Monkey see monkey do

As I was leaving work, I got a message from someone questioning why I write my blog, and pointing out that anyone reading it will think I’m at best, quite flakey, and at worst, a complete fuck up, and that I’d better hope to hell that no one I fancy ever reads it. Apparently it’s not what I do, it’s that I write it all for the world to read.

My initial reaction was “fuck off”.

Then I thought, “Blimey, life must be so much more complicated if you have some semblance of dignity!”

Then I thought, “hmmm, hang on a sec…. Complete strangers thinking I’m a weirdo does not bode well.”

The more I thought about it, the clearer it seemed that I do actually take a perverse pleasure out of putting myself in this sort of situation. The only explanation I could think of was that I was quite an angry person. To be honest, anyone could have told me that. I was walking to Elephant wearing a hoodie, for god’s sake, listening to some angry music and thinking about kicking things (the ankle situation means I can’t actually do anything about it- though I did accidentally kick G in the head when I was fixing my lampshade!!). Because I was in such a foul mood, I managed to convince myself that I had anger management issues, when in reality, I’d say I’m a pretty normal person. I reasoned that “fuck off” was not the normal response to every situation, and I shouldn’t be so defensive. Added to that, I have really fucked up my ankle from kicking a door, which is probably not a good sign. I also managed to convince myself that I didn’t have any friends and that no one liked me.

However, later on I completely changed my mind. I spoke to some of my friends about it and they said that I wasn’t an angry person, and that they loved me. My housemate pointed out that being annoyed at someone for what they’ve said doesn’t mean that you have anger problems. ‘Anger issues’ are when you start shouting at random strangers in the street. Fair point.

I nearly cried in ballet last night. Having been to physio that morning, and with a bandage round my ankle, I thought that I would be fine. Within about three seconds, I realised that I wasn’t. I was wearing some really skanky old shoes (they’re horrifically dirty, with holes, and the elastics are almost falling off… serves me right for doing such a rush job of it, with black thread, at that!) so my bandaged foot would fit in the shoe. Actually, I prefer those shoes as they have a full sole and so work my metatarsals more than my split sole shoes (though not as much as the hard shoes, obviously). I’m never buying split soled shoes again. Yes, they make the arch of your foot look nice (essential for my flat feet!) but your foot gets really lazy. Anyway, mine don’t fit very nicely and sometimes it feels like I have a plastic bag on my foot, rather than a shoe.

Back to what I was saying. Warming up, I did some echappées, which wasn’t very clever as I then got a shooting pain through my ankle. Even barre work was painful, tendues were a killer and pliés. In the centre, I tried to do pirouettes, but my ankle gave way and I fell off my relevé (I’m sure this makes no sense to non-dancers!!). As I landed I heard a loud CRUNCH going through my ankle, and I had to hobble off to the side. What’s more worrying is that as well as having pain in my anterior ligament, I now have it in other parts of my ankle. I’m not really all that hot on anatomy, but it feels more like a skeletal pain than a muscular one, on the top of my foot- though not on the inside, it’s more on the outer half. Anyway, it’s bloody painful and I can’t do my theraband exercises. I’ve been trying to walk lots but I think the whole thing will seize up soon and I will be a proper cripple.

I said that I nearly cried in class- not just because it fucking hurt, but because I was so miserable that I won’t be able to dance properly for ages. This has been going on for so long. I wouldn’t mind not being able to walk (I am, after all, quite a lazy person!) but if I can’t dance, I will go mad. That’s nuts, as it’s not like I’m very good. I’m just crazy about it!! I’m going to have to start taking much more care of my ankle if I ever want to get back to dancing properly, instead of hobbling around the studio.

I don’t know how I’m finding the time to write this blog today. There’s only me in the office at the moment and I’m rushing around like a Tasmanian devil, answering four different phones, using two computers and writing snippets of this blog whenever I get a second. Thank god I can type fast! I’m also talking to myself, but I do that even when there are other people in the office, though I try and do it a bit more quietly.

I think I have given up on the idea of going to watch the rugby tomorrow. I don’t really like rugby all that much. I think I might try and do something cultural tomorrow during the day, like go to an art gallery or something. Having said that, I’m going to the theatre in the evening, so I shouldn’t expose myself to too much culture- my head might explode!