It's a, it's a... something

I'm a bit crap at updating this nowadays. Weird things keep happening and I don't know what to write or whether to tell anyone. Suffice to say, my lovely house is not quite so lovely anymore thanks to the events of the other night. I'm not meant to know about it, which is a bit of a fucking joke, seeing as I live there. I'm sick of being the invisible one, the one no one actually gives a shit about, the one everyone talks to when it suits them and ignores the rest of the time, the one who just doesn't fucking exist. It fucks with my head. I'm always being told that I have very low self esteem. Well, why the fuck do you think that is? Maybe- just maybe- it's because people act like complete cunts. It's not just in my house. At work, there's this underlying current of duplicity, and you know, you just KNOW, that if someone comes up to you and is like "hello darling", then they're about to sell your grandmother on the black market. I hate it. I mean, come on, we're all adults and it wouldn't hurt to be civil, would it not? Clearly some people would rather stick pins in their eyes.

And then- excuse me for what is turning into a rant- there seems to be this idea that I'm stupid. Or that it is in some way acceptable to either a) act like I am, or b) insinuate in some way that this is the case. Great- there goes that final scrap of self esteem!! I'm not fucking stupid. It's got to the point where it's just ridiculous. A woman I work with started glaring at me because she found out I went to a better university than her, and said "oh, I didn't know you were, like, academic!" What the hell is that meant to mean? And other people who've been like, "oh, I'm sure you'll find a job... maybe admin or something" or have just told me- and I bear no grudge against the person who actually did this, as they don't know any better, I'm just including this as an example of a general trend- that there's no way I could do a particular job because I can't do any of the things it involves. I'm sure this sounds petty and trivial. It's not just work-related stuff though, it's on an overall level, often in such a way that if I cited anything, it would seem ridiculous. It's just people acting like they're better than me in so many ways... I'm not saying I'm better than them. Just don't undervalue me if you don't want me to do the same to you.

I don't know why I'm getting so het up about this, or why I'm doing it now. I'm okay, I'm having an alright time, things are alright (barring the obvious situational doom). I went to work, I came home, I did this, I did that. I'm okay. But sometimes you want to be more than okay, you want- and this seems to be a bit of a recurring theme- to feel. You want something more than the utter blandness of daily life. I'm not being challenged (and quite clearly I mean mentally, not physically), I'm just waking up, doing mundane activities until it's time for bed. I really think N should come back. I wasn't like this when he was here. I wasn't so awash with apathy, and apathy of the very worst poisonous type, at that. Having said that, I cried today. I sat at my desk and cried, which was quite lame. And then I nearly cried again after ballet when I basically just broke down and said everything about how I was feeling to my friend. It's stuff I haven't written about here, or told anyone, and I don't know why I told her, but I'm glad I did because I feel lots better. And I'm also hella glad that my feelings have started to return, and that I'm not actually a sociopath- though I guess I couldn't be, because I never stopped caring about other people, I just didn't care about myself.

I'm sure I thought of something witty to write to finish off this entry but I have forgotten it.