ramble ramble fucking ramble

I just bumped into K in the corridor and she took one look at me and knew something is wrong, and we’re going to go and hide in her office later on.

I am so very grateful for everyone I know.

Last night was a catastrophe. I got to ballet and immediately wished I wasn’t there. I don’t really know why. I just knew that I would be rubbish. While I was getting changed I overheard some of the people who are in the class before mine having a conversation. Here it is:

Woman 1: Wasn’t it marvellous earlier, with the sun out?
Woman 2: Oh yes, it was splendid. I went for a run at lunchtime. You know, I just find myself so much more invigorated when the sun is out.
Woman 1: Oh I quite agree. I do find myself getting rather miserable when it’s grey every day.
Woman 2: Of course, now the sun is out, it really makes you start thinking about where to go in the summer.
Woman 1: Yes, well, that is quite a dilemma. Have you any idea where you’d like to go yet?
Woman 2: I was thinking the Caribbean…
Woman 1: Mmm, it is lovely there.
Woman 2: What about you?
Woman 1: Oh, I think we’re just going to rent a villa in Tuscany before spending a few weeks on a trek in the Andes.
Woman 2: Oh how super. I did one of those once. It was fabulous!

I felt like shouting at them. How come some people can swan around in the Caribbean and rent Tuscan villas, while I stare in horror at the prices of the Eurostar? I’m going to France twice in the next few months but it looks like I’ll have to bloody swim.

Anyhow, I went into the class and muddled through, trying to avoid looking in the mirror as I have decided that I need to go on a diet. I managed to fuck up most of the exercises so I mainly hid at the back of the class. One of the people in the class told me that she felt like she couldn’t do anything, so I said, “don’t be daft”. She looked at me for a couple of seconds and gave me a hug. Three different people asked me if I was okay and told me that I looked very sad, which was a bit disheartening as I was making a big effort to be happy and smiley. Clearly I am no good at hiding these things in real life.

On the way home, S texted to ask if I wanted her to come round. By this point I was crying a bit on the bus, so I decided it wouldn’t be the best idea, as all I wanted to do was have a cup of tea and a cigarette out of my window. However, when I got home, there was a whole host of drama… basically, the washer on one of the taps had gone, but #3 had just left it all day, and had left the boiler on (so the tap had been running hot water all day), and then wondered why the radiators weren’t working. Only #1 was there and we took the panels off the bath to see if there was a separate stopcock for the bath (the normal one didn’t seem to have any effect on the bath). There wasn’t, so other than switching the boiler off, there was nothing we could do as it was after 10pm. I asked her where #2 was, as it’s not like her to go out, but she didn’t know.

We went to sit in the kitchen and drank some wine, and wondered how we had managed to end up living with the most inept people on the planet. I mean, surely it’s common sense to think about switching the boiler off if the hot tap won’t switch off… no? We heard the front door shut, and the bad situation got worse:

#1: Hey, we’re in the kitchen- can you come in here a sec, as we need to have a chat?
#2: I’m thinking of going to bed.
#1: Yes, but we need to have a chat.
#2: (stroppily) Alright, alright.
(comes into the kitchen)
#1: So basically the washer on the bath is broken, and the tap is stuck on, so we’ve switched the boiler off so that we’re not pouring hot water away and costing ourselves loads of money.
#2: I thought we’d have to do that.
Me: What?
#2: Yeah, #3 called me and told me about it.
#1: Did she say why she hadn’t switched the boiler off?
#2: No. So when is the man coming?
Me: What man?
#2: She said there was a man coming to fix it.
#1: Er, well she didn’t call us to tell us about it. Did you not think to let us know?
#2: No.
#1: Okay… well, in the morning we’ll switch the boiler on again so we can have showers…
#2: Oh I won’t need a shower in the morning. I just went to my brothers house and had a bath there.
#1: Right.
#2: Okay, good night!

Now is it just me, or is she a selfish little madam? I am getting sick of the way she treats everyone. Like the internet thing- she won’t sort it out, and keeps putting the (shared) modem in her bedroom. Plus she is a bigoted homophobe. And a Christian. It’s not that I don’t like religious people, or Christians specifically. I do dislike being told that science is wrong (“how can you prove we’re descended from apes?”) and that the Bible is right. OBVIOUSLY there is far more proof for creationism than evolution. I mean, like, duh… She is boycotting EastEnders at the moment because- oh my days- some girls kissed! To her, not watching EastEnders is a big fucking deal as she doesn’t do anything else other than watch tv in the living room (meaning no one else can watch tv in there, unless they fancy watching mindless drivel too). You’re not allowed to make noise in the flat after 10pm- which means I can’t use my own living room after 10- because she goes to bed early and wakes up early. But she has no problem with making a godawful (and I use that word deliberately) racket every morning, with no consideration for the fact that some of us DON’T have to get up that early.

Am I being childish? I don’t know. But I’m finding her intensely irritating. I don’t like selfish people, especially if I have to live with them. I would go out of my way to help other people, and while I know not everyone is like that, I don’t understand how civil human beings can live their lives in the polar opposite way. And still have their conscience intact. I would do anything for the people I care about, and it irritates me that some people would shit on their grandmother’s head rather than help someone.

For fuck’s sake.

On the plus side of all of this, the drama and ensuing pissed-off-ness that this has caused has prevented me from thinking too much about anything else, which, in my present state, is a very good thing. My head is still buried firmly in the sand, and I hope to emerge sometime around 2050.