Countdown: T minus 3 days

Dissertation is due at the end of the week.
Dissertation is in no way ready.

My mind is gone a little bit. I can't string words together any more and I feel like crying quite a lot. Quite randomly too. Like walking up the road, having conversations with people. The other day I started thinking really depressive thoughts and got in a bit of a state about it, but five minutes later I was fine. Up and down. Work is stressful. I wish SS was back, I spoke to him today and realised that I miss him a lot (even if he's mean to me when he's there!). I don't feel ready to hand in my dissertation or to finish this part of my life. I don't want everyone to leave London. Next week I start work five days a week, and then that will be my life. I think I would quite like to run away from my life. Thoughts like this are making me miserable.

I'm okay though.

The other things making me miserable is my hip. My operation is scheduled for the 28th September, although the hospital keep trying to move it forward. Sometimes I think the pain is all in my head, and that a 23 year old with no real history of accidents (affecting the hip anyway) shouldn't have hip pain. And on days when it doesn't really hurt, I wonder if I've made it all up. The last few days have been really painful though, and I know something is wrong. I don't know, I seem to court drama but when it happens then I'm unhappy.

In other, less miserable, news, I can type pretty fast now but it is lazy typing as I use autocorrect to put all the capitalisation in. And it is making my wrists quite sore (yeah haha no wanking).

I'm really looking forward to this weekend, and being rid of the dissertation. I have reached the point where I just don't care about it anymore, I just want it to be finished. We're all going out on friday, and J is coming to London, which I'm looking forward to immensely. Days really drag without him. Apparently we are "like cheese and pizza, like chalk and a chalkboard", which is a really nice description from someone I wasn't expecting.

At www.zoovienna.at you can hear the sound of a baby panda squeaking! It's amazing!!

Boooo

Dissertation is due in 9 days. I have only written 4000 words so far.

And now I am ill. I have swollen glands and a sore throat and I am feeling very sorry for myself. I want to curl up under my duvet and watch dvd's until I feel better but instead I am staring at blank word documents and feeling miserable about the fact that my dissertation is rubbish.

When I am not doing my dissertation I am quite miserable as well, as now everyone is leaving and it's really sad. On friday night I cried and poor J looked after me. He's so lovely. I really didn't want him to see me being all emotional and rubbish, but he was so nice to me. But I guess it's only going to get worse because soon everyone will go and it will just be me - and by then, I will only have one leg. Boo.

Work is quite stressful too at the moment. I cut my arm carrying cardboard boxes and got cramp in my hands from holding down Ctrl + V. I really am feeling sorry for myself, I do apologise.

On a good note, in the last two days I have received TWO parcels in the post! Yesterday's didn't get delivered and is waiting for me at the sorting office (it's the dvd's and cd I ordered), but todays is lovely lovely (the book I left at J's at the weekend).

Also, look at what we managed to do to a tyre!! Breaking down on the motorway is surprisingly more fun than it used to be as a kid.

"It's only when I'm nervous but I'm nervous more and more of the time"

What have I done since I last wrote? Well, written 2000 words on my dissertation, for a start :) Wooo. Maybe sometime before the olympics (2008? 2012?) it will be finished.

J came back from the Reading festival on Monday and we went to see the Mules. They were awesome, and I have now bought their album. It was lovely to see J, I get more and more excited about seeing him. This last 2 months has gone quickly, but also has seemed like forever in a really good way - like I can't imagine being without him.

On Tuesday it was M's birthday and we all got very drunk, and F and B did stripped, much to the shock of the (very traditional, very muslim, usbekistani) security guard, who honestly looked like he'd just walked in on an orgy and said he was going to call the state department. I hadn't seen uni people in ages and my god, everything changes! There's so much gossip. All a bit weird. I would write it all down but I'd have to write in code. And I can't be bothered right now as it's quite late.

Yesterday I met up with my aunt and we had a good old chat over some wine. She's so cool. My family is so strange. Particularly xxxx and what she did to the others about the xxxx. But actually, not as weird as when xxxx tried to get xxxx committed to the mental hospital so he could steal her house. Or any number of other things actually. My aunt is cool though, she is just like my mum in looks and manner, and is really lovely. I wish I saw her more, but she lives in Navan.

Today I went to the hospital where yet again they'd fucked up my appointment, but I managed to still see a registrar (rather than my consultant) and was told the following: my condition is quite rare, they don't know what caused it, the surgery is quite new, they don't know what they're going to do until they've put cameras inside my hip socket, they don't know how long I'll be off work, and that they might give me some steroids (not as good as ether but hey...). Still, I have talked them out of making me stay 2 nights in hospital. And I had an MRSA test, which consists of them sticking a really fluffy cotton bud up your nose.

#1 and I went shopping and I bought lots of black clothes. And driving gloves. Shexy.

Things I have done today that isn't writing my dissertation

- Slept in
- Been really excited about the new panda at Vienna zoo
- Looked up flights to Vienna
- Try to work out euro exchange rate and decide it's probably quite cheap anyway, bah maths
- Cleaned the flat
- Hung up all my clothes that were lying on the floor
- Hoovered up my USB cable
- Fished USB cable out of hoover
- Eaten 3 pots of chocolate mousse
- Felt a bit sick
- Fried polenta
- Swept the balcony
- Pretended to know about music so I could forge a timewasting conversation
- Written a long email to F about how much I hate hatred
- Internet stalked everyone I know
- Obsessively checked my phone
- Checked my email a lot
- Sniff permanent markers
- Taken off my 2 month old nail varnish
- Bleached my feet (this was unintentional)
- Wished I hadn't cut my finger with the breadknife the other day when I was making a cheese and pickle sandwich the other morning, cos I was daydreaming about J cos y'know, once we made cheese and pickle sandwiches together
- Read a week old newspaper
- Looked at pictures of pandas on the internet
- Picked at an ingrown hair on my knee
- Wondered if I should cut my hair, decided should wash it first, wash face and then get bored
- Listened to Borodin and Khachaturian (a lot)
- Not watched Edward Scissorhands
- Tied a ribbon around my head

On the plus side, I have done a plan for my dissertation and it is 2088 words long. Surely I can just flesh it out?

The other day I made #1 a CD and then I laughed hysterically at what a funny girl I am, as it included the William Tell overture. Later on she tried to seranade me with some Johnny Cash but I was on the phone so I didn't hear her.

#5 is in a french police station, apparently - her van got broken into, and her ipod is gone (along with probably loads of camping and climbing stuff). I may or may not be a very bad person, as I did think that this would mean she probably won't be buying me booze and fags, as requested, but it wasn't my first thought, so surely that gives me kudos?

Hopscotch and Handbags

I just wanted to share possibly the funniest article I've ever read:

http://books.guardian.co.uk/extracts/story/0,,2151155,00.html

I LOL'd, in the truest sense of the word.

Other things that have made me laugh include the following email I got from a friend:

You should be grateful that your mother is so thoughtful in her gifts. An ipod breaks just after the guarantee runs out but the memory of walking around a former death camp will be there to demoralise and depress you until you hear the (only marginally more harrowing) sound of your own death rattle. You'd better practice your Auschwitz face though because they punish you for not looking thoughtful and sad enough.

S also sent me an email. I was at work and trying not to laugh out loud, but it kind of escaped out of my nose, and the general manager said "bless you".

I took a hammer to it all

I always think of things to write on this when I am nowhere near a computer, and then when I'm on one, I can't think of a thing. Like my dissertation really. Though less likely to make me fail my Masters.

Today I woke up and I think I have groin strain, or a pulled muscle in my leg or something. Annoyingly, it's my good leg, so I am hobbling like a hobbit, or some other hobbling thing. I went to the doctors earlier (unrelated) and to get a blood sample, the doctor tied a rubber glove around my arm as well as the normal strap. DIY NHS.

I'm at uni today, doing some work on the dissertation. What fun. I need to get a large amount done (preferably 5000 words) by the end of this weekend. We shall see.

Last night was book group, and we were meant to be discussing "Atonement", only I hadn't finished it, nor had many others, so we didn't talk about the book much. We went to S&M, in Islington, which very tasty. Sometimes sausages and mash are just what you need, though being a dirty veggie, I'm limited to quorn sausages or various vegetable things. Mash is lush as well, proper easy food. I've recently been craving macaroni cheese, so I guess that explains my current love for surprisingly bland food (odd, considering how much chilli sauce I get through). The only real downside of last night was that I was in a really weird mood. When I am in that mood I shouldn't be out, I should be at home where I won't inflict my mood on others. I couldn't speak to anyone, and was quite consumed with self-loathing. Nice to see that my mental state is as fucked as ever I suppose. I am quite sick of it to be honest, this constant feeling of sadness and misery and all this kind of stuff. Plus, I know that I take it out on J, and sometimes I am so moody with him. I feel really bad, as he is always so lovely to me. I worry that one day he will get bored of me. He says he won't, and I do believe him... but I am a pain in the arse, so it is still a possibility (a horrible possibility). He makes me very happy, but it's annoying that we live so far away from each other :( I'm sure it doesn't help, with me feeling miserable already. One day...

Last weekend was cool though. J came to London on thursday until saturday, and then we went to Cambridge on saturday night to go to a party. The party was funny, mainly thanks to a man called Roderick, who was eventually thrown out for putting a cigarette out on someones knee. At one point he picked up the (not ringing, or even plugged in) house phone and started having a conversation with his invisible friend, before trying to pass it to me. When we got home, I threw up and so most of sunday was spent in bed feeling miserable and watching Black Books and cuddling. Went to the blues jam in the evening and saw a boy who looked like Harry Potter play a version of Gangsta's Paradise.

I could write this all day (quite a bit has happened really, I suppose) but I really need to do some work instead of spending all day on facebook and listening to the same two Silver Jews songs again and again and again...

I can hear cats that no one else can see

I am listening to a lot of Serge Gainsbourg. It's brilliant.

I will write something of more interest some other time.

I'm glad someone has powers of perception cos my spatial awareness is wack.

B - You really are miserable. I thought I was bad.

Me - I'm just up and down all the time and tired of it all. Tired from it all.

B - You need engross yourself in one mood and indulge it for a few days, and then do the other.

Me - I can't. I'm tired. I just want to be still and stable and normal. Then I can do my dissertation.

B - Pah, no you won't. And you won't be "normal" anyway. You're endearingly crazy.

Me - Thanks.

B - I'll tell you what's wrong with you. You've met this fella, J, and he lives in Cambridge. And all week you miss him, and you look forward to the weekend. Then the weekend comes and you're really excited and you have an amazing time. So then you look forward to the next weekend and you miss him even more. And you end up pissing the week away because all you can think about is this other person. Am I right?

Me - Erm, yes...

B - I've done it. Twice. It's crap. And it just gets worse. The only thing you can do is move in together. Otherwise it will just get worse and worse.

Me - But I'm here, or in China, and he's there, and we can't do it for ages!

B - Well, it'll be really shit then and you'll be miserable.

Me - Hmm...

B - Of course, two years down the line I've turned back into a selfish cunt, so there you go. Bye Potter!


------------------------------------------------

This is from the same guy who a few hours earlier had threatened to put me in the shredder. He's strangely perceptive sometimes, and I think if it wasn't for the whole war/guns fetish, we would agree on most things. Possibly because we are both quite mental, in the same kind of way.

Ironically I noted all of this down in my notebook on the page that had a big 我 at the top. A better choice would have been 爱. I can't wait for J to come back from camping. I can't sleep at night because I miss him. I even do that really lame girly thing of sleeping with his tshirt. I have never felt quite like this before.

It's the return of..........

101 reasons not to use google.
Well, 1 reason really. Never google your medical records. Gone are the days when you had to crane your neck to catch the odd word on your GP's screen, which would invariably be something like "asthma" or "tonsilitis" anyway - ergo, not that interesting.

No no, the real interest to be had is nowadays when they have to send a copy of all correspondence to your house. And I, of course, google everything I find. I'm just so glad I didn't get this when I was at the psychiatric hospital (google "borderline personality disorder" and tell me why I didn't feel suicidal - on a related but different note, how do I tell my mum about my scars? Christ, I'm so emo and teenage). Anyway, OMG google really is a fountain of knowledge. B tells me not to assume I know anything from just the internet (as he points out, I can't exactly quit work and become a hip surgeon based on my limited knowledge), but still - was I not listening when they said they would have to dislocate my leg by putting big weights on the end and then potentially sawing my bone in half and pinning it back together? Also, that they will use a vacuum cleaner of sorts to suck out random fragments of bone? My body disgusts me.

Also, it appears the only way I can get an appointment with my consultant before my pre-admission is by going to A&E. Is this a good use of my time? I don't think so. Part of me just wants to get run over and then they'd be forced to fix me. As I pointed out to B earlier, I have more chance of being run over and killed than any of the British forces have of being killed in Iraq. Still, the army sounds fucking wack, not least because I'm a flat footed half blind feminist pacifist.

Maybe I'm just grumpy today. It's a week until I see J. I feel really crap in general. Things in the flat are weird again, for reasons that are too complicated to explain. There's a mouse that lives on the balcony. I still haven't done my dissertation. I don't know whether I care any more. When people ask, I talk about my thereoretical frameworkl and that while I agree with Foucault's idea of "docile bodies" and his dismissal of cartesian dualism, I don't know how relevant it is to post-socialist China. This basically means, I have lots of ideas but I'll never have the guts to articulate them.

My firefox is broken. My computer hates me. My life hates me. Yes, I'm pre-menstrual, this might be some (or all?) of the problem. I don't know. For now I am tempted to try and suffocatre myself with a pillow, when in reality I will lie in bed for a while being miserable until I fall asleep and have generally unsatisfactory dreams.

Oh my god I am so fucking emo, I am just glad I have blonde hair or I would be drafted into play in whatever emo bands are called, "my best friend is a razor blade" or whateverer the fuck.

I think it's time for bed, I've got to be CHIRPY and HAPPY and GREAT tomorrow. You know it comes so naturally. I just want to stay in bed and perfect my zenophobic impressions of aussies (one aussie in particular - what can I say, I may have watched neighbours once or twice). Get a fucking grip Potter, it's not the end of the world.

Potter's so way not hotter than anything at all :(

Hospitals

Hospitals ain't much fun. I had an arthogram today, which involved mucho x-rays and injections and another MRI scan. I saw an x-ray of my hip with a needle going into the hip socket, it looked really gross. I started crying in the x-ray theatre because the dye they were putting in really fucking hurt. I did get wheeled about in a bed though, which was quite fun. I really had to fight the urge to shout "run!" and zoom along the corridor. I now see why I wasn't allowed to help push my brother's bed when he had his operation.

I got to wear the oh-so-attractive hospital gown again. Though this time I wasn't allowed to wear underwear. I won't explain how unattractive and highly embaressing this was, for a number of reasons - mainly that they only told me this when I was in the theatre and I had to try and wriggle out of my pants. The theatre has a big glass window. Putting on plastic pants in front of however many people is not that great an experience.

My leg is quite numb. I can feel that the joint is full of something, but it doesn't hurt thanks to the numerous injections of god knows what. Hopefully ether. Can you still get ether? I might request it. A man pushed me on the bus on the way home and then looked quite guilty when I limped off down the road. What a git.

I have a cup of tea now though so I'm happy.

If I wrote as much on my dissertation as I do on here then I wouldn't be so far up shit creek. Oh well.

LOADS has happened since I last wrote anything! Where to start?

On Wednesday I went back to work, and moved to my new desk - how exciting. I am far away from the rest of my team, but it does have some perks as there are more people to make me tea, woohoo! Not that there was much tea drunk on wednesday......... I had training, ostensibly on "accountability", but it turned into the most ridiculous thing. In a nutshell, the woman running it said that you could choose what mood you had - to the extent that if a relative dies, you can be happy. I said that people with depression didn't choose to be depressed and that they would quite like to be happy. She said that it was possible to choose. I tried to tell her that it was a scientific fact that depression was caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. She said that in my reality that may be so, but that I shouldn't be so close minded to other realities. Fucking evil bitch. I got really angry. I could feel myself going bright red. She made some more digs at me. I waited until the break and then I left as fast as I could - apparently I was bright red and I could feel my hands shaking. I didn't go back to training, I don't see why I shoudl have to listen to destructive pseudo-science from the world's most unsympathetic woman. She later came and spoke to me and said that she had realised she'd upset me but that she'd carried on anyway. Like that makes it any better.

We have since googled her and her "philosophy" and there was quite a nice quote along the lines of "it is all unfounded and the general consensus is that it's bollocks". Ha.

It was weird being angry. I don't really get angry very often - a bit mardy yes, but not angry. The last time I was angry was the whole S/D/A scenario. And then I was angry in a different way - enough to sober me up completely at 5am and shout very loudly. Ah, good times. This time was more a I'm-going-to-start-crying-and-not-stop kind of despairing angry. I have since talked about it with B and we have surmised that she is a fucking bitch and should perhaps be killed. I just never want to see her and her slightly rat-like face ever again.

So that was work. Otherwise, work is fine. I have a new position. It's nice to be doing more varied things, and to be trusted with stuff. I feel immensely flattered and (you know me) completely undeserving. I had missed some people, so it was good to go back and catch up with everyone. Except SS of course, only because he reads this.

Yesterday evening was really nice, I was just pottering about (being a potta as I am), making food for the next 3 days and doing washing. Earlier I'd been thinking about how I hadn't seen BG in ages and that I should really call him.... Then my phone rang, and it was BG! Weird coincidence. We argued about the merits of french philosophy over german philosophy (he's all for german - I disagree) and then I said that James Joyce was shite, which is what I say quite often, mainly because it's true. He commented that it was the first conversation we've ever had where I've actually sounded happy. I told him about J, and he said that he could see why I was happy. I went back to doing the washing up and put classic fm on, which immediately began to play Saint Saens Organ Concerto - my favourite piece of music. Good times. Happy Potter.

#1 got in really pissed and I had to put her to bed and stay with her all night. This morning she was really apologetic - she asked if she'd done anything embaressing, and I was tempted to lie and say yes, but I didn't because I'm a nice girl.

Things with J just get better and better. Weekends with him go so quickly, like in a very fast and very happy blur. Last weekend we saw the Simpsons movie and he taught me how to make sushi (though rather shamefully I choked on some wasabi and spat sushi rice everywhere - so classy). I just love spending time with him. Even reading books in bed is amazing. I feel so happy and so lucky to have him, he really is such a good influence on me and he doesn't seem to mind that much that I am a bit weird sometimes. Normally I'm such a cynic about relationships and stuff, but I'm just not at all with him, I trust him completely. I'm so content, he's such a good influence on me. I could think (and write!!) about him all day - if my dissertation was on J, I perhaps wouldn't be quite so fucked on that front.

Also, did anyone else see that story in the papers yesterday about a primary school teacher who read her class the last page of the Harry Potter book on the last day of term? There's been outrage at the school. That's so the kind of teacher I would be.

Also, in other news, I have news, but it's not my news to tell.... But it is very exciting.

I'm off to the library now. I got out of a £250 fine the other day by pretending to be stupid but I don't think it's a feasible long term plan. Really must stop taking out 10 books at a time as I can't read that many. Really must WRITE SOME DISSERTATION. Or at least choose a title.

Fun and frolics by the river

This weekend I have spent a lot of time by the river (when I say weekend, I mean thursday - tuesday). I never realised how river-centric London is. But yes, it is, and yes, I spent a lot of time in close proximity to the old Thames.

Last wednesday was my brother's graduation. It was really nice to see where he's been at uni for the last three years (I am a bad sister and haven't ever visited). I felt really proud of him, he's worked hard and deserves his degree - and the place on his Masters course. He's going to have his own office, how cool is that. I don't even have my own office at my work (though I do have a jemima puddleduck toy and a cactus, so you know, I'm kind of a winner too). The whole family - well, immediate family - was there and we wandered about the campus, went to the CS department drinks, then went out for dinner. It was a really nice day.

On thursday morning C arrived! I hadn't seen him since 1998. He hadn't changed, except he was more grown up (of course!) and it was nicer as we didn't fight like we used to when we were 10 (again, of course). I have known C for all my life, as our families have known each other for 3 generations. He's Parisian and a year older than me, and we used to see each other twice a year - when he would come to stay at ours, and when I would go to France. My parents went to stay with them last summer and we realised how stupid it was that C and I haven't kept in touch. So he came to stay, and it was really cool! I picked him up from Waterloo and we went back to mine and talked the hind legs of several donkeys. In the evening J arrived and we immediately went off to meet #1 at the pub... My god I was so nervous. I am such a nervous wreck sometimes. I think I usually hide it quite well, but I am a lot happier when I don't need to organise stuff (social stuff, not work type stuff - I have no problem with that) and I can just go along with whatever is happening. That sounds really lame, but I just fret too much otherwise. Especially when it's something as potentially scary as J and #1 meeting for the first time!

Anyway, thursday was nice, just went to the Commercial, had dinner and then went back to the Comm. On friday we got up quite late to witness what seemed like a monsoon. I didn't think it would ever stop, but it did, so we went off into town to go to the Tate Modern and to Borough Market. On saturday we went to Soho, Chinatown etc, and then went to see the Transformers movie! It was good, but incredibly cheesy. I didn't really remember all that much about Transformers from when I was a kid, but it's not that hard to get to grips with. Afterwards we drank wine at the Ritzy Bar and J made origami birds out of tiny bits of paper. J is just too lovely. He's made me an origami panda. Sunday was spent first of all having a proper full english breakfast, and then at the Antony Gormley exhibition, then yet more wandering by the river. Antony Gormley was really good actually - I'd heard so many good things about it, and obviously seen the (quite scary) figures all over Waterloo. D had tried to explain the main exhibit (Blind Light) to me, but words can't really do it justice, as it's a bit like being in another world, like how it would be in the afterlife if your life was quite a cliched film. That doesn't do it justice either. Just go and see it. On monday J had to go home, because he hadn't taken a week off work like I had! C and I went to the Design Museum, and then met M for lunch. She's just been to Paris and ate snails, which completely defeated C's argument that french people didn't eat snails and frogs legs all the time. Today we took a boat to Greenwich, and the coolest thing happened - we had stopped at Tower Bridge, and a really old boat pulled out into the middle of the water. Our boat then followed, and as we were in the middle of the river, Tower Bridge opened, and the old boat sailed through - it was amazing! In all the time I've been in London, I've never seen it open, and then to see it from the middle of the river was just so cool. We spent the afternoon in Greenwich, the Docklands and Covent Garden, before C got the eurostar back to Paris, I came home and now I feel quite lonely.

This is a really crap entry. I rubbed onion in my eyes. I got bleach all over my feet accidentally so the skin will probably all fall off again. I miss J. I wish I didn't have to write my dissertation, especially as I have huge library fines AGAIN. Must remember to return books. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and JOY OF JOYS I have training all day, what a welcome.

I'm really really happy actually, despite all of that. J is just so great, he makes me very very happy. Even when I'm sad, if that makes sense.

I really need to go and wash my eyes. I don't want conjunctivitis AGAIN.

Good news!

I have good news, but I'm keeping quiet for now.

Oh come on, you'd hate it if I was anything other than my normal evasive self.

Suffolk

What an amazing weekend. Really, it was the greatest weekend. I left work at 6 and went to Cambridge where the lovely J met me at the station and we drove to Suffolk. Even the drive was fun as I was J let me indicate. We were staying in a house right by the coast, about five minutes drive up a track and through a forest from the nearest village. The house itself is about 600 years old and doesn't have electricity. There is a solar panel on the roof to run some things, and there was a generator until it broke. This meant using candles or torches to see, which was pretty cool. We bagged one of the double rooms, directly above the kitchen (a bad move, as it turned out) and went to have a beer. It was probably about this point that the first mosquito bit me, but who can say for sure. Over the weekend I was bitten approximately a million times. I'm not exaggerating. Here is a photo of my legs. Imagine that all over my body. It is itchy like fuck.

On Saturday we went to the beach, which was only a five minute walk across the marshes. It’s a shingle beach but still very nice. The water was freezing, so I only went in up to my knees but J was more brave/hardy/insane and went for a proper swim, barring when he dived into a mudflat. Other things included playing cricket (not me), playing golf (not me), playing Frisbee (not me), being really shit at Frisbee (me) and reading books that everyone took the piss out of (me). In the evening we had a fire. J built it and F hit it with a big stick and watched the sparks. A lot. It was all really fun, the countryside is awesome. J and I looked at stars and a bat flew overhead. When it gets dark it’s really dark, darker than it ever is in Pidley. It would have all been nothing without J though. I feel very happy inside (my outsides are too bitten to be happy) and I really feel so lucky to have him, he’s just so lovely. Even if he admitted that he likes to eat giblets.

This morning I came back to London (no thanks to the fucking trains though) and went to work, where there was considerable amounts of muppetry and probably not enough tea drunk. I was very tired and itchy. At lunchtime I licked my outer shin just to prove that I could.

Actually that reminds me – I have to have an operation on my hip. I am having keyhole surgery. How exciting. #1 is going to look after me, but I am going to try and be a good patient, but I have limited patience so it may go awry. When they told me about the operation (on Thursday) my initial thought was something along the lines of panic panic crap crap but I have since decided that it’s okay. I’ve never had an operation but if my little brother could have his face put back together when he was 4, then I can have this operation.

I miss J already. This evening I have spent a considerable amount of time listening to music that reminds me of him. #1 came in and told me that I am emo. So we sang some Johnny Cash together and it was all good, until I started boring her with more stories again, haha.

I think my computer is broken. If either of my brothers reads this, can they come and fix it please? I think it is the fan. And the screen is fucked, it’s flashing more than the 2012 logo.

Going to Warwick on Wednesday. J is coming to London on Thursday. Good week. Great weekend.

Some observations

1. Carrying a rucksack is strangely satisfying, though it's better if it's empty. Must remember that just because the rucksack carries 25 litres worth of books, I shouldn't necessarily try and carry that many. Is quite heavy.

2. I'm really not squeamish. I had no problems with taping up this guy at work's arm, even though it was quite bloodied and skank.

3. I am perhaps more squeamish than I think, as I nearly threw up at the hospital today when they said I had to have surgery. But only momentarily. Also, I felt a bit guilty because everyone else in the orthopaedic surgery was old and quite crippled, and all the doctors were looking at me like "You fraud, get out! You're traipsing around with cowboy boots on when these poor bastards can hardly walk!"

4. The plastic gloves they give you when you dye your hair are a complete waste of space and it is far easier not to use them.

5. I am overly excited about this weekend. Really, really, overly excited. But in a good way. Hence being awake at 1am ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. Ha, I don't care, I am happy like you don't even believe.

About me: I am spending too much time on F1 forums and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Okay, it's never a good idea to write about work, but today has been a really weird day. I was in a foul mood at work yesterday (something that did not go unnoticed by MB, who thought I looked homicidal) because I'm just not happy there, and also I was bored as everyone was away, and also I was missing J (already- I'm so sad!!). Anyway, I need to think about my career and decide what I'm doing, and I will do that after my dissertation is done. In the meantime, I am just going to make the most of a bad situation and enjoy spending time with some nice people, which there are in the office, thankfully - I am very lucky in that way and should stop complaining.

BUT (and you knew there would be a but) - it turns out that I am evil incarnate and a complete cunt. Or at least that I have caused a rift in the team. I really didn't mean to, I really didn't think I was doing anything that wrong. But now I feel I should have stayed quiet and not voiced my opinions at all. From now on I will be known as Subdued Stinkbat and I won't create any trouble, apart from when I next hurt my toe by getting it stuck under the filing cabinet.

I was going to write something else but it's far too protracted and boring, and perhaps too much of a misery fest even for me (I'm such an emo). Especially as I'm not really unhappy generally, I'd say I'm quite content, just a bit pre-occupied about the dissertation. And by J, of course, but in a completely different (and much nicer) way.

Today I spent a while talking to my brother about gym techniques and I have realised how unfit I am. I should really go back to the gym and stop eating ice cream - at least I didn't take a tub of Ben and Jerry's to the pub with me!!!!!

Booo everyone is crap and bailed on me so I'm not going to see The Mules after all. JY is in Krygyzstan, which is at least a valid excuse, but everyone else is rubbish. Still, they're playing again next week, so I will properly guilt trip everyone into coming this time.

I am drinking beer from the keg. It's a small consolation prize. Booooo.

Oh yeah and BOOOOOOOO I'm not going to the office summer party because it's my little brother's graduation. Aren't I nice? Though surely, (copious alcohol) + (a boat) = a recipe for disaster?? I don't wanna go swimming.

I've got hair like a carpet, apparently

Tempting as it is to write that this weekend was shit, if only to spite J, my weekend was actuallly pretty awesome. No, not pretty awesome. Completely amazing. Me and J are now officially going out. It's on facebook and everything so it must be true!! I am so smitten. On Friday I was really anxious and nearly "did a Kevin" (ie throw up with nerves), and the train ride seemed like the loooooooooooooooooooooongest ever, almost as if we were going via the Shetlands or something, but it was all good. I came back to London this morning and already I miss him.

Work today, however, was a pile of horseshit. On Friday the sales manager gave me a new project to do, and made it sound like it was a reward for being so great at my job. I don't think I have ever been so bored in my life. The office was really quiet, which didn't help. My team was super quiet. I do miss the good old days, with K and mofo. Big drama happened last week, with the quietest member of our team going all out and saying the company was crap and getting angry about being called a liar (too fucking right). There was no drama today at all, except for an employment law training thing we all had to go on. It seems that anything you do or say can be construed as harrassment. Especially most of the stuff that gets said at lunchtime. Or anything RC says any of the time. Particularly that comment about my parents the other day. Still, only another 3 days at work this week, as I've got wednesday off.

I'm meant to be going out to see The Mules tonight but I have now got home and put on my really comfy jeans and eaten a bowl of spinach, rosemary and rice (don't ask, I can't be bothered to go shopping). And there is a KEG of beer in the fridge, oh yes. I am tempted to stay in and drink beer and do sensible things like my laundry and google imaging pictures of pandas. Maybe I will put some socks on and I will feel more in the mood?

Quote of the day comes from MB, who said that she liked the ginger/apricot bit in my hair because: "It looks good next to the rest of my hair, it looks quite natural.... if you had naturally white hair and black roots..."

Quote of the day does NOT come from me, as I said possibly the most inappropriate thing possible on the train home after work. I also said "cunt" repeatedly because I'm a real charmer like that.

I'm going to Suffolk at the weekend. I am so stealing #1's wellies.

Miaow.

mansions drama

Anyone who's been reading this for a while will know about the situation in my flat. I love my flat, it's beautiful and on the whole, I've enjoyed every minute I've lived here, which is nearly two years now. I live with three other girls - #1, #2 and #5. When I first moved in there was #3, but she moved out to go and live with her boyfriend. Then there was #4, but he was a rapist, so he had to go (and I'm not exaggerating). Then #5 moved in, and it's taken time and effort, as we're very dissimilar, but we now get along great. #1 is my best friend, not only in the flat but also in the world. So you could say that I am very lucky to live with two people, #1 and #5, who are just lovely.

But that leaves #2. There was the whole saga last year when she got a boyfriend and started speaking to us all, and then split up with him, and stopped speaking to us. She hasn't spoken to any of us in MONTHS. She didn't even say happy birthday to #1 the other day. She's a very, very selfish person. It used to bother me that she acted as if she didn't like me, but after talking to lots of people, I realised that she didn't like me, but simply because I represent a) many things about herself that she doesn't like, b) many things she is jealous of, and c) just someone she doesn't have anything in common with anyway. I am fine with this - not everyone will like everyone else, and if it was all civil, it would be great.

However. It's not been civil lately. When she went on holiday for a week I was actually very happy, as any conversation we have is forced to the point of absurdity. Tonight we all got together and talked about this and she LIED. Her body posture made it so obvious that she wants nothing to do with us, and yet she said she was happy living with us and liked us all. I caught her out on one lie she'd told (about moving out), yet she still flat out denies lying. I know I probably didn't do it in the best way, and yes, I swore, which I shouldn't have, but I don't understand why this situation has to continue. I'm a reasonably easy going person (ie I keep my freakouts to myself, so I seem easy going!), I'm quite fun... I'm not saying we have to be best friends, but it would be nice to live with someone who doesn't view me with disdain.

This probably seems very trivial to anyone else, but it's my house, and these people are like my family in London. Me, #1 and #5 share everything (to a point that is a little extreme perhaps!!), and they are the people I would turn to first for anything. Is this wrong? That's what you'd do with a family, and that's what they are to me.

I feel a bit better now. I was quite angry and shaken earlier.

I wish it was Friday already. I am looking forward to this weekend SO MUCH you don't believe. Two weeks has seemed so long.