And then...

When we woke up, all tangled up in that lovely way naked bodies tend to be first thing in the morning, I lay awake for a little while, thinking about how strange it was, to be in bed with such a good friend, but then thinking how nice it was at the same time. I had such a rush of hormones running straight through my body. I was glad I was lying down or my knees would have gone weak. I forced myself out of bed, and put on my snoopy shorts (I'd been wearing them under my jeans as there's a huge hole on my bum, as well as rips in the knees) and one of his tshirts and went to the bathroom. My mouth felt like something had died in there. I though about the amount of bacteria in cum, and figured that it probably explained the dead-animal-in-mouth sensation. I was fucking glad they had Listerine. After swilling my mouth out repeatedly, I went back to bed.

Having ignored my alarm, I dozed for a little longer. I was woken by the other guy getting up and leaving, and I lay awake listening to him go. It became obvious that my friend was doing the same, and as the door shut, we fell onto each other like animals. Then, of course, the other guy came into the room again, and we tried to pretend nothing was happening- kind of difficult when it is clear that there are two naked people in a bed, clearly up to no good. After that interruption, we carried on... the feeling inside me was incredible, like I was alive far more than I ever had been. I wasn't worried about what would happen later, or worried about anything at all. All I wanted was him, and all he wanted was me.

He said, "It's so random, that this is happening with us."

I replied, "It's not random at all, it's inevitable."

He asked why. I responded with a question: "How long have you wanted to do this for?"

He said four years. The same as me. He agreed, "I suppose it was always going to happen, as we've both wanted it so long. There's been so much tension between us."

Then I realised that the feeling coursing through my veins was the pent up tension and sexual frustration that has been a part of our friendship for so long being released. I didn't care if it didn't last, I didn't care that this is not what friends are meant to do.

After we collapsed into a heap, and I lay my head on his chest, I felt so calm. I felt him looking at me, he kept kissing the top of my head. He looked.... he looked....

I wasn't surprised when he said, "I can't do this." I smiled and told him that I'd always known that he would say that. As I said it, I knew it was true. He told me, "I can't mess up our friendship. I want you, but you're you". He's known me so long. "I just can't do this."

I kissed him on the forehead. We held each other for a while, and he stroked the back of my neck as I scratched his back for him. After a while, I got up and got dressed, as he made breakfast. We kissed again, and then I left- out into the cold, up the hill to Kentish Town. As I walked I smiled. There's nothing like inevitability to make you happy, and to make you appreciate everything old and new. Even the icy puddles looked beautiful this morning. I savoured the feeling of being whole.