Reading 2008

Just got back from Reading and my thoughts are as follows:

1) Friday and Sunday lineup was brilliant (who needs Slipknot or Avenged sevenfold?? When I saw them play at Twickenham I thought they were shit, they sound like Busted with bigger guitars). RATM and Metallica were obviously fantastic. Vampire Weekend, Biffy, Serj Tankian, Hadouken and Feeder all get honourable mentions too. Saturday's lineup was less inspiring, the Killers are fun to sing along to if you're pissed but not overwhelming. Bloc Party I thought were pretty average, but then no surprise. Best thing on saturday was probably We Are Scientists, who were great, especially the Ace of Base cover.

2) Food poisoning!! Lots of fun to be had on saturday night when J and I spent a good while throwing up in a ditch after eating a veggie curry. Just as well we hadn't stayed in the arena eh... complained the next day and got our money back :)

3) The comedy - really enjoyed seeing some really good comedians, and would definitely recommend the comedy tent to everyone (though as one of the guys said "put your hand up if you're an emo... no wait, this is the comedy tent").

4) Beer - carlsberg/tuborg (half the bar staff didn't know which was which), could have been a better option surely?

5) Camping chairs are a truly amazing invention.

6) If you have hiccups and you can't get rid of them after an hour and they're really starting to piss you off, go into the toilets at the campsite, guaranteed cure!

7) Tents are fun, but only people who know how to put them up should be allowed to use them. A self supporting dome tent doesn't need its ropes out, they're just annoying to people trying to get by without tripping over .

8) If your mum is coming to pick you up at 11am on monday morning, don't tell anyone as you will be laughed at.

9) Please don't call your boyfriend at 5am outside my tent and then start crying because he accuses you of sleeping with some little emo dickhead in the next tent - you're making a tit of yourself and inducing homicidal rage in others.

10) Sunday night in the campsites is meant to be dreadful, but I slept through all of it (except the people singing round robins in french, the girl on the phone to her boyfriend, and the absolute twat in the tent next to us, who really came very close to getting a tent peg through his eye socket), then again I could sleep through anything. However, walking through some of the other campsites there was quite a lot of black smoke (tents) and the toilets had been set on fire. TWATS.

11) While I'm on a roll with the complaining, all the indie girls pissed me off. They all looked the same, with fake scruffy hair, short shorts, colourful wellies and hoodies from their private school leavers parties. I bet they all watched Babyshambles and fantasised about the look on their mum's faces if they brought Pete Doherty home.

12) Oh yeah and the guy who tried to nick J's camping chair is a prick.

13) Finally for the whining: wellies. Why?? They're not comfortable, they make your feet really quite vile and sweaty, and they have rubbish grip if you're trying to walk anywhere. It's not the Somme! It's a very slightly muddy field, with maybe 3 puddles between your tent and the arena. At no point does the mud come higher than your little toe, you really do only need trainers. I took wellies and wore them once, when I'd just woken up and was going to the loo, and didn't want to put my flipflops on to navigate the cesspit (campsite toilets... don't look down). However, I wasn't wearing clothes as such (I wasn't naked, that would be too much for anyone that early), and didn't even like have my hair like straightened or anything, like oh my god...

14) Definitely going next year, and not eating any food from the arena. Far better and cheaper to eat kimchi noodles, ainsley harriot cous cous, and pop tarts. Next year I'm taking more poptarts.

15) I'd rather be at Reading than at work and not looking forward to tomorrow :(

16) I have a crush on Serj Tankian, like I'm 15 again :) Good times!

Firstly, I forgot how good the Gypsy Kings are. Brilliant.

Tonight I tidied my room and I kind of see what J was talking about when he said there were too many wine bottles in my room. I've filled a recycling bag full of empty bottles. I also filled a bag with old newspapers, which at least makes me an intellectual, environmentally-friendly drunk. Now my room is just as messy as before but with bin bags everywhere.


Look, here's me with a Renault F1 car:

Mayoral elections

I can't sleep. Please don't let Boris get in.

Please please please, the man is joke.

Nostalgia

Can you miss people you've never met?
Can you be nostalgic for times you've never had?

I certainly think you can.

I don't like finishing books as it means it's the end.
I listen to songs on repeat so I never have to leave the pointless lyrics.

I'm sure this isn't where I was meant to be but I'm somehow here and you have to make the most of it.

Running through my head running through my head

The other day someone was telling me about how they'd called the police cos there was a dog on the motorway, and I thought that was quite a cool thing to call the police about. I said, "I've only ever called the police twice, once when I was broken into and once.... never mind". I forget sometimes that it was a whole different life ago that my ex smashed my door down and punched me in the face, and then punched me again when I called the police. Not really something for sharing in polite company. I'm not sure I would be understood properly. Though exactly what is there to understand? I just pretend none of it ever happened.

Actually I have just remembered another police incident, when I wound up in Bethnal Green police station with a random Swedish guy, shortly before we tried to break into his house. I have only hazy memories of this night as I'd been out at a friend brother's band's gig, but it involves a lost rucksack, inappropriateness, and me leaving him on a flat roof.

If I ransack my memory I can think of all sorts of trinkets and tales but most of the time I have absolutely no inclination as most of it makes me very sad. I'm the kind of girl who picks at a scab repeatedly but sometimes there are things I should just leave alone.

Orchestra

I really love orchestra.

T (to me) - I can never remember your name but you always look lovely.
R (to him) - Her name's Harriet and she looks like a scruff. Worse, a deliberate scruff.

I don't believe T though as earlier he'd told everyone he thought I looked like a noonday witch. The man is 71. Good stuff.

Less clutter, more productive?

I am trying to de-clutter my life (of physical objects at least). Today I made a start on the 2 crates I have of shoes. I'm not really a girly girl, I don't do shoes in the way that lots of other girls do. But it does amaze me that I have so many pairs of shoes when all I seem to wear are converse, completely destroyed cowboy boots or lambswool slippers. I have managed to jettison only 3 pairs of shoes, all plimsolls, bringing my plimsoll collection down to a measly three pairs.

Equally, I cannot get rid of clothes. I found a really old men's green velvet jacket, and the logical person would get rid of it, but you never know, it could become a wardrobe staple. Let's forget the fact that I have only worn it once, when I had really bad sunburn and could only wear sack like dresses and no underwear, and this was the only thing big enough to fit over that most attractive of ensembles.

Now I can't stop sneezing because of all the dust from the damn jacket. Next time you see me I'll be sartorially fantastic. Or a pile of dust. One or the other.

Nothing is ever lost or can be lost my science friend

Sometimes I think I know what is going on, I feel comfortably on top of things. Not in a knowing way, just in a "yes, this is how it is and I know how it is" kind of way. It's simple, it's straightforward, there's no drama. But then things happen that confuse me - or rather, then people happen who do things that confuse me, whether deliberately or not (this is irrelevant as the end result is the same) - and I wonder whether I really knew anything at all.

I guess it's not even that big a deal to me, even though it means I was wrong about everything. It's not my deal to be made big, it's not my decision to make. But still, if it was my decision then I would make it very differently.

I'm so overcome with something at the moment that I don't want to go out. Today I wore summer shoes and stepped in a puddle and got mud all over my feet. My french looking toes got smeared with slime.

It's my birthday at the weekend and I must say that I'm apathetic to say the least.

Shredded Wheat

Just to clarify, I am not in the new Shredded Wheat advert. Everyone keeps asking me, and I haven't even seen it. I am worried in case the person who apparently looks like me actually looks like the honey monster.

Dig!!!

Today I put on a dress and some heels and a necklace and prepared to be on my best behaviour as I was off to the scene of some past violence... but it was all cancelled, so my dress and heels were for nothing. It's okay because it's just postponed.

So I left work and walked through Soho, walking in the roads and never the pavements, and wound up in Covent Garden, where I decided to get my hair cut. And here it was amazing. My hairdresser spoke minimal english - he asked my name, I asked his name, he started cutting - and looked like everyone I knew at Full Tilt (back when I thought it was fun to go to goth electro nights and get off my face to the point I thought a man turned into a tortoise), the whole thing took 20 minutes - BUT MY GOD!!! MY HAIR!! The man is a genius! He's cut it so my cows lick actually works, made the ends not like straw, and shaved the back... and danced while he did it. I gave him a 50% tip and vowed to myself to get my hair cut every month...
... But then he smiled at me, and he had pierced teeth.

How do you pierce teeth??

So now I don't mind that my life is a shambles, that I sleep in a sleeping bag and have a crush on a one-legged pirate from a book. I'm at home, nothing ever happens but relentless low level drama and nuisance. But it's okay, I am drinking a beer and listening to Nick Cave.

Wise words

A wise person recently said:

"Every time he taps you on the shoulder, you punch him in the face. You are a bitch."

However, another wise person once said:

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes."

So there you go.

What I want to see at Reading

So, the Reading line-up has been announced (or at least, they have started to announce it, there's about a million more bands to be added). Here are the bands that I want to see:

Rage Against The Machine
Biffy Clyro (again! But why not?)
Vampire Weekend
MGMT
We Are Scientists
Metallica

That's about it. Last years line up was better I think. Then again, I think it is realistic that I will only see 6 bands over the weekend seeing how fond I am of sleeping. Yeah I know I'll be sleeping in a tent but seriously I can sleep anywhere and anytime except sunday nights when I have work the next day.

Anyway, I'm seeing Girls Aloud in May so that makes up for there not being much on the Reading line up that tickles my fancy. Go Cheryl!

Distractions

If I'm not waking up with you,
why bother waking up at all?

Banned in Syria

So apparently this blog is banned in Syria?!?
I wonder whether this will help:

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Hot damn I'm mature.

Things that have happened in the last week

In no particular order:

- I was told that I have to have another operation on my hip, this time open surgery, what fun!
- I later realised that this was to be performed by the doctor I have previously written about, the one who called me "lovely", "attractive" etc in my medical notes. OH DEAR!
- I have been getting increasingly excited about the start of the F1 season
- I have fallen in love with a blond labrador from Battersea dogs home
- I have felt sick a lot
- I have been asked by my mum if I am pregnant (no)
- I have become an unlikely hero for some members of my orchestra, which is quite flattering really
- Lots of violin practice and lots of youtube videos of Heifetz!
- I had a massive argument :(
- I ended up in bed with my housemate :)
- Possibly too much time spent in the Commercial...
- Trying to read more books and be more cultured, innit (failing)
- J has been very lovely even when we had a ninja fight in the kitchen and I was armed with a knife
- In the last 24 hours, I have slept 18 hours and I am still tired

I'm sure loads more has happened but I am tired and must sleep.

Behold

Inside Out

Earlier I was ruminating about how I'm so good at keeping things in, and how even thougth some things are eating me alive, I keep oh so quiet and you cou couldn't tempt stuff out of me for shit. In some kind of cosmic retribution, I have somehow damaged my rib cage which means I can't stand up properly without being in huge amounts of pain. What's inside is trying to get out but it's not happening.

I think it is an established fact that my body is falling apart. A few years ago, say 2003 (just to pick a particularly dreadful vintage), I was on the less sane side of sanity, but despite the odds, I was remarkably healthy (apart from throwing up all the time and the fact I used to faint up to 20 times a day). Nowadays I am not sure whether I am really that sane after all as surely normal girls don't cry in shops, and I am turning to dust beneath my very own eyes. Which I suppose is similar to how I am feeling inside. I am not sure why anyone is brought up to have dreams and ambitions because it just leads to disappointment. This wasn't exactly my childhood dream, if I ever really had one. My regrets far outweigh any positive thoughts I have about things I have done.

I am really lonely as everyone is either the other side of the world or even further away.

I am drinking for purely medicinal purposes. I'm still not talking about it though.

The boy's a godamn genius!!

Some of the funniest things I've heard in a while:

"If you buy me a double espresso I'll suck your cock"

"Didn't your ex boyfriend try to fuck you up the nose?"

Both these things were uttered by the same person within the space of about five minutes.

I would normally put this on my facebook to shame him but my mum is my facebook friend now, which makes things a little complicated.

Lots of interesting things have happened recently but I am a) far too lazy and b) far too important (don't you reckon Syma??) to write about them.

Hopalong and fuck off.

Since I had my hip operation over three months ago, my hip has hurt every single day. The outside of my leg feels bruised, though it clearly isn't. The inside feels like it is pulling apart and I have to watch when I walk that I don't make any sudden movements and feel that tearing pain. Lying down is painful. Sleeping, even for me who loves sleeping more than anything, is sometimes not all that easy, and I could probably sleep through hiroshima. I wish I had never had the operation, I can't tell if it's made things better or worse, though I suppose in the long term my arthritis would be a lot worse if I hadn't had it done. Right? Or have I just done nothing with my life and fucked up my leg.

I don't ever want to talk about this, please don't ask me about this. I want to cry, but crying over my crippled leg is probably too self-absorbed, even for me. Hell, some people don't have legs. Etc.

Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

If I'm a child, that means you're a paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.

Sometimes a pony gets depressed

This christmas has been all about the animals that aren't real. My stress excema has spread right up to my shoulders. I have developed an interest in self-destruction, and am also morbidly afraid of eating sheeps intestines again.

I am currently reading BBC news and trying to be interested in current affairs but actually I'm just wondering whether it's gin time and whether I should watch tv while drinking, cos I sure as hell can't listen to the Silver Jews alone in the spare room again.

This is all for now. I will write more when I cure my chronic laziness/go back to London/do something interesting/sort my head out.

Oh dear

I am truly vile. I spent the christmas party crying, being sick, ignoring people and being really really REALLY needy.
I hate myself and I never want to leave the house again.

I had a funny dream and you were wearing funny shoes

I am absolutely AWFUL at updating this, I'm so lazy. Also on the occasions I am at home and could potentially update this, my computer decides to spaz. I've got an anti-virus thingy (or anti-norton, as #1 calls it) now which is a bit better.

Things I have been up to lately... Coughing lots in what I would suspect to be tuberculosis if I didn't know for a fact it wasn't (I'm a hypochondriac. And?). Reading lots of books, including one that turned out to be a lesbian historical novel, which gave me a bit of a surprise half way through and would have made me blush (I was reading it on the train) if I was a bit more shocked about these sorts of things. Coughing some more. Going to gigs. Watching films. Buying patent leather shoes. Laughing at my own jokes. Talking about papier mache kittens. Eating breadsticks (though not really eating all that much really, which is nice).

The mansions held christmas early the other weekend and got the tree, some gaudy lights for the kitchen window, big dinner, crackers, pictionary, all that. It was all fun and no one got seriously injured (though J had to be told not to climb on a chair and ended the weekend wearing socks on his hands to stop him picking at the scabs where he'd hit his hand with the hammer). #2's boyfriend admitted he thought that a cobra was a type of large cat. Lots of pictures got taken, some of them absolutely awful.

Oh yeah, I forgot my actual big news - I got a merit in my Master's. I emailed one of my old LSE lecturers to tell him and he said he was glad my interest in China had flourished, and I suddenly remembered the presentation I'd done in his class on one of the late Ming emperors, which went something along the lines of this: "He was a fucking mentalist, he surrounded himself with eunuchs and really let things go. I think he had manic depression." So I think we can assume I have made progress academically. Nowadays I'd at least stick a footnote in there.

I start a new job in January and am looking forward to having more money. Thinking about summer holiday already.... is South America too extravagent? (and not to the Debian conference in Argentina) Also looking forward to leaving my current work as every time I have to speak to accounts payable, I feel like selling a part of my soul to the devil.

Christmas is getting closer and I have done a minute amount of christmas shopping. J says that he has got me a rat for christmas, and that it bites a lot and is named after me. Other than that, J is being lovely and even let me drive his car despite the fact that I somehow forgot that you have to put the clutch down when you brake. And I was all set for that spare McLaren seat until my brain lobotomised itself and I forgot how to drive. Spaz.

Worst Capital Connect

I wrote:

I take the 8.43 thameslink service from Herne Hill to King's Cross every weekday morning. However, I don't remember a day that this train actually arrived at 8.43. For example, today it came at 8.52, yesterday at 8.53, last week it was cancelled once and late the rest of the time... Information about when the train might be arriving isn't always announced, except when it is "passenger action", and then it is announced in such a proud way, as if we should be happy that it isn't FCC's fault that the train is late yet again.

The late running of the 8.43 impacts on the 8.53 and 8.59, making the journey to work hard to predict. In contrast, the Southeastern train to Blackfriars that arrives at Herne Hill at 8.57 is on time, or early, every day. Surely if Southeastern can run their trains on time (and it must be noted that their trains are also in a far better condition than the very shabby Thameslink trains) then FCC could at least attempt to as well? If it is simply not possible to get the 8.43 to arrive at Herne Hill on time, please stop advertising it as the 8.43 and wasting everyone's time.

Travelling by FCC every morning is one of my least favourite things of the day. Waiting in the cold, then being packed into an overcrowded train, with arguments breaking out as not everyone can fit on thanks to the erratic timetabling (why are there 3 trains between 8.43 and 8.59 anyway? Would it not make more sense to have them spaced out at 10 minute intervals throughout the rush hour period?), rattling about on the journey, then being held up at Blackfriars because of signalling, all for an extortionate amount of money, is disgraceful.

You have a policy of compensating people for severe delays to their journey but none for a systematic failure to deliver the service advertised. I begrudge giving your company a single penny as the service is so dreadful.

And here was the response:

Dear Miss Lamb

Thank you for contacting First Capital Connect regarding your journeys between Herne Hill and Kings Cross Thameslink. Please accept my apologies for the repeated delays that you have experienced whilst traveling with us.

First Capital Connect is working hard to provide a reliable and punctual service and I am sorry that the delays caused you to arrive late at your destination on several occasions.

I have investigated the running of the 0843 service between the dates on 12 and 22 October 2007. I can clearly see that services were delayed, if only by 4 minutes, on every weekday during this period.

On the 15 November 2007, there was a incident on the Thameslink line that resulted in a severe delay to the 0843 service. This delay was caused by track problems in the Keymer Junction area. Operations staff from First Capital Connect worked closely with Network Rail engineers to minimise disruption and to resolve the problems as quickly as possible. However, journeys were significantly disrupted and I apologise for the delay you suffered as a result.

Please be assured that we take all complaints of this nature very seriously and as such I have forwarded your comments to the relevant management for their attention and action.

With regard to the timetabling of the morning services, I have outlined below the reasoning behind this.

0843 - fast service to Bedford
0853 - service to St Albans, calling at all station
0759 - fast service to Bedford

Our train-planning department aim to provide as much flexibility as possible for our peak services but I do understand that with delays occurring on this basis, there are undoubtedly crowded conditions at the station. As such I have forwarded your comments to our Train Planning Manger for his consideration.

In view of your circumstances and as a gesture of goodwill for the delays that you have experienced, I would like to offer you £15.00 in the form of a Rail Travel Voucher. I will send these to the postal address that you have provided.

Thank you again for contacting First Capital Connect and if I can be of any further help please don't hesitate to contact me.




£15 - winner.

Pandatime

Oi vey, it's been such a long time since I've updated this, and quite a lot has happened. Last week I had a bit of weird episode. It had been a while, and I had seen it coming really. But it was awful. For a time I had suspected that my grip on reality was not as good as it could have been, and I knew I was definitely mixing up my dreams with real life. But on thursday I woke up really upset (for a long protracted reason I can't go into) and by 10am I was in tears as B had shouted at me and called me immature and pathetic (though this turned out to be a joke). Going to the graveyard at lunchtime probably didn't help my mood. In the evening we had a work night out - a pub quiz, only I had to be the quizmaster. I think it really took whatever I had left in me because after that there was only so much conversation I could do before I went to the loo, looked in the mirror and thought "my god, I hate you"... I said goodbye to people and cried all the way to the station, where I then cried all the way home on the train and then cried walking back to my house. When I got home it all seemed to cave in on me and I don't really remember exactly what happened (except of course, I do remember - it's just I don't like to, so I don't). But then I lay in bed feeling very very scared, and very sad, and very alone. Eventually I fell asleep listening to my mp3 player.

On Friday I tried to pretend I was okay but I felt so sick with nerves about what J would say. In the end, J was the most lovely in the world about it. I feel so safe and happy in his arms. In fact, I would say that I am only about 75% of a person without him (though I will try not to think like this, as it is another 3 days until I see him - and also I sound like a bit of psycho). It took me a while to get used to having J in my life and I didn't really know how to be, but now I feel like I can't function without him. I just wish I wasn't such a mess, and so could be more fun/interesting/whatever I'm meant to be. And then J wouldn't need to worry about me so much.

The weekend was good. On saturday J got his new car and we drove out to my parents and spent the day with them. My dad was predictably odd and did his normal thing of pretending not to know the names of his kids. My mum gave me a flat screen monitor for my computer, which is awesome! I didn't realise how dreadful my old one was until now. I wanted to throw the old one out of the window but apparently it wasn't a very sensible idea.

On sunday we went to a mathmetal gig, but there wasn't quite enough calculus for my liking. One of the old guyts at the blues jam asked loads of questions about silent movies and we didn't have the heart to tell him that they're slightly before our time... On the way home I started to feel really sick and I am a bit worried that my insides are falling out because there is something seriously wrong with my guts. Oh well.

As soon as my hip is fixed I am going to rejoin the gym as J tells me I have "winter warmth" and then said something that sounded like "wibble wobble" but I wasn't listening by this point. The gym would be a good idea methinks.

The baby panda in Vienna zoo is called Fu Long!! I am so excited about going to see him, it's going to be really amazing. And Vienna will be great too - my first holiday in over 2 years (and first ever with J). February is too far away, I want to go now! I must try and refrain from jumping into the panda enclosure (like has happened at Beijing zoo twice in a year) to give the pandas a hug...

Hot spoons

My dreams are getting weirder and weirder. I'm having bad thoughts and I wonder when it will stop and where it will end up. This week I have been so up and down. I just try to get through every day step by step, hoping for some calmness and just living for the end of the week and when I can finally feel warm inside and curl up next to J.

I wish I could put my finger on this mood but I am just hoping there will be an end to it.

Their names are never spoken

Life as a cripple is going alright. When I got to work today I was greeted with the shout of "morning, hop-along!" and then when the fire alarm went everyone wanted to leave me on the stairs, like that scene in The Office. Later on I tripped over one of my crutches and went flying. In the afternoon my crutches got stolen, and B build a barricade around me so I couldn't get out.

It's a bit tiring having everyone ask "what have you done to your leg then? what's wrong with you? you're a bit immobile, aren't you?" but I guess no one knows how insanely annoying it is until they are on crutches. I will NEVER ask anyone any questions about their health again. Particularly questions like, "So, I suppose you can't have sex then - you probably can't open your legs, can you?" Still, when #1 was on crutches, someone asked her if she was paralysed!! At least I haven't been asked if I'm a paraplegic.

I'm sensing a return of the depression and I don't like it at all. I'm having really dark, evil thoughts and it's a little bit scary. I wish I could shake this off, or at least find a reason for it (other than the obvious few, which I don't speak about). I want to sit in the dark and listen to music and bang my head repeatedly against a wall until I can't think any more and then see how things are.

Things need to change around here. I'm taking steps (like joining the orchestra) but I need to do more.

On the plus side, I will be seeing real life pandas in three and half months, at Vienna zoo!! I am very, very excited about it!

Old Lady Lamb

Yesterday I went to the hospital for a check up, and to get my stitches out. The stitches coming out was quite tickly really, and then I nearly fell off the bed I was lying on, as I forgot that it had been raised to about 3 foot high. It's quite a comedy of errors every time I go to the hospital, I tell you.

The results of my operation are as yet unclear. They showed me pictures of the inside of my hip (REALLY strange) and showed where I had the abnormal bone, and what it looks like now - ie gone. I have to start doing a lot of physiotherapy before it turns into scar tissue, or else I'll have to have another operation to take that out... Overall prognosis isn't 100% positive as they're not sure whether this will ease the pain. Also, they have discovered I have arthritis. My transition to old lady is nearly complete!! All I need now is a fleet of cats and a tartan blanket to cover my knees while I do a cat-themed jigsaw puzzle.

Anyway, I was in the plaster room chatting to one of the nurses, and my old consultant, Mr xxxx comes in. I saw him once, in March-ish time. Back then we had a conversation that went like this:

- So what do you do?
- I'm a student.
- What do you study?
- Chinese. Chinese anthropology. (sheepishly, as I always feel like a twat telling chinese people this)
- WOW!!!!!! I'm chinese!
- (had kind of guessed this from name/looks/accent)
- Do you go to SOAS?
- Yeah. Masters degree.
- Well guess what - you go to SOAS, and you probably have PSOAS tendonitis!!! What a coincidence!
- Ah yes.

Then he wrote a letter to my GP about how lovely I was.

Anyway, he tracked me down yesterday. And remembered everything about me - and asked what they had done to me, how I was, how my summer was, how exams had gone, what I was up to know, etc... really flirty... completely random. I pestered him for a bit with some questions about my hip and he was all like "if you have any questions, just ask me... when are you in next?"

But then I thought I should stop asking questions cos then he'd say "get on that bed" and would prod my leg like everyone seems to do and make me rotate my legs. I found out yesterday that while I was unconscious, the doctors were moving my legs about in the air. This would be slightly less embaressing were it not for the fact that the nurses had forgotten to give me paper underwear, and so that I was in fact naked. There were at least 6 people in the operating theatre, plus medical students, and they have now all seen my vagina. How nice.

I'm not really bothered about having arthritis. I'm more bothered about how I'm going to get my handwashing dry in time to go out later, given that it's zero degrees. I'm so vacuous. I'm also bothered about money - my parents have suggested moving back to theirs to try and save some money, as there's no way I can save a penny living in London and earning slightly less than a pittance. I am trying to decide whether it's a good idea. I can't live with my parents, we would all go crazy. But I can't afford to stay here, not without a dramatic rethink anyway.




Here is a picture of me in hospital. I still have a bruise on my hand from having a tube shoved down my vein.


And here are my customised crutches. I am the most stylish cripple you ever saw, yo.

Time to put the suncream away

It's funny how priorities change. A year ago I was panicking over how I would cope at uni again. Seven months ago I was wondering whether we would actually be able to pull off the play, and would the hastily constructed viewing platform collapse before or after someone forgot a crucial line? Five months ago I was living in the library and trying to cram as much Chinese grammar into my skull as humanly possible. A few weeks ago I just wanted to get the dissertation done. Now my main grievances are that I can't carry a cup of tea from one room to the other as I need both hands for my crutches, and exactly how am I going to fill my days? At the beginning of this week I was unhappy. B called me and I lay on the living room floor sobbing, and he didn't know what to say, as he was in the office, and I was lying crippled on a rug.

In what may be a fleeting moment, I feel okay. My leg hurts a lot. Yesterday I left the house for the first time and saw another person on crutches, so I waved at them. Things today seem less bleak than at the beginning of the week. Momentarily I don't care about trivial things that should never have bothered me in the first place - like overhearing a comment directed at you that you weren't meant to hear ("she's actually quite attractive", in a disbelieving voice). I want to read books and watch films and plan for what I'm going to do next, and write letters and email old friends.

Today the sun has come out and I'm sure that this sudden influx of light is not unconnected to my mood. If I'd written this twelve hours earlier I would have written something darker.

Chile

Today I watched "The Motorcycle Diaries" and cried when I saw Chile. It's really breath taking, but so far away. Neither Santiago or Chiloe were in the film, more's the pity. I'm sure I've seen films featuring Chile before but none since I met M, so none where it has been so relevant. I really want to go. It was a good film overall, with the scenery complemented by the ever beautiful Gael Garcia Bernal. A friend of mine once saw him outside a pub in Shoreditch and I was jealous for about a hundred years.

Bullshit (aka current affairs)

I haven't written in this for ages and ages. I guess I have been quite busy doing stuff. I handed in my dissertation a while ago and dyed my hair that morning. Accidentally dyed my ears too but I guess that's what happens. Writing this chronologically is going to be a nightmare as so much has happened. Lots of drinking, post-dissertation. Quite a lot of crying as everyone left London. We took M to Heathrow, which was nice as we got to spend time with her, but awful because Chile is just so very far away.

On friday I had my operation. I was meant to leave hospital the next day but I was quite ill so they made me stay in til sunday. My mum and J both came to stay for the weekend, and between them and my housemates, I was really well looked after. Now I am at home and everyone is gone/at work and I'm pretty miserable, to tell the truth. In some ways it's nice to have some time to myself - check my emails, read a book, go on facebook - but I feel so lonely and depressed. Last night I cried for ages because I thought about how mean I have been to J, how grouchy and grumpy, and how much I would miss him if he left me. I'm feeling really sorry for myself, and I need to snap out of it. My leg is very very sore though, and my painkillers make me throw up, so I'm not taking as many as I should. It was quite a serious operation (my consultant told me, just before he hit my bed with his bag) and I'm not allowed to do "too much" for a while. I have crutches but they are starting to make my hands a bit sore. They're also very plain and not me at all - so they will be decorated :)

I have loads more to write but I'm not really in the mood. I'm off work for 2 more weeks though so I'm sure I will get round to it. First I will try and shake myself out of my misery - then perhaps this will be less self-indulgent bullshit and more humourous self-mockery. Or whatever it is that I normally write. Bullshit most likely.

Countdown: T minus 3 days

Dissertation is due at the end of the week.
Dissertation is in no way ready.

My mind is gone a little bit. I can't string words together any more and I feel like crying quite a lot. Quite randomly too. Like walking up the road, having conversations with people. The other day I started thinking really depressive thoughts and got in a bit of a state about it, but five minutes later I was fine. Up and down. Work is stressful. I wish SS was back, I spoke to him today and realised that I miss him a lot (even if he's mean to me when he's there!). I don't feel ready to hand in my dissertation or to finish this part of my life. I don't want everyone to leave London. Next week I start work five days a week, and then that will be my life. I think I would quite like to run away from my life. Thoughts like this are making me miserable.

I'm okay though.

The other things making me miserable is my hip. My operation is scheduled for the 28th September, although the hospital keep trying to move it forward. Sometimes I think the pain is all in my head, and that a 23 year old with no real history of accidents (affecting the hip anyway) shouldn't have hip pain. And on days when it doesn't really hurt, I wonder if I've made it all up. The last few days have been really painful though, and I know something is wrong. I don't know, I seem to court drama but when it happens then I'm unhappy.

In other, less miserable, news, I can type pretty fast now but it is lazy typing as I use autocorrect to put all the capitalisation in. And it is making my wrists quite sore (yeah haha no wanking).

I'm really looking forward to this weekend, and being rid of the dissertation. I have reached the point where I just don't care about it anymore, I just want it to be finished. We're all going out on friday, and J is coming to London, which I'm looking forward to immensely. Days really drag without him. Apparently we are "like cheese and pizza, like chalk and a chalkboard", which is a really nice description from someone I wasn't expecting.

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