My current emotional state

I'd like to take this moment to express how I feel. It's either that or start crying in the smoking room again, and no girl should suffer that indignity twice (okay, if I'm being honest, four times) in one day.

I hate our HR department. I hate the fact that I have just spent the last four months doing work that no one gives a shit about. I hate that I was gullible and naive enough to think that if I did a good job, then that would be recognised and I would be praised, or maybe even paid the amount I deserve. I hate that my manager has taken until this point to tell me that actually, the company couldn't care less about you and so you can't have a pay rise. Even though I've been doing this work, and I know I've done a good job of it.

I'm so angry. I don't know why I went to university for three years and got myself in so much debt for nothing. Literally nothing. My friend told me that to get ahead in this organisation, it helps if you don't have any natural intelligence or ability to think independently. I wish I didn't have either. Everyone has always told me that it's so good to be clever and that the way I think is really unique/innovative/brave/whatever. But I wish so much that it wasn't because look where I am. I wish I was stupid and happy to settle for anything, and that I didn't have any thoughts of my own.

I'm going to cry again.

The thing is, if I leave here, I'm so worried I won't be able to make any new friends. I'm not very good at making friends. What I am good at is isolating people around me and generally coming across like a complete moron. I don't want to have to go to another office and meet new people, and have them all look at me and think "who the fuck are you?"

Whose great idea was it for me to have high expectations? Why on earth did I decide that going to the LSE would do anything for a) my self-esteem, or b) my future career prospects. And then people wonder why I'm a pessimist. Simple answer: if you're a pessimist, you can't get disappointed. Which begs the question, what on earth made me think that not being a pessimist would be a good idea? Why did I ever listen to anyone who ever said anything positive about me?