on about that!). I only have a little bit of obsessing to do today, but more of that later.

The funny thing is, my weird mood has passed. Clearly writing a blog is therapeutic!

I trekked over to the Legend's house (hereafter known as the Caves, for reasons I can't be bothered to go into, though be assured that it's stroke of genius on my behalf). It took me ages as I have no money and had to make sure I took bendy buses the whole way. I didn't like those bendy buses when they were first introduced, but now I think they're fucking excellent as you don't have to pay. I am the ultimate skank. I had to walk part of the way- and the mp3 player had run out battery. I ask you. T steals it (ish), leaves it in a pub, and runs out the batteries! It started snowing, which was quite pretty. Bloody cold though, especially as I can't wear my big coat until I get it dry cleaned. At the Caves the boys were watching 'Peep Show' and drinking some abysmal wine. S (new year boy) wasn't there, so it was just me, Legend and Wolf. We set off for the union, hoping to get in for cheap (which we managed to miss, thanks to getting lost and walking down a dead end- thanks Wolf!!). We got ourselves some beers and a seat. The boys were discussing an exhibition they'd been to at the Imperial War Museum, 'Women at War'. I thought that it sounded perfect, as it combines their two favourite things. They told me I was completely wrong.

"That's not war! They were knitting socks and turning yellow in munitions factories. They weren't shooting anyone or killing people. What a con."

I sighed and blamed only myself for consensually going for a night out with a pair of misogynists.

"And anyway," one of them continued (it really doesn't matter which one, in this aspect they are indistinguishable), "the worst thing about the Second World War was that women thought they deserved rights after that. If the Germans had won, then fair enough, we might have all been a bit subjugated, but at least women would still be officially inferior."

"What about me?" I asked, rising to the bait, as always. "Are you saying that I'm inferior to you fat bastards because I'm female?"

"Well, yeah," they said, "but you don't really count. You're not really a girlie girl, are you? You're more like a man. You're like us."

As I was contemplating whether that was the worst compliment I had ever received, Wolf piped up with the following choice comment.

"You're like us. With great tits," he said, trying to peer down my top. "I've always thought, I'd love to make a latex model of your tits, and put it on my bedroom wall at face level."

The mental image of Wolf wanking with his face buried in a latex model of my breasts is just too appalling.

I spotted D, a guy I've slept with a couple of times working behind the bar, but I was too chicken to say anything to him. Just like on Thursday. No doubt he thinks I am the biggest loser. After a little while I decided to stop being such a weirdo and say hello to him. He seemed pleased to see me. I think I'm starting to fancy him. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. He is a really nice guy, very funny, clever etc. But I don't want to fancy anyone. Particularly not someone who I'm almost 100 % sure doesn't fancy me. We had a little chat. He asked me why I hadn't replied to his text message, and I asked him why he hadn't sent one. Apparently he had replied to me, but I never received it. We arranged that from now on we would call each other. I don't know how things stand. I tried calling him earlier to say hello and apologise for being a hideous drunk (more details of that below) but it went to voicemail. I have ruined any chance of it being okay anyway...

This is what I did: I kissed his housemate. Who is also his best friend. Who is seeing someone.

What a real idiot. We were chatting- I've known him for years. We were trying to think up ways of cheering up some of our friends, who'd just been dumped. He asked me to come with him, and we went out of the pub, just inside the entrance of the building.

"I need to say something to you," he said. "I've kind of told this girl that I like her, and we're seeing each other. But I'm so tempted to kiss you. And if I do, I'll feel bad that I've lead you both on."

Me being me, I'd had quite a lot to drink, and I said something along the lines of, "Look, I know you don't fancy me. If you don't mind cheating on your girlfriend then do what you like. I'm not going to feel bad, or lied to or anything. It's not my problem."

"So if I kiss you, you won't hate me?"

"We're always friends, no matter what."

So we kissed.

Afterwards, he asked if I was okay.

I said, "I'm cool. I'm not sorry, if that's what you mean, and I won't say I am."

"Hang on a second..." he said. "Who's that man standing behind you, glaring at me?"

I turned round. Sure enough, there was Wolf, looking like a surly bouncer.

"Oh, that's my friend," I said, in one of the lamest explanations ever.

"Your boyfriend?"

"Hell no!" I protested.

"So why does he look like a jealous husband then?"

I appeased Wolf by going for a wander with him. He had a huge go at me, telling me I should have more self-respect. I tried telling him that I knew this guy and he wasn't just some stranger, but he wouldn't believe me. Wolf hates every man I've ever been out with, as a matter of principle. He says that I've been out with a bunch of weirdos. When I was with my ex he asked me when I would start liking 'real men'. I don't think he minded G, although he was perpetually confused as to why I would find such skinny man attractive. Wolf then started lecturing me about sleeping with people too easily, and said that that was why these men had no respect for me. I have pointed out to him many a time that he has slept with just as many people as me (it's not a huge number, by any means), but he said it's not the same for girls. He went on at me for so long that I was eventually nearly in tears and he had to buy me a drink.

Girl S had said that she would come along, but she didn't. I tried calling her but her phone is quite temperamental (or that's the excuse she uses anyway). However, another girl I kind of know came along, and Wolf started hitting on her. She didn't seem very pleased. In fact, when he said, "Can I put my arm around you?" she replied with, "I'm going to go for a walk." Legend had already decided that she was a Vanessa Feltz look-alike, which I thought was a bit mean.

Legend and his girlfriend W had a row (like every time they go drinking) and went home, leaving me alone with Wolf. We decided to drink some shots and I was talked into drinking Aftershock. Aftershock is possibly my least favourite drink in the whole world, and is almost guaranteed to make me vomit. Sure enough, I was sick. We then went around stealing other people's drinks, which was probably not the most mature thing to do. Still, we didn't get caught, so nae problem.

By this point, I was half blind. I found myself face to face with my old manager. We used to get on really really well, but then we went out one time and he's not spoken to me since (I thought we were just going out to the pub as a group, but he'd obviously thought that it was just going to be me and him, so he wasn't best pleased to see my ex (who wasn't at that point my ex) with me. Especially as my ex was in the worst mood ever). I tried to have a bit of a chat but he was quite cold towards me and told me he hadn't forgiven me for that night. I decided to give up, and had a chat to his friend, who was decidedly friendlier.

Wolf and I decided to leave. I said goodbye to D (might as well try and salvage what I can). On the way out, we saw loads of people we were in halls with, so we had a little chat with them. About a hundred metres from the pub there was a fight going on. I noticed that there was a guy lying on the floor, passed out, with blood pouring from his head. As I tend to do when I'm drunk, I waded right in there. His mates were trying to drag him to his feet, so I made them put him down. Then I got them to give me their jackets (he was very cold, and only wearing a t-shirt) and call an ambulance, while I put him in the recovery position. They were all milling about, so I got them to give him a bit of space and talk to him, to try and get him to wake up. Sometimes I think that I should be a doctor. I don't actually mind blood or anything. Obviously I wouldn't want to poke around with people's internal organs, but blood is okay. Maybe I should just be a paramedic? It would solve my current work related issues.

We finally got back to the Caves, woke up boy S with our drunken shouting, and ate some noodles. Legend had gone to W's, so Wolf went to sleep in his room, and I slept on the sofa.

In the morning, I was woken up by S brewing some coffee, which was very much appreciated. I felt a little bit awkward as I was just in my underwear (I hadn't been pissed enough to forget that I hate sleeping in my clothes), but then I thought that that was a bit silly as we'd both seen each other naked. It was nice to hang out with S for a bit. We were both horrifically hung over, so we drank lots of coffee and smoked lots of cigarettes. Then I read Legend's copy of 'Arena' (which mentioned my company!!) and S satisfied his craving for Solitaire on the computer. He told me that sometimes he even dreams of Solitaire. I reckon that's a real sign of addiction.

I tried to wake Wolf up but he looked like death so I let him sleep a bit more. I didn't want to spend too much time near him as he absolutely stinks when he's asleep. He finally got up, and Legend returned from W's. The boys spent an hour or two looking at porn on the Internet until I kicked up a fuss and demanded that we go out. We wandered down to Soho, and went to the pub for a pub lunch. Legend announced that he felt happier than he had in a long time.

Wolf told the following joke:

A nose goes into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says, "I'm not serving you! You're off your face!!"

Walking back from Soho, we popped into another pub near where we used to live. I asked the boys what they wanted to do with their lives.

Wolf declared, "All I want in life is a bird, a car, an alright house, and the chance to go fishing as much as I like."

I pointed out that I meant career wise.

"A business, blatantly," he said. "Something not too challenging. I don't want to work in the public sector or anything though. You know, I don't actually care about people. I love my friends and my family, but the average man on the street... I don't give a toss about him."

He went on to try and justify why he liked war so much. "Basically, you go to someone else's country and you plunder and pillage all their natural resources. If you want to have a car and electricity and stuff, you have to have oil and gas, and sometimes to get that, you've got to kill some people. At least I'm honest! I want a car! Let's bomb Iran!"

We went back to the Caves and drank some beer, while partaking in some of our favourite pastimes- slagging off exes and watching 'Peep Show'. In the evening we went to have a curry on Drummond Street. There's a great restaurant called Zamzama. Wolf and Legend have been there about fifty times between them, and I've been once, but S hadn't been before. All the boys had vast quantities of meat, and I had to keep reminding Wolf not to use the same spoon for his meat and for the rice we were sharing. The food was a lot better than the last time I had been.

The last time we went to Zamzama, we had a big discussion about the afterlife. Wolf thinks that we are all really miserable as we think that you just die. He likes to think that there is something afterwards, as he says that if this is all there is, then he's pissed off. The same argument started up again. In the end, andy said that when we all died, he would come and find us to say "Ha!! Told you so!" When asked about what he thought heaven would look like, he said that he thought it would be like Fabric but with a carp lake in the middle of the dance floor.

The conversation moved on to science.

"I don't think science is really all that great," said Legend, who plans to become a doctor. "If it was, then surely they would have invented a device that fits up your arse with a pencil sharpener and a bottle opener."

"Yeah!" added Wolf. "And maybe a strobe light so if you're in a club, you can show your appreciation."

Legend started warming to the subject. "It could have different settings. You could make it so that you could do spaghetti shit. And you could have a setting that made it into a vagina, so if I was really desperate, I would be able to shag Wolf."

After the meal, we went to meet Legend's friends from back home. They were incredibly boring. We had a big debate about racism. Wolf kept saying the most stupid stuff to me:

"If discrimination is illegal, how come you're allowed to do positive discrimination?"

"You're not."

"Yes you are."

"No you're not. Discrimination is illegal."

"Then why are you allowed to do positive discrimination?"

"You're not."

And so on. Eventually we got so bored that we went back to the Caves.

Sunday was generally quite a boring day. I watched the OC, called my mum (who asked whether she could have the address of my blog!), cooked some food, read the papers, tidied my room. Legend and I were going to check out the Chinese New Year celebrations in town but by the time I got home (and watched the OC- got to get your priorities right!), I couldn't really be bothered, and he had lots of work to do anyway. I did make a stir fry though, as a concession to the seasonal festivities. Xin nian hao anyway to you all.

Not long til pay day now. And not a moment too soon, really!!