hot chip on repeat

Firstly, CONGRATULATIONS to everyone who has just got their degrees! I'm way proud of you all, but particularly my little brother, who is not only the recipient of a 2:1 but has a place to do his Masters in September. It's nothing he doesn't completely deserve.

Secondly, I am slightly less manic than when I last updated this. I was quite drunk and I paid the price the following day, when I felt pretty fucking ropey to say the least. I think I articultated it as "badger face" but what I meant was that it hurt to move my head.

Thirdly, I must stop being so cryptic. The crisis I was eluding to was that S ran away, and no one knew where she was. Her friend, who I've never met, called me up and asked if I knew anything. Well of course I knew nothing, which is not entirely surprising as she doesn't tell me anything. Her facebook profile tells me she ran away to the seaside. I don't know what to think about it all - of course I am worried about her (despite having come back and being "fine"), but as there is very little I can do, I am not sure how productive worrying is going to be.

My mum came to visit yesterday and was going to show me pictures of my dead uncle in his open casket but just then our food arrived. Later on, I stayed up drinking tea with her and her friend, and we talked about teenage sex.

I wish it was next weekend already. I'm going back to Cambridge. This week has really dragged, and hasn't been helped much by getting really upset on Thursday night and deciding that my life was a mess (along the lines of, what the hell am I going to do about a career???). I want it to be next Friday now so I can see him.

On the plus side I don't have a hangover today, although I did have to sleep on the sofa as my mum slept in my bed. I am nice girl. And I am still not tired of listening to the same four songs on repeat. Get in.

birhday pictionary in the pub, army major styleeee

Okay firstly, I realised my profile picture looks a fucking state. I guess that was during my hat wearing phase when I didn't know what I was doing with my hair, like the vain idiot I am.

Secondly I'm quite drunk so I'm not typing so well. But that's FINE. I can't make my mind up whether I like double spaces or just single spaces after fullstops so what the fuck.

Thirdly, I don't know, it's been quite a stressful day today. At several points I decided to quit uni. I veered between being pretty happy and then feeling really destroyed, maybe because of the dissertation, and maybe because the crisis (that I eluded to yesterday) was on my mind (but is now averted) and the fact that, christ, you know me, I'm a worrier. I think my dissertation cuts a little too close to the fucking bone.

Anyway I've drunk a lot of beer and champagne and wine and my god I'm going to feel fucking excellent in the morning, especially as I have to get up early and iron #1's clothes.

I need to stop swearing so much. But you know what, fuck that.

Just another tuesday night in the Hill

What a weird fucking night. Or a weird day even. This morning I woke up and tried to get the ex-glastonbury people out of their beds and onto trains and to work, but they were still pissed. It was quite a challenge. I had to brush #1's hair and get her bag ready. Then just as I was getting in the shower the phone rang, and it was my mum, who said that my uncle died on Sunday. He had been very ill (stomach cancer), and there was nothing else they could do. Last time I knew he had a few months to live, but I guess it was sooner :( I'm not sad for him, as he's not in pain anymore, but I am sad for my cousins, and for my mum. She already lost her elder sister, and now one of her little brothers. It must really make you reflect on your own mortality. I'm not going to the funeral as it's in Ireland and the plane tickets are astronomical, but my mum will be there.

This evening we unpacked all the glasto stuff and washed stuff. The tent is on the line as we speak, and the balcony is awash with a nasty muddy cowpat type water. We recreated a bit of the old festival spirit by dancing on the balcony and singing along to Hot Chip and generally being a bit lairy. But we had cups of tea, and then ate sundried tomatoes, so probably less glastonbury and more Big Chill (described once as people sitting in a field reading the Guardian).

After dinner something else happened that makes me worry but I'm not going to say anything more about it at the moment, as it may be nothing (I sincerely hope it is nothing) but may be quite serious. So I'm worrying.

Later on, #1 and I were smoking a cigarette out of my bedroom window, when we heard some weeping. It sounded like it was coming from out the back of our block, on the road, but we couldn't see as there is a temporary hoarding in the way. There was definitely a voice saying "help me, please someone, help me" - but people were walking along the road and didn't stop. We got #5, and she agreed that it was definitely a voice, wimpering and sounding very upset. So we did what anyone else (I hope) would have done, and got the torch (to hand, thanks to glastonbury!) and went down the fire exit onto the street. There was a girl, about 20 years old, sitting on the small wall (in front of the hoarding), crying her eyes out. We sat down next to her and asked if she was okay, and could we help... I'm none the wiser as to why she was so upset, other than that she had been somewhere and a man had come at her but was now gone, and she had been frightened and thrown all her stuff in the road, and that God would protect her. #5 and I went up the road to collect all of her belongings, and tried to find out where she was going (she wouldn't tell but said God would provide) and to see if we could call someone for her. In the end, she had calmed down a lot and thanked us, and we hopefully saw her on her way.

It does make me think that the world is a strange place if a young girl can be crying in the road and no one will stop to help.

In other news, I am very happy. #1 has told me not to be so happy and to keep my feet on the ground. Not because I am unlikeable (as I'm not - I'm very likeable, I think) but because we all know what it's like to be hurt. But that can't stop the smile I have had almost constantly (internally or externally) for the last two days.

Tomorrow is #1's birthday and #5 and I are cooking dinner. Hopefully it will be a lovely birthday for her as she really deserves it.

My god can you sense me feeling the love for everything at the moment? Haha, this can't last before we see a return to the manic depressed me we all love so well. I hope not.

hi hi hi

I went to Cambridge this weekend and it was cool.

He's got the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.

I need to go to bed.

Hi.
I am way lazy when it comes to updating this nowadays. Will try harder.
Bye.

shake it like an english nanny in the states

I have got conjunctivitis. I am well pissed off, as all the things I had planned to do this weekend, I can't do. You know, like leave the house, or read books. I can only open one eye. I look like a right spaz. F was going to come and visit tomorrow but now I don't want him to because I look dreadful. Call me vain, but seriously, no one wants to see this. I look like I've been punched in the face.

Of course, the moral of the story is DON'T GO TO THE BARFLY. This is how I got conjunctivitis last time. But do I learn from mistakes? No.

Last night was wicked though, had a really good time at the skanky Ice Wharf and then at this random kebab-hummous-bar place with an Iranian Elvis, and then the Barfly, and then at A's house. I well want to move into A's house, it's proper middle class (fridge stocked with hummous and fizzy water, diabetic cat, original Pink Floyd paintings) and also A is such a cool girl.

I'm going to go and watch a film with my one good eye now.

adventures in peroxide

I was just about to start writing and then I realised that what I was going to write was so similar to SS's blog, which I literally just read. Pure coincidence, we're both being shafted by the NHS. I went to hospital today and they had postponed my appointment without telling me - they say they've sent me a letter, I say it doesn't count if I haven't received it - and I nearly cried because I was so annoyed. Not only did I miss half the day at work (ie. money) but I really want to know what's wrong with my hip. So, I am going to do something really immoral. I'm going private. Though obviously still with my consultant, because he's awesome and he said I was "attractive" and "interesting" (I'm quoting my medical records here! - I love my medical records, they describe a much more exciting life than the life I really lead, in my view).

On the way home I went to Traid where everything is currently £2!!!! Bargain central. I saw a really nice pair of jeans but I'm too fat at the moment. Still, there were some really awesome dresses. I am going to wear more dresses I think. I don't have a particular "style", I look like I got dressed in the dark. But I think it works on me cos I'm not exactly conventional looking.

Last night was the final of The Apprentice. We made proper party food, sandwiches with the crusts cut off, sausage rolls (homemade veggie ones of course), cheese and pineapple on sticks, and all that kind of stuff. I love The Apprentice. I was surprised that Simon won though, I really thought Kristina would win. Afterwards, SB (who is staying for the week) and I watched a documentary about Britney Spears. It was awesome. The only thing better would have been one about Girls Aloud.

Nothing very exciting has been happening. Work is dull, and there's a strange atmosphere this week. I'm having a nice time at home with #1 and SB and #5. I got asked out by a man on the street today. I was offered tickets to Chicago but it all fell through. My uncle has been given 4 months to live, which is a quite depressing. My step-uncle has died. But he was ill for a long time. I like to look on the bright side of things, which is ironic really for a diagnosed manic depressive. I'm going to a reunion tomorrow with people I went to music college with.

I'm really bad at calling / texting / emailing - so I am aware I need to do this. I'll get onto it. Bone idle, me.

it was a murder but not a crime...

I wasn't actually meant to be going out any night this last week but I went out every night. Oops. On Wednesday I went to Fleet, for a barbeque at F's house. It was lovely to be out of London, and good to hang out with my coursemates in a setting other than SOAS. Though the more I think about it, the more I will miss people - especially M, D, F and P. Boooooooo :(

On Thursday I drank lots of cocktails and I'm not writing about what happened next. Firky gave me some advice (randomly), which I will follow, though it wasn't exactly relevant either then or now. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

On Friday, our team went out after work for a meal, where I told SS (bear in mind that he is my manager) that he had a face like a bag of smashed crabs. It's terrible, I know, but I stole the phrase from DW (possibly the gayest man I know, who kissed me at xmas.... confusingly... clearly I am manly...) and I laughed so hard then and really wanted to use it. Obviously I don't think SS has a face like a bag of smashed crabs, it was revenge for being called "the supreme stinkbat, stinkbat above all other stinkbats". Anyway, good food, much wine, off to Trash Palace. I managed to spill more drink down my front (I already had miso soup down my front from lunchtime when me and MC had lunch together and discussed wanking and icecream, to the probable disgust of everyone else in the restaurant). The new guy at work came up to me and told me that he'd been getting very mixed signals from me, and was I a lesbian or not? Hilarity. I danced a lot to cheesy music, drank, and eyed up a cute girl who then left.

When I eventually I left, I fell asleep on the night bus and woke up in BROMLEY. Then I fell asleep at the bus stop waiting for the bus back into London. A guy came up to me and asked if we were anywhere near Elephant and Castle. I asked him if he'd fallen asleep too, and he said, panic stricken, "Oh my god, we're nowhere near Elephant, are we?" We assured each other that neither of us were weirdos, and took a cab together back to London. He was a very sweet, very gay, Irish nurse, and I was extremely grateful to him as he paid for the whole cab and dropped me off outside my flat.

Sometimes you gotta love London.

I have the flat to myself. I've been singing the Chicago and Bugsy Malone soundtracks extremely loudly, despite only having half a voice left. I'm moving onto the Silver Jews. I've painted my nails the exact colour of the plasters you have to use if you work in food preparation. I dropped some on the floor. SB is coming to stay this week and I am well excited. Last summer she came to stay and we spent most of the time trying to find each other when drunk, and eating a lot of hummus. Bring it on!

pure camp, pure excitement, pure capitalisation

I'm getting really into Ed Cox. The world needs more clowncore and less work, especially when said work is sales leads.

That wasn't what I was going to write at all - something awesome has happened/is about to happen... One of my very oldest friends who I haven't seen in what seems like a million year is going to come and stay this summer! Our families have known each other for generations, and we spent a lot of time in our childhoods together, either at my parents house or at his parents flat in Paris or the house in the Ardeche. There are photos of us sharing baths, which obviously I can't put up here cos it would look like kiddie porn. But that's how far back it goes. But seriously, how fucking exciting - I can't wait. I haven't seen him since we were 14 and used to steal his mum's cigarettes and walk round to the other side of the mountain to smoke them (except that's a lie cos I was too chicken to smoke, and would just accompany him). I am WELL EXCITED.

Yesterday me, #1 and #5 found a tent in the cupboard and pitched it in the kitchen. See:

We're going to go camping near the white horse thing (Oxfordshire I think). I am EXCITED.

Also, the disability office just TEXTED me. That's weird.

The Bridge

I went to Strawberry Fair yesterday with M and D. It was weird to go back to Cambridge after so long away. I kind of felt that I should know more, and instead I felt like a bit of an outsider in the city I spent so much time in. It was nice to see friends that I hadn't seen in such an absurdly long time, but it was also strange because so many people that I used to know weren't there. It doesn't feel like home anymore, while still being so familiar. I'm glad I left, but at the same time I feel like I left a part of me behind. Gone are the days when I could walk down the street in Cambridge and see people I knew at every corner, and I do miss that. It's an insular kind of place, and it would drive me mad to live there... and yet....

We spent a lot of the day with H, who I hadn't seen in about a year and a half. I've known him since we played the violin together at various music things, when we were about 13 or thereabouts, although we didn't keep in touch all that time, and only became friends again when I was 17 (Cambridge is small - you see the same people again and again). He's such a lovely guy, and it was so cool to hang out properly yesterday. We're going to set up a business selling armpit wigs, in honour of our friend W, who dyed his armpit hair on the train once. I do miss Cambridge. I need to make more of an effort to keep in touch with H, because a gap of 18 months is a little excessive, especially for someone so nice.

They had proper airport security at Cambridge station, with knife checks and sniffer dogs. It was quite strange, though good I guess - I imagine a lot of people got caught with drugs. Sniffer dogs always weird me out cos they look all friendly and then they ignore you (so long as you have nothing on you). However, as this guy I used to know found out, if you run over and start petting them, then they'll lick you and be all normal, and the police will haul you off and search you. Then find nothing and have to make an apology.

On Friday I didn't wear a dress. Or I did, but it wasn't really a dress, it was a skirt worn as a dress. I met C and we drank wine in the park before buying some gin to drink at the club, on the sly like. I had a really good time, talked to lots of people, had an argument with B (he said I was addicted to cutting myself, I said no, then I said yes, then we made up and had some shots), talked politics with O (he said I was actually quite clever, but I think we all know the subtext - I know more than he'd expect from a white girl, although by this point I was quite drunk so I have no idea what I said... how white is that), didn't dance... I like the people in drama society, and I'm jealous of everyone who'll be there next year. I wish I'd done my MA part-time so I could have more time at SOAS, and also so I wasn't so strapped for cash. Can't change it now I guess, though retrospectively it was a crazy idea to do it full-time while working this much.

I still feel very let down and pissed off about what I was told the other day, but I am not going to let it show. I'm also going to make more of an effort all round. Though not today, because today I feel really miserable, and I stayed in bed most of the day. I think it would probably do me good to talk to someone but I don't know who I should talk to, because everyone has their own problems, and only a limited time to deal with everything in. So I think I just won't, I'll just read more Sebastian Faulks and stay in my room a lot until something happens to change this status quo. Much as I dislike being an observer/passenger in my own life, I have come to dislike any actions I take, so for now, I'm taking a passive role.

I'd really like a hug, thanks.

Are you kidding, he looks 18 and he's wearing jazz shoes!

It's been ages since I updated this. I'd like to say that it's because I've been having a really awesome time doing all sorts of things, but in reality I've not. I've just been lazy.

Last night we went to GAY and I didn't pull, though RF licked my face and touched my breasts. Bless him, he has no idea about women (he paid me a high compliment when he said he thought of me almost like a man) and had to ask where the nipple would be. In some ways that's quite sweet but I do worry that it's not completely obvious.... Didn't we learn that stuff in biology? Though clearly what I remember from biology is very different from what men remember (for further proof see: oral sex). Anyway, good semi-clean fun and an amusing night out.

I went to the hospital and my consultant was away so I saw the registrar, but he said my scans are inconclusive (to him at least, but he's not a specialist) although it does seem I have some sort of growth on my bone. We had an argument about whether they should give me steroid injections in my bum, then I left.

I have various other things to write but a) I can't becuase I'm about to go out, and b) I can't because it would get me in trouble with people (because of who I want to write about, and what I would write). For once this doesn't mean I've been secretly shagging people I shouldn't, it just means that I can't write about how let down and disappointed I feel in full without getting myself in trouble.

Anyway. I need to stop ignoring my phone and emails. But first I need a bath/bottle of wine. I'm going to a party and I'm going to wear a dress.

Why staying in is the new going out:

Staying in means drinking lots of tea. This is a good thing. I have drunk so much tea that I think I might pop. This is probably not such a good thing.

Obviously the story is far more complicated than that but now is not the time.

Tomorrow I am going to take down all the post it notes all over my bedroom because they're just making me feel guilty. There's nothing worse than being reminded of vocab that you didn't use in your exam, trust me on this one.

Actually, there's plenty worse but again, now is not the time.

three blind mice....

Today I have a lot of plans. I'm going to make some food with actual vitamins in it, REAL VEGETABLES shock horror. I need to stave off the scurvy. Obviously I'll have to go to the shops to do this, and that will involve getting dressed, so I'll do it a bit later. All I've done so far is watch the Grand Prix.

Poor #1 is really unhappy at the moment so I'm going to find ways of cheering her up. I don't really know any ways though. If I hadn't already given her all my music, I would make her a CD, but that would be kind of pointless. I feel quite impotent because there's nothing that I can do to help, but I'll give it a go anyway, even if it is just by her laughing at me.

I had a couple of very strange msn conversations yesterday. It's such an ambiguous medium, which doesn't bode well when talking to people whose lives revolve around ambiguity. We should go back to the good old days of typewriters and messenger pigeons. Last week, when I was in the library still, me and M were talking about how different things must have been back then, and how noisy the computer room must have been. I don't expect to ever hear from him again, which is a bit weird. But you know when you just sense that someone won't get in touch again because your purpose with them has been completed and fulfilled... that's how it is, I reckon. If he does get in touch, then that's great, but I hold out about as much hope for that as I do for some of my more unreliable friends ever sorting themselves out and being there more than just when they feel like it.

I was glad in the end that I went out yesterday because it was really cool. Legend's friends are lovely, and it was cool to see him again. I fell asleep on the night bus though and woke up god knows where. I haven't done that in AGES. Tonight I'm going to an 80's party with SS, and I'm going to wear legwarmers, though I sincerely doubt he will...

Off to make some food....

I don't feel like going out but I don't feel like staying in.

Wash your own windows you fuckers

So. I've finished my exams. Which means I've kind of finished university (again) but this time it's more serious because I don't have the option of coming back and studying some more (excluding PhD, which I think I am far too young to think about). So now I have to think about THE FUTURE and MY LIFE and MY CAREER. All of which I don't want to think about. In fact, all I want to do is wander around in my pyjama's and cry, which is what I've mainly been doing today.

I feel completely despondent and depleted and lonely. I'm doing my whole "I'm fine" thing but really, I am pretty fucking depressed.

I'm also pissed off with a few people, but now is not the time or the place. I think I'm pissed off with life generally, and the way that a couple of people have been acting - things that have/haven't been said, things that have/haven't been done - are, if not upsetting or puzzling, then at least downright rude.

Fuckit I'm ill again and there's no escaping it.

More tea, more painkillers...

Everytime I try and write anything in this, something happens that means I can't. Today, I get on the computer - quickly quickly though eh - and just check BBC news, and OMG ZOMG WTF the Cutty Sark is on fire??? Man, that's part of my childhood :( Gutted doesn't even begin to explain it. Me and the ship.

On Saturday I went out for lunch/dinner with SS and his fiance and about 8 others. It was really cool, we went to a Brazilian restuarant in Angel. I ate so much I actually thought I might pop, I felt really uncomfortable!! But it was lots of fun, it's wicked to get on well with my boss, even though he has now started calling me a hellish toad (I quite like that, it's Harry Potter-esque, no? and therefore part of my namesake...). In fact, the only downside was when the waiter put a chicken on my plate!! On top of my salad!! I thought I might cry, and I couldn't really say anything apart from "meeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh" or something similar. After dinner we went to The Green, which I'd been to before, but despite the sign outside saying that it was "london's premier middle class gay bar", I hadn't actually noticed that it was a gay bar.

Last night I stayed at the library til 4am and the incrimination (so to speak) continued, which was a very welcome revision break! Especially as during the course of the day I had managed to convince myself that I had tetanus (#1 says you can't get it from a rusty safety pin, but I thought that's how you got it?? And my finger hurts where it (ahem) "pricked" me, far more than you'd expect it to), and then convinced myself that my textbook was actually speaking to me, what with it's talk of bad students, alcoholism and domestic violence. Seriously, this textbook ain't for kids.

Today is my last exam and I have realised that it's hard to do revision/exams when you live far away and you still have to fit everything in and you're pretty much by yourself. For every one of my undergrad exams I had my ex to help me with stuff. Except when we were fighting, which was most of the time. But he did do sweet things, like he knew I'd be hungry so he packed some of the dhal (it was the 2-week dahl) in tin foil so it would stay hot and biked over to give it to me. That may of course have been the day I threw a chair at him, but whatever.

However, I am going to miss SOAS so much. I will miss this routine I have now - go to school, study in the library, chain smoke, maybe go to Tesco, smoke some more, drink ill-advised beer, take pro plus, study manically, and then chain smoke some more. Plus of course, last night's addition of handjobs in the 4th floor toilets.

Tonight I am going to get WASTED. Come join.

Life is best summed up in a Silver Jews song

I don't really have time to write much anymore, what with revision and generally living la vida library, but let me just say that I am very happy, and if I were to write more it would be very incriminating. Even though nothing has happened, to speak of. Ummm this is quite elusive, but I don't think it helps that I can barely speak english anymore. Plus, there's no need to incriminate myself at this point. I know what's going on, I think.

In other news, it's the final countdown with my exams, and I can't stop thinking about the most ridiculous things. F said the other day that we should make an alternative yearbook with the funniest quotes of the year. Inclusions so far are the comment about "he's going to be Gary Glitter in 40 years" and possibly the most ill-advised thing I ever said about my anthropology lecturer's parents sex life (ie "it's like picking your nose with gloves on". WHY?!?!?). Suggestions on a postcard please.

Also, after exams I'm going to be more of a human being and I might give my housemate back her duvet. In the meantime, the library beckons....

It's a very small (Lib Dem) World

Forgot to say - I'm going to whinge less and sing more.
I reckon things will seem better after exams.
Hopefully my body will hurt less and I'll be able to sleep properly.
"fuck chineseness", as the article goes.

In other words, I always really hated those people who whinged all the time, so I'm going to shut the fuck up.
Anyway, my hair is too cool for me to be miserable, and I'm starting to get a bit of a crush on this guy. That makes me sound like a 14 year old American girl.

Small world, seriously.

umbrella ella ella eh eh eh

When I fail my exams I am going to blame all the shitty music I've been listening to. You know how sometimes you hear a song and a YEAR later, you're still listening to it. Well, cast your mind back a year to this party I went to just after I was really ill, when I couldn't drink or eat cheese or any of the things I love so much... It was a party at some girl's house, I knew her through my then-boyfriend, who unbeknownst to me was planning not to be my boyfriend anymore but would be too scared to look me in the eye. The party was full of people I didn't really know and I talked to the Greeks, about when I'd come to their house and watched Eurovision and pissed off their Greek relatives by cheering Cyprus. Anyway, we were all sitting under a tree and eating strawberries and generally being very civilised, when it was decided that we should toast the marshmallows on the barbeque. I gave the job to N, my then-boyfriends then-housemate, and he put the marshmallow on top of a sausage. I tried to eat it, but I had to spit it out in a hedge, what with it being kinda meat-infused. Cue mockery. N tried it and he didn't make it to the hedge and nearly spat it on people's shoes. He threw an apple at me, I threw one back, he threw one harder - I have a scar on my face. it was all fun and games.

Later on, N's girlfriend played me this song (Nelly Furtado: Maneater) and I dunno, but it's not really losing any of its appeal. Which may be why I was singing it on the nightbus last night.

"I'm more of a gobbler"

It's been such a stressful weekend, what with the argument (which is all fine now) and us being potentially evicted. We made the mother of all spreadsheets and wrote the most awesome letter, so hopefully now we won't be homeless. I'm just so stressed - I want to cry whenever I look at my Chinese books because this stupid fucking grammar is too much for me. I need to try and think about a "career". Being served an eviction notice hasn't helped, and being in a perpetual state of having not enough money to sort things out is starting to get to me. Nothing changes but nothing stays the same.

I had a dream the other day that they had to chop my leg off, and now I'm scared to go and see my consultant.

The other day I admitted to this guy I know that I used to have a big crush on my sociology teacher, and it turns out that she's his teacher. I'm such a loser.

The facebook stalking has reached dizzy new heights, though it's not just me it seems...

I can't write coherent sentences anymore.

On the plus side, J is going to give me and #1 £50 if we strip off and snog for the Daily Sport. I'm all for it.